


Nobody Lost, Nobody Found

by marchmain



Category: K-pop, ZE:A
Genre: Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Drama, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-05 07:46:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 54,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3111821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marchmain/pseuds/marchmain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kevin joins the powerful and mysterious institution known as the Bureau, he comes to depend on a small group of friends. But as he goes further into this dangerous world, they prove to be both his redemption and his downfall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kevin lay awake in bed thinking about home, when home was an age away - a place that existed in another universe, a place that made no sense in his current position. He was pressed against a wall with a window, in a bunk bed he shared with three other people and he could hear the soft thump of music coming from somewhere outside. It was either outside or somewhere else in the building, he couldn't tell. They were on the third level and you could usually hear a lot from where they lived, the speakers and the people on the street.

It was a song that was familiar to him; he had a memory of it from when he was very little, younger than five probably, and they were in the old house. His mother and his father were there, and some other people he presumed, and they were dancing to the song (his mother and father together) and he was running around, weaving in and out of people's legs. It was a happy memory from a time when they were all together, but it was a memory from another world. Indeed it had been a long time since his family had looked like that.

It was mournful now, that song, even though the electric piano tones were light and cheerful, it brought back too many thoughts and his tired head wasn't able to hold them all.

The song stopped and all that Kevin could hear was his own breathing, and the soft noises of the others in the room, but even they were unusually quiet. Only when people are lying in bed, pretending to be asleep, do they perfect absolute silence. In a room packed with so many people silence was rare.

When they first started at the Academy Kevin would sometimes hear crying at night. Since there were six of them in the room, it was hard to pin point exactly where it was coming from, but Kevin had guessed a few possibilities as to who it might be. Back when you first start there is a lot of pressure to appear grateful all the time; the Academy is such a prestigious institution and only a few are chosen to attend, so it would seem ungrateful to ever complain. Only at night time you can privately cry about the things that are bothering you, the people you miss and the family you left behind. Kevin was like this too, since he had come from another country to join the Academy, and he felt the worse for it. But when he heard someone else cry on the first night, he felt a strange sense of belonging, as if he was amongst people of his own kind. He never got around to figuring out exactly who it was, but this didn't matter because in time they became a group of friends that could talk easily and they didn't need to hide their sorrows, at least not amongst each other. 

Most of them had come a long way to be in the Academy (himself especially) and so they did not have families they could rely on. In short, they only had each other, and they had become a kind of family of their own. Being in the Academy was really tough, and if it hadn't been for his companions in this room, Kevin didn't know how he would have survived. Nowhere else would only the sound of someone crying at night stir up a strong sense of camaraderie and compassion in his heart. This was a thought that often amused him.

But now the sound of crying was absent, as were all other sounds, until the sound of music stirred up again and this time Kevin was certain it was coming from the street outside. Since he wasn't sleeping - and probably wouldn't get to sleep just lying there - he was taken by the sudden inspiration of climbing out of bed and investigating where the sound was coming from. It was a slightly dangerous mission, since it involved climbing over the bodies of people who may or may not be sleeping (and if they are sleeping and you wake them up they won't be pleased.) All the same, Kevin put his socks on and made his best effort to creep across the room in silence. 

As it so happened, Kevin was correct in his assumption that other people in the room were also awake, and so his departure was not left unnoticed. At least two people saw him leave.

Outside, he didn't get very far. There was nowhere to go really, since he wasn't dressed, and students were not supposed to be up after curfew. He made it as far as the level three balcony. There he leaned over to see if he could catch the sound of the song, but by this point he could no longer hear anything. Below on the street, a man rode a bicycle and a pair of drunk friends were walking together arm in arm, laughing occasionally. It must have been about 3am. There was no trace of any song, or speaker. Perhaps he would have been better off hearing it if he had stayed in bed.

Before long, he realised that he was not alone on the balcony. Kevin gasped when a pair of arms wrapped around his waist, and a head rested on the back of his own. He knew that it was Hyungsik, so he murmured apologetically:

"I woke you up, didn't I?"

Hyungsik tossed his head side to side. "No, I wasn't sleeping. You know I get like this around examinations... my whole head gets confused and I can't rest it. I know you weren't sleeping either, because I usually wait and listen for your breathing."

"I got up because I heard a song, and I wanted to know where it was coming from. It sounded like an electric piano."

"A piano? That's odd."

He spoke too loudly, so Kevin turned to silence him with a finger on his lips. It was late and the last thing they needed to was to get in trouble. For some reason he didn't care about getting in trouble himself, but he didn't want Hyungsik to get in trouble.

"You better go back to bed," he told Hyungsik, who responded by holding onto him tighter. "I mean, we should go back to bed. We need rest for the exams."

"Exams, exams," Hyungsik mumbled as he pressed his face into the back of Kevin's neck. "That's the reason I can't sleep."

"Don't worry too much," Kevin said, only because it was the sort of thing he had to say. He was worried too.

"If I don't get in the Bureau, I'm done for."

Kevin shook his head. Hyungsik came from a big political family, and it was expected that one son from each family in the clan would work at the Bureau. Even if he failed the exams, it was likely that his family name would earn him a place anyway. Of course Hyungsik didn't see it like this, his heart was too innocent, and he only believed in working hard for it himself.

But Kevin had no such back up. He knew that if he didn't get into the Bureau he would have no place to go, since he didn't have a family and he was alone in this country.

"I had this memory," he told Hyungsik, "because of the song I heard. It reminded me of a party my mother and father had a long time ago."

"Back in Australia?"

"No, longer ago. Back when we lived here."

"Will you tell me about it?"

"No, there isn't anything more to it. I'm worried about the exams too... let's go back to bed."

He wanted to tell Hyungsik about his parents, say that he missed them and he was lonely, but it wasn't right to burden Hyungsik with this sort of information. Kevin was the eldest and he felt that he should be the one to comfort others, not the other way round.

Reluctantly, Hyungsik pulled away from the embrace and they walked back to the dormitory in silence. When they were outside the door, Hyungsik whispered:

"You'll stay with me, won't you? I'll fall asleep if you do."

Kevin agreed. It wasn't the first time he'd done that. Hyungsik slept on the bunk below him, so it didn't matter that much, although he was probably too big and the bed was probably too small. They crawled into it together, and Hyungsik fell asleep not long after. It was warm and stuffy, and with the feeling of another body breathing against his, Kevin fell asleep too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is a novel-length fic, I thought it might be fair to share a few details here. Kevin will be the main character, and he has point-of-view for the whole story. Siwan, Kwanghee, and to some extent, Hyungsik, are also main characters. The story takes place in a fictional city, set in an alternate universe.
> 
> The story features a number of m/m pairings. I have chosen not to list them, because I thought that might be misleading (but you can guess that they contain the main characters).


	2. Chapter 2

The following evening the group was preparing dinner in the dormitory, something they did every Sunday night, but on this occasion there was more stress and tension than usual. They were a close knit group of friends, but even friends can get tested at times.

Kevin went to work in the kitchen, since this was usually his responsibility, what with being the oldest, and having the best cooking skills.

He was cutting onions when Kwanghee came over to join him. Kwanghee was typically a miniature whirlwind of destruction that caused havoc wherever he went, but as the second oldest he would sometimes attempt to be a little sensible and responsible. Kevin had the heart to appreciate his effort. 

On this particular day Kwanghee was not being especially helpful; he washed a few vegetables and then piled them up next to Kevin, and did little else. He was somewhat subdued in his manner, and this was different from his usual bubbly and hyperactive self. Kevin had seen Kwanghee in this way on a number of occasions, and usually it was welcomed, but Kevin knew that it meant that he was too tired to keep up the usual facade, and something was troubling him.

He was going to say something about it, but Kwanghee spoke first.

"What were you doing up last night?"

"What are you talking about?" It took a moment for the question to sink in, because in the heat of confusion, he had forgotten about getting up in the night. So Kwanghee had been awake too, and had seen him leave.

"You got up and walked out for a bit."

"It wasn't for anything. I just couldn't sleep."

Kwanghee went quiet as he watched Kevin cutting. It was as if he was contemplating something deep and it made Kevin feel nervous.

"I saw what you did when you came back. You shouldn't still sleep with him, you know. He's too old for that now."

The knife slipped and Kevin cut his finger. He gasped. Kwanghee immediately rushed to his side and held the bleeding hand.

"Ah, Kevin, I'm sorry!"

At this moment, Siwan appeared in the kitchen, as if drawn by the scent of trouble. "Aish, Kwanghee, don't be annoying," he said as he helped Kevin look for a bandage. "I'll finish here, just stay out of trouble."

Kwanghee was obedient to Siwan's instructions, but not content to stay out of the action, he helped Kevin with his bandage as they returned to the common room.

"Kevin, I'm sorry," he repeated, but there was laughter in his voice.

"It's alright, it's not a bad cut. It's not your fault anyway." For some reason, the look of guilt on Kwanghee's face gave Kevin a sense of satisfaction. Still, his finger hurt, and with a small dread he remembered what had caused his attention to slip.

Kwanghee went back to help Siwan in the kitchen and Kevin joined Hyungsik and the others setting the table. They pushed some furniture aside to make room.

As they sat down together, Hyungsik noticed Kevin's bandaged hand.

"What did you do to your hand?" he asked, but Kevin never got to answer since Kwanghee came and pushed Hyungsik away and took his place next to Kevin. He held onto Kevin's hand.

"Is it better now? Does it hurt?"

It did hurt a bit, but Kevin didn't mention it. "It's fine, why are you acting like you care so much?"

"I don't know, to be honest I don't care about you at all." Kwanghee laughed and then pinched Kevin's cheek to show he didn't mean it.

"I'm not mad at you, but you're acting strange."

"I'm kinda nervous I guess, aren't you too? Exams, exams..."

"You'll be fine, you'll just mooch off Siwan like you always do."

Kwanghee squeezed Kevin's hand so that it hurt. He held back a gasp.

"I'm joking, I mean I'm nervous too. We're all nervous."

"Yeah, but it's not like you have anything to worry about Kevin. You'll do fine. I would bet that the most likely one to fail the exam would be Heecheol." He said the name loud enough so that Heecheol, who had been sitting peacefully, suddenly frowned and glared at Kwanghee.

"More like you're the most likely to fail!" He frantically searched around for something that he could throw at Kwanghee, who had started laughing and laughed harder at Heecheol's building anger.

Dongjun put a hand on Heecheol's back. "Calm down guys, let's eat."

Siwan joined them and now the six of them were kneeling together at the table. Kwanghee loaded a spoon full of rice and pressed it to Kevin's mouth. Kevin pulled his head away. "I can eat on my own."

"No, you can't. You're injured."

He pushed the spoon into Kevin's mouth, causing him to choke slightly and everyone laughed. Embarrassed as he was, Kevin decided to allow Kwanghee to spoon feed him. At least everyone was in a better mood now.

After their dinner and subsequent squabbles, Kevin had almost forgotten how worried he was. The feeling came back to him later, like a shadow of dread. If he were to fail the exams, or if any of them failed, it would mean separation and these friends, who had cheered him up so many times without even realising it, were something very precious.

Just as he was trying to fall asleep, he recalled the conversation he had with Kwanghee earlier, and realised that he should probably speak to Kwanghee before he went to sleep, lest the disagreement would hang on his mind and interfere with the exams. He carefully climbed down onto the ground, and then crawled on his knees next to Kwanghee, whose bed was on the floor. Kwanghee was awake, sitting up slightly, and staring at the wall. He glared at Kevin, who had moved in next to him.

"I thought I told you it was bad practice," he said, "sleeping with someone else. You'll have to do that when you're married, so why would you even want to do it now?"

"I don't care about bad practice. You don't mind, anyway, do you?"

"I do. I hate you, and I can't stand you at all."

"What happened to being guilty about hurting me?"

"Huh? You cut yourself, it had nothing to do with me."

Kevin closed his eyes contentedly. At least Kwanghee was back to normal again. Kwanghee sighed loudly and laid himself down next to Kevin. He closed his eyes too.

"Good luck with the exams tomorrow," he said softly, and Kevin smiled to himself in the dark.


	3. Chapter 3

Once the exam period had come to an end, there was a tense calmness amongst the group, and the anticipation as they waited for the results became almost unbearable. There was nothing to be done now; they could do nothing but wait.

A week or so after the exams, the results were posted on the wall of the Academy's main hall. They typically came in the form of an assignment to the Bureau: there were three levels that a student could be assigned to, and after assignment a student would undertake another period of training for that specific level.

On that morning the students all crowded around the results in an anxious swarm, shamelessly pushing each other aside as they did so.

Kevin stood back and waited, since he wasn't one for getting pushed around too much. Heecheol, on the other hand, had no problem with jumping into the violent mass. He came out of it looking red in the face.

"I made it to Level 2," he said, breathless. He held Hyungsik by the shoulder. "I saw your name on there too, Hyungsikkie."

"Really? I don't believe it..."

When the crowd had died down Hyungsik and Kevin took a look at the level 2 list. Sure enough, _Park Hyungsik_ was on the list. Kevin search for his own name but couldn't find it.

"Ah... I'm not there," he said. He was trying to sound optimistic, but his voice wobbled a little bit.

Siwan came to his side and pulled him away by the arm, since he had been standing for too long and he was blocking the other students. "Kevin, what's the matter?"

"I wasn't on the list."

"That's because you were looking at the list for Level 2. You were picked for Level 1."

"Level 1? how?"

He checked the list for Level 1. He ran a finger down all the Kims until he saw his own name. _Kim Jiyeop_.

Taking a step back, he joined Siwan and Kwanghee. "That's crazy, I never thought I would get into Level 1."

"I never thought you would either," Kwanghee said. Kevin was slow to realise that he was being insulted, and by the time he did, Kwanghee was already laughing and asking for forgiveness. "I'm sorry Kevin! I guess I'll have to put up with you for a bit longer then..."

"You're in level 1 too?"

"You, me and Siwan."

"Ah, of course."

Siwan was the brightest of the group, so everyone had expected him to get into Level 1. Despite his joking exterior, Kwanghee was also quite brilliant, so it was also unsurprising that he was in Level 1. But Kevin, there was really nothing special about him.

"It's probably because you're a foreigner," Kwanghee told him later. "You can speak English well, and that's important."

Kevin wanted to feel happy about being put in Level 1 - it was the highest level, after all - yet he couldn't help regret being separated from Hyungsik and the others.

***

Over the next few days they were made to pack up their belongings from the Academy dormitory.

Siwan, who was considered to be the wisest one in the group, said as they were packing up: "It's best if we all try to remain as friends, regardless of being in different offices."

"I agree!" Heecheol said, and then they all replied with similar affirmations.

Kevin was privately glad that Siwan had brought it up, since he couldn't bear the thought of the group breaking up. He didn't have a family, so they were all he had - but he never said this out loud.

In the group of six, they were all friends, but each person had his own best friend: Heecheol stuck to Dongjun and Kwanghee stuck to Siwan. Kevin had Hyungsik. 

Kevin sometimes mused about each pair. Heecheol and Dongjun were close because they were similar, both manly types with a fondness for playing games and chasing girls. Kwanghee and Siwan were close because they were so different, Kwanghee was loud and flamboyant, Siwan calm and quiet. Sometimes Siwan would rather read a book than talk to anyone, but Kwanghee would poke and cuddle him until he won back his attention. They fought all the time, it was a miracle that they were friends at all.

Kevin thought about Hyungsik and smiled. They were close because they were complementary. He liked to cook and Hyungsik liked to eat. They took good care of each other, and he thought miserably about their impending separation.

***

Dongjun left first. He had been chosen as a recruit for Special Unit, a specialised government division and he would go to the training camp which was five miles out of Baksan. Dongjun was the youngest, and Kevin felt bad about sending him off alone, but Dongjun was brave and he would be able to take care of himself.

Heecheol and Hyungsik caught the train together the following morning. Kevin was relieved to discover that they would not be going so far away. Still, he had the urge to ask Heecheol to take care of Hyungsik, but he fought it back. Really, it should go without saying.

Siwan, Kwanghee and Kevin took the evening train. It was crowded at that time and they were hunched up over their bags. Siwan was immersed in reading something, despite being pushed in an uncomfortable position. Kwanghee seemed tempted to distract him, leaning his head on Siwan's shoulder a few times, but eventually he gave up and took to being pensive, sitting quietly with his hands folded over the bag in front of him.

Kevin was quiet too, since he was thinking hard about the future that lay before them. _At least we're still together_ , he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Kevin woke up with a chill. He rubbed his eyes grumpily, since he didn't like waking up cold, he didn't like waking up early and sometimes he felt like he didn't like waking up at all.

Kevin's new room, which he now shared with only three people, was on the 24th floor and so he never heard the sounds from the street. They were in whole different building and there were different spirits in the walls, and an entirely different feel to the old place. He didn't like it as much, but he never said this to anyone, since it wasn't right to complain too much when you are in a lucky position.

He was lucky to have been assigned to Level 1. This was what he told himself, and what everyone else told him. Whenever he felt tired, or lonely, or sad, he had to remember that he was lucky. Lucky to be in this country, lucky to be in the Bureau, lucky to be in Level 1.

Every day he got up around six and ate breakfast in the dining room of the new housing complex. It was just another dormitory really, but cleaner and bigger than the old one. It was shared by the male trainees of Level 1 as well as the junior, unmarried employees. He didn't really know anyone in his room, they only came in to sleep and he had only spoken to each of them once or twice.

During breakfast in the main hall, the home officer would read the news. Kevin was usually too tired to pay attention, and he was more interested in checking his letters, to see if he had any message from Hyungsik, or maybe even Dongjun (but that was unlikely since Dongjun had been sent far away.)

Kevin was forlorn about not receiving any letters that morning, but to be fair, he had not sent many himself. There was not much time to write letters and besides, he had little to say. He wanted to tell Hyungsik how much he hated everything - the lectures, the rooms, the employees, but then he had to remember that he was lucky.

Breakfast always consisted of a small bowl of rice and some variation of the blandest stew Kevin had ever tasted. He missed cooking his own food, but he was still grateful to eat because he needed the energy to survive his lectures.

As he went to line up for food, he was pushed out the way by two guys that he recognised. They were employees, and employees had a way of looking down on trainees like Kevin. Kevin didn't mind if they pushed in front, as long as they didn't try to talk with him.

"Hey kid," one said, and Kevin inwardly sighed. He didn't reply, and the guy called again, angrier this time, "Hey kid, I'm talking to you!"

Kevin knew that his name was Seo Kangjae. He was a skinny and weedy guy, only a year or so older than Kevin. Someone so small wouldn't normally be able to terrorise someone like Kevin, but being an employee gave him this privilege.

"Yes?"

"What day is it today?"

"It's Tuesday, sir."

The two guys smiled at each other. His companion said: "Where are you from, kid?"

"I was born here, sir."

They laughed. "He's from the fatherland! Why do you speak with an accent?"

"Seo Kangjae-yah!" The shrill cry startled them, and they looked towards its source. Kwanghee had come to stand behind Kevin.

"Hey you little punk, how many times have I told you not to call my name informally?"

Kwanghee held back a laugh, and it sounded like a snort. "Sorry _sunbaenim_ , I keep forgetting."

"You know he does it on purpose," Kangjae's companion told him.

"Aish, you little!"

He stepped forward to grab onto Kwanghee's collar, but he let go immediately as the home officer came past. They reluctantly took their breakfast and left.

Kevin and Kwanghee quickly went back to their table where Siwan was sitting alone.

"Thanks for that," Kevin said.

"Thanks for what?"

"Thanks for... distracting them."

Kwanghee laughed. "No need to thank me, I just like being annoying."

Siwan looked up briefly. "Seo Kangjae again?"

"Yeah, that loser."

Kwanghee ate his food noisily and happily. "Look at it this way Kevin, when you're an employee you can bully the trainees too!"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Why does anyone? They were all like us once. Getting pushed around, treated like animals, so when they became employees they wanted some pay back. Except by that time the people who had bullied them had moved on, so they focused their hatred onto the younger kids. Then the great cycle continues."

"Is that what you plan to do?"

"Me personally, no." He laughed. "I won't be a loser like Seo Kangjae. I'll make sure to get promoted the hell out of this place."

"And then you'll be able to bully the employees beneath you," Siwan chimed in.

They were smiling, but it was too early in the day for Kevin to pick up on their sarcasm. "Are you guys being serious?"

"No, Kevin," Siwan said. "We're not bullies. There's no point in it, in my opinion. If you were really secure in your position, you wouldn't feel the need to put down other employees."

After breakfast Kevin, Siwan and Kwanghee walked to the lectures together. Kevin walked slightly behind, while the other two were busy chatting and bickering. Kevin wasn't listening to them closely and yet he enjoyed hearing them banter. _I am lucky_ , he thought. _Because I still have these two._

***

Most of the day was spent in lectures in which Kevin was on his own. The lectures were highly demanding and required a strong focus, which for the most part he managed. However, he often got the impression that as soon as he left a lecture all the information would just fall out of his head again. He was required to study law, economics and languages, the last of those being the most frustrating. As he was learning Chinese, he was also required to take lectures on economics in Chinese and the combination of the confusing topics almost made his head explode.

He didn't get to see Siwan and Kwanghee again until the evening when they would meet up to study in the library. The evening time was the only time that was their own, but they had to devote almost all of it to catching up on assignments and lectures.

Siwan was a diligent student. He could pour over a book for hours without looking up. Kwanghee was still determined to test him, occasionally throwing him paper notes, or drawing on his book. After a whole day of lectures, Kevin had no idea how Kwanghee still had the energy to be annoying.

_Maybe they don't find it as tiring as I do_ , he thought humbly, and returned to revising his own law notes.

By 11pm Siwan had finally fallen asleep, his head resting on his open law book. Siwan had an excellent talent for sleeping in unusual and difficult positions. If he slept at the table for half an hour, he could wake up completely alert and continue studying for the next hour. Kevin was impressed, although as he watched Siwan sleeping so still and so quietly he wondered if Siwan was just pretending.

"Do you think he's really sleeping?" he asked Kwanghee.

Kwanghee searched his pockets for a pen. "I'll draw on his face to check." He found a black pen underneath the pages of a library book and proceeded to hold it to Siwan's face. "If he was awake he wouldn't let me do this."

He drew some rings on Siwan's temple.

"He'll be so mad when he wakes up."

"Yeah, that's the point," Kwanghee replied. He then added in a lighter voice: "But he knows I only do it because I love him."

Kevin laughed and pondered it some more as Kwanghee moved position so that he could draw on Siwan's other temple.

"Why do you never draw on my face?"

Kwanghee looked up at him in surprise. "Huh? It's not something you're supposed to want, Kevin."

Kevin laughed awkwardly. "That came out wrong. I dunno... I really miss the others. Hyungsik and Dongjun, even Heecheol."

"Yeah, I miss Heecheol too. He was really my favourite person to annoy. He always got so angry..." He laughed, loud enough to disturb other people in the library, so Kevin motioned for him to be quiet. Kwanghee shook his head. "You see Kevin, that's why I don't draw on your face. You are too calm and well tempered. If I tried to annoy you, you just smile and enjoy it."

Kevin was about to counter that, but Kwanghee had already started packing up his things. "I better not be here when Siwan wakes up. When I'm gone, wake him up and leave as well." He quickly packed his books and put the pen back on the table. Kevin watched him go.

With Kwanghee gone the library suddenly felt very empty. In fact, most of the other students had gone home too. The ceiling was so high and lofty, it brought a chill to his neck. And there was Siwan, sleeping so quietly, as if he was dead.

Kevin gently tugged on his arm. Siwan woke up, looking content as a cat, and went straight back to pouring over the law book. Kevin tugged him again, just to make sure he wasn't sleep studying.

"Kevin, what is it?" he asked, with perfect clarity.

"It's almost 11:30. And you might want to check what's on your face."

Siwan drew a sharp breath. "That bastard! I should have known he'd do this." He didn't stay mad for long. "Okay Kevin, let's go back. It's been a long enough day."

They packed up quickly and took the main street back to the dormitory. It was a fairly short journey, about 10 to 15 minutes. At one point they walked past Municipal Gardens and Kevin looked up at the moon through the branches of the pine trees. He thought bitterly about how it was always dark when they came back this way, and he missed the sun. What would he give to have a weekend playing soccer in the parks! If only weekends weren't taken up entirely by studying.

At the dormitory he said good bye to Siwan (who looked something like a robot with the funny drawings on his temples) and made the trip back to level 24.

It was almost midnight, and he would need to shower before he went to bed. He usually preferred to shower late, since by that time there was no one else in the bathrooms. He found showering with the other level 24 occupants to be awkward at best.

He had almost finished washing up when he noticed that he was not alone. Three other trainees - people he recognised, but didn't know the names of - had come in and they were talking softly amongst themselves. When they saw Kevin they became quiet. Kevin continued putting his clothes back on, and when he looked up he saw that they were still watching him. They were completely shameless, not bothering to hide their staring in the slightest. Kevin imagined that if he were Kwanghee, he would yell at them, or embarrass them by calling them perverts. If he were Siwan, he would probably laugh about it and act as if they weren't there.

But unfortunately, he was Kevin, so he only looked down in embarrassment, finished dressing and walked out with his head bowed.


	5. Chapter 5

Kevin woke the next morning after having a pleasant dream. He imagined someone else lying beside him, breathing in time with him, their body heat bringing warmth to his cold bed. When he woke up fully, the reality that it was only a dream left him feeling cold and grumpy, but somehow the sweetness of the dream seemed to stay with him as he walked down to breakfast.

As he walked, he imagined what his future might be like, after he was married. He didn't know who he would marry - no one did, not at this time - and yet he felt like he already had a clear picture of what she would be like: small and pale, fitting neatly beside him like a pebble in the sand. He never had any other thoughts about what his future wife might be like, such as what she might say or what kind of personality she might have; his imagination only took him as far as the person lying next to him in bed.

He never really worried about who the Bureau might chose for him to marry. Whoever it was, he knew he would come to like them. It was comforting really, to think that he didn't need to go out and find a wife for himself, since he was shy and didn't meet new people easily.

As he stood in line for breakfast, he listened to the chatter the people standing in front of him. They were talking about some news story from the head office, but when they saw him, they became quiet, just like the boys in the bathroom the previous night.

One of them began to talk again, but was hushed by his friend.

"It's the foreign kid," he whispered.

Kevin took his breakfast and went to look for Siwan and Kwanghee. The good feeling was now completely gone.

"What's the matter?" Siwan asked as he sat down.

"Everyone here acts like I'm some kind of spy."

"Because you're foreign? Don't bother with them, they're stupid."

"Hey, they used to call me foreign too!" Kwanghee said, cheerfully, as if it was something to be proud of. "Because I'm so exotic and handsome, I suppose."

"But then they found out that you are just from a small town..."

"And now they call me country bumpkin." He laughed while eating. "I've been called a lot worse."

"I'm not a foreigner anyway," Kevin said, "I was born here."

"Well, why don't you tell them that?"

Kevin shrugged. "I don't know... I might have to explain why my family had to leave."

They finished eating and began walking to the lectures.

"Look at it this way," Siwan began - he had been taking time to think of something wise to say - "if you were accepted here into the Bureau, then they must know you're good for it. The Bureau does rigorous background checks on everyone that enters. You earned your place here as good as anyone else."

"Thanks. I'll remember that."

Kevin didn't want to discuss it anymore. Deep down, he still had the troubling feeling that they were right, those other trainees who mistrusted him - he was a foreigner, he didn't belong here and he should never have returned to the country in the first place. But he had only come to do his best for the fatherland.

***

That evening in the library, Kevin's concentration was worse than usual. He longed to be back in bed, lying beside that imaginary person from his dream. He thought that he could still remember the feeling of their warm body pressed against his.

Kwanghee tapped his forehead with a pen, and he stopped daydreaming.

"What did your father do?"

"Huh?"

"I said, what did your father do? I can't remember."

"He was in the army, why are you asking?"

"Just wondering. He was a general or something, right?"

"General, yeah." 

"He was in the war, right? He had medals."

"Yeah. Why are you asking?"

Kwanghee bit on his pen, and flicked a few pages of his notes. "Just wondering."

Kevin knew that he was asking for a reason. "In case you were wondering, he wasn't a traitor. He didn't even want to leave, he did it only for my mother and me."

Kwanghee chuckled. "It's alright, Kevin, I know. Just cheer up a bit, okay?"

Later that night, they walked back to the dormitory together.

"Do you want to go to the showers with me?" Kevin asked. As soon as he said it, he realised it sounded a little silly, and he hoped that Kwanghee wouldn't take it the wrong way.

Kwanghee's reply was neutral. "Sure, why not." He then added, with a laugh, "do you want me to wash you?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. Just come along."

Kevin's gut feeling turned out to be right. When they arrived at the level 24 showers, that same group of trainees from last night were there. They became quiet when they saw him, and watched him suspiciously as he started to undress.

Kwanghee looked them over. "What are you perverts staring at?" he said, loud enough to startle and embarrass them. They cleared off quickly and Kevin smiled to himself.

"Hey, Kevin," Kwanghee said, coming up close to him after they had left. "I think they must like you..."

***

That night Kevin had a similar dream. This time, however, he was lying in between two people, comfortably but with barely enough space to move. The bodies lying either side of him were not still, they were prodding and stroking him, and giggling softly with their faces pressed into his neck. Over time their touching became heavier, and the feeling of heat increased. At some point Kevin came to realise that he was not dreaming about anonymous, random people, no future wife, but rather it was Kwanghee and Siwan that he was stuck between, Kwanghee on the right, Siwan on the left. They were talking softly as they touched him, their voices and laughter sweet and familiar.

Kevin woke up just before 6, his heart pounding. His sheet was wet and the heat he had dreamed about was gone, replaced by a sharp chill. He got up feeling miserable and ashamed, and he took extra time to clean himself.

That morning he chose to skip having breakfast with Siwan and Kwanghee, since he was too mortified to see them after the sex dream. Fortunately, he checked for letters and found one for himself. He immediately recognised Hyungsik's handwriting. It was almost time for lectures, so he didn't have time to read it straight away, and he fancied that he might save it for later and read it secretly between classes.

He left the dining hall, but he was intercepted on the stairs. A pair of hands tore the letter away from him, before he could even register what had happened.

"What's this? A secret spy correspondence?"

It was Seo Kangjae and his friend. Kevin was too dumbfounded to say anything, so he just tried to grasp the letter back, but he was pushed aside. Kangjae began reading the letter:

"To _Kebin-hyung_... Kebbin? That sounds like such a foreign name."

The other laughed. "Not a spy letter then?"

"Probably not, but it's better to be safe than sorry." He tore the letter in half, then scrunched it into his pocket.

They walked off together, and Kevin watched them go - a swell of nausea filling his chest and stomach. He was running late for class. He straightened his collar and continued walking.

He walked past Municipal gardens on his way to the lecture. It was late autumn, and the trees were turning bare and grey in anticipation for winter. The garden had never looked so miserable.

Lectures felt worse than ever. He took down notes, but nothing really entered his head. He thought about how he might reply to Hyungsik. _"I'm sorry I didn't get to read your letter..."_ How would he explain it? He didn't want to tell Hyungsik about what actually happened. If he did then Hyungsik would probably worry or get upset. He wanted to stay positive, but another part of him just wanted to pour his soul out and proclaim his wretchedness. _"I hate the Bureau!"_ Ha, Kevin knew that he of all people could not afford to sound so treacherous.

After dinner Kevin realised that he had not seen Siwan or Kwanghee all day. He had purposely avoided them at breakfast, but now he was starting to miss them, since he had not spoken a word to anyone else that day. _Who knows,_ he wondered, _they may have started to worry about me._

He set off towards the library, and stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw them. They were sitting together on a bench near the entrance of the library. They appeared to be having an intimate conversation, since their heads were close together. Kevin started to approach them, then changed his mind. It didn't seem right to interrupt them when they were like this. Anyway, they probably didn't actually worry about him, why did it matter if they didn't see him for a day?

He decided to go back to his room for the night. He planned to revise his notes alone and draft a letter to Hyungsik. He sighed as he walked past the moonlit gardens. He had always looked admiringly on Siwan and Kwanghee's special friendship, and now all of a sudden it was making him jealous.

He somehow came to the decision that he would pretend Hyungsik's letter had been lost in the mail. "I didn't receive anything from you this week, did you write?" He wrote " _hyung_ misses you" but then crossed it out. "I have been spending all my time studying. I miss going to the parks, let's go again in summer. I hope you're eating well..."

He wrote some more empty fluff, then placed the paper in the drawer beside his bed. In the same drawer he searched for a faded photograph of his father. He held the photograph carefully with his fingers, and smiled sadly at the picture of his father as a young man, standing proudly in his uniform. He placed the photograph back into the drawer.

"It was a bad day," he thought. "I'll do better tomorrow."


	6. Chapter 6

The next few weeks passed slowly and painfully. Kevin dragged himself to lectures every day, but he was faring poorly in all his subjects. Failing subjects would mean demotion to a lower level, but Kevin found it difficult to fear such a thing. _Maybe I wasn't really cut out for Level 1 after all,_ he thought. 

The worst outcome was being dismissed from the Bureau altogether. This sometimes happened. A bright student would breakdown and fail all their courses, and they would be dismissed without any mercy. The Bureau did not look favourably on people who buckled under pressure.

Demotion to a lower level might be something Kevin could handle, but a dismissal would be the end of him. He struggled on.

"I think my parents were a little disappointed that I only made it to Level 2," Hyungsik wrote, when Kevin finally had the chance to read his letter. "I don't mind it though, and I'm working hard. I'm eating well, and I hope you are too. Take care _hyung_."

Kevin folded the short letter lovingly and placed it in the drawer along with the photograph of his father.

***

On a Friday night, at the end of the calendar year, Kevin was huddled on the balcony of a inner city hotel. It was one of those rare nights that he was not in the library studying. Thoughts about his looming Chinese exam floated in and out of his head, but he was continuously distracted by the flow of chatter and activity around him.

When he leaned over the balcony he could see the glow of the city lights, shining off the river like decorations put up especially in his honour. He was suddenly overwhelmed by how lovely it was - _so lovely not to be in the library._ He thought about the library, its suffocating quietness and high walls that went on forever, then returned to the present with an exhilarating rush. The freezing air was harsh, but so free and so wild! He took a deep breath. He'd end up back in the library tomorrow, but he didn't need to think about that for the time being.

"I'm a bit drunk," he told the others. He felt like smiling, it was a good night.

"You're hopeless, Kevin," Kwanghee said, and he laughed loudly. "You only had one drink. Siwan would drink the whole bar before he became even slightly nonsensical."

"I'd like to think that was one of my talents," Siwan said, "but unfortunately when I drink I feel I just become more serious and sensible. Only warmer on the inside."

Kevin rocked on his feet in a vain attempt to stay warm. It was cold, but he really didn't mind it. Nothing was better than being outside, accompanied by friends.

"I feel a wave of seriousness coming over me now," Siwan continued. "I might call it a night. I have a lot of revision to catch up on."

"You can't be serious!" Kwanghee was livid. "We get one night off and you have to study? Now I have to spend the rest of the night with Kevin..."

"You two have a good time," Siwan replied with an ironic smile, and then he vanished into the crowd.

"What was that about?" Kevin asked. "I'm not good company?" He wouldn't normally say something like this but drinking made him bold.

Kwanghee leaned over the balcony, his lips pursed in a serious expression, but then he laughed. "I just hate you, Kevin. You know that."

"I'll go home too, then." He started to move, feeling a little proud of himself for calling the bluff. Kwanghee grabbed him by the wrist.

"I don't like it here," he said, acting as if that conversation had not even happened. "There's too many Bureau kids. Let's go downtown somewhere. I feel like singing."

The balcony was too crowded and Kevin was inadvertently pushed back against the barrier as more people came through. He crashed against Kwanghee's arm. "I'm not good company though," he said, smiling despite himself. "You hate me."

"Ah, that's not true."

Kevin expected that Kwanghee was joking, but he had something of a weary look in his eyes. In an instant, the look vanished, and he pinched Kevin on the cheek and laughed.

"Let's go."

Kwanghee put an arm around his waist to guide him through the crowd, and Kevin went along with it like a rag doll. When they were back on the pavement, they walked side by side to the river.

"Are you worried about something?" Kevin asked him.

Kwanghee kept his head down. "Of course, I'm worried about everything. The future, everything... what's not to be worried about?"

"What do you mean?" Kevin couldn't walk straight. He kept bumping into Kwanghee's side. "Are you worried about the exams? I thought you were doing well."

Kwanghee chuckled, a little sadly. "Not just the exams, everything that comes after. I keep wondering if I was really meant to be here. To be honest, I hate the dormitory, I hate the library, I think I hate the Bureau..."

"I hate the dormitory and library too!" Kevin said. "But we're not in the Bureau yet... I think it will get better when we're promoted."

"I hope so... Siwan says we should get married as soon as possible. When you're married the Bureau gives you your own house, and people say it helps you get promoted faster."

"I know he's right. Let's get married as soon as possible."

"You get your own house," Kwanghee repeated somewhat dreamily, then his expression changed. "But you have to share it with someone else. And sleep next to them... what if I don't like them?"

"Why shouldn't you?" Kevin asked. He'd thought about marriage often, but he never thought that he might not like the person he married. He only ever thought about her as that small, warm body lying beside him at night.

"Well, for all I know the Bureau could arrange me to marry Seo Kangjae! I lose sleep over this Kevin!" He laughed suddenly, as if realising that his own fears were absurd. "They say the Bureau will chose the right person for you, but I would rather chose for myself. If only I could find someone willing to marry me - but I'm handsome and charming, aren't I?"

Kevin laughed, slapping Kwanghee's shoulder as he did so. Everybody knew that Kwanghee wasn't handsome, he was too coarse and comical looking, and he was a bit too loud to be considered charming. But Kevin couldn't help but admire his confidence, false as it may be.

They'd walked a long way and they were almost downtown. "I think I'll be happy when I'm married," Kevin said. He was still cheerful over the thrill of being outside. "Then I'll feel like everything is complete."

"You're always optimistic..."

There was a hint of affection in Kwanghee's voice and Kevin felt warmed from the inside. He felt the urge to pull Kwanghee into a hug, but thought better of it and they continued walking.

Downtown, Kwanghee suggested they go to a bar where there was music playing. They climbed onto a stone wall partition to get a better view of the band. It was just a sleepy guitarist sitting languidly on the stage, and a small girl singing with a microphone stand. They weren't very good, but the feeling of noise and confusion generated by the music and the people around them was oddly comforting. Kwanghee tapped his feet against the cement. He was in a better mood now.

The patrons of this place weren't like the other one - these appeared to be an odd collection of students and working class folk. Kevin wondered if they would seem out of place in their Bureau uniforms, but no one seemed to take any notice of them, everyone was so swept up in dancing and chatting.

Kevin felt as if everything around him was a blur. He looked at his watch and saw that it was almost midnight.

"In a few minutes it will be a new calendar year," he told Kwanghee.

Kwanghee nodded. "So what?"

"Everything will start new again."

"The date might change, but I think the new year will be just like the old year."

"Who knows."

Kwanghee was being cynical, but he was still smiling mischievously, and Kevin could tell that he was happier now.

They both looked at Kevin's watch. When the minute hand crossed twelve, Kwanghee whistled. "Happy new year," he said.

Kevin looked around at the crowded room of people and his heart felt so full. "You know," he said, "they say you're supposed to kiss someone on New Years, straight after midnight."

Kwanghee didn't reply, and Kevin suddenly felt a bit foolish for saying that. He wasn't usually that sentimental. He checked Kwanghee's expression, but it was hard to read. He was staring into space, and when he turned back to face Kevin, he was smiling contentedly.

"Alright, might as well."

He leaned in and kissed Kevin on the lips. Kevin was so surprised that he didn't move. It took a little while for his mind to catch up with his body, and by the time it did he was already kissing Kwanghee again, slowly but deeply.

 _I think this is what I wanted,_ his mind told him.

Kevin broke away for a few seconds, like a swimmer who rises to the surface to take a breath, only to dive under again and swim even deeper. He awkwardly tried to place his hand on the back of Kwanghee's head and Kwanghee responded by pressing his hands on Kevin's cheeks, making their embrace inescapable. The sounds of the people and music suddenly felt as if they were far away, and he had all but forgotten that they were in a public place, downtown and a long way from home.

They broke apart, but still kept their faces close.

"You're only kissing me because it's New Years right?"

Kwanghee still held Kevin's face in his palms, alternating between cradling and squishing. "No, I'm kissing you because it's fun." He pecked Kevin's lips. "Work and study is so boring." He pecked Kevin again, longer this time. "I haven't kissed anyone in a long time and I missed it."

Kevin realised that he hadn't ever kissed anyone like this before, but he didn't feel like saying it. He just wanted to do it again.

"Kiss me again."

"We should probably go..."

Kevin looked around, and suddenly remembered they were in a crowd. He had been completely disorientated. Together they jumped off the partition and wove through the crowd, into a corner that was dark. Kwanghee pressed him up against a wall and joined their faces together again. Kevin fumbled with his hands, feeling his way down Kwanghee's thin body to rest his hand on the small of his back. It occurred to him that they had probably crossed a point of no return, and no matter how close to normal they appeared to be, he knew that their friendship would not be the same, since now he had thought about his friend in this way there was no way to unthink it. And now that he had experienced this pleasure there was no way he could forget it.

That night they walked home in silence. The silence wasn't awkward because there wasn't any need for words, they were each quietly content in their own way. Half way there, Kevin clumsily brushed his hand against Kwanghee's and Kwanghee took that as an invitation to hold onto it. They walked the rest of the way with their fingers linked, innocently like children.

At the dormitory they said good night, and Kevin returned to his room to sleep deeply and peacefully. When he woke up the next day everything would be changed.


	7. Chapter 7

Kevin woke up the next day with a headache and he skipped breakfast. Before long he was back in the library, revising for his Chinese exam, pulling at fists of hair as he wrote out translations to Chinese texts.

He had been sitting alone, and a flutter of paper took him by surprise. He looked around to see that a sheet had been dropped over his head. On it was a single, basic Chinese phrase:

_Your head is very big._

Kevin wrote out the translation and tossed it aside. Another sheet was thrown down in the same place.

_Your nose is also big._

Kevin translated it, scratching his head. Kwanghee and Siwan had now come to sit with him.

"Is that the best you can do?"

"People have told me that my Chinese is very good," Kwanghee replied.

Kevin passed the messages to Siwan, who laughed while reading them. "Your Chinese is only good for telling people they are ugly. I don't think the Department of Foreign Affairs will hire you just for that."

"I can write more." He put his head down and took a minute to write up another message. Kevin went back to translating, his head still sore. He was feeling a little unlike himself.

Kwanghee passed him the new message. It took a second for Kevin to understand it.

_Your lips are sweet and soft._

A rush of blood suddenly warmed his face, and he turned the paper over. He didn't want to translate it, or give it to Siwan.

"I'll write one," he said shyly. He wrote, _What time does the train leave for Beijing?_ Then underneath, smaller, _Thank you. Yours are also._

He passed the paper over, and Kwanghee looked at it and sighed. He translated and read out loud, "What time does the train leave for Beijing? What a boring sentence, you've got no creativity."

Kevin smiled. He was glad he was being teased, it helped to take the pressure off. He didn't want to think too much about what had happened the night before, but somehow he knew that he had to. It would be hard to pretend that it never happened.

Siwan had completely lost interest in them and he was back to doing his own studying. They each returned to revising, Kevin continuing with his translations. He was working late into the afternoon when he began to feel sleepy. He put his head on his textbook and fell into a doze. When he woke up it was almost dinner time, and both Siwan and Kwanghee were gone. He clumsily packed up his books, but not without noticing that someone had scribbled some text in the margin of his workbook. It was three characters that he recognised immediately.

_I love you._

A rush of heat returned to his face as he finished packing the books. On the walk back to the hall, the winter air gave him a chill, but there was a small fire burning in his chest that kept him warm.

It was a peculiar feeling, he didn't feel like himself at all. He sat down with the others at dinner, but he didn't eat much. Siwan noticed it.

"Did you catch a cold?"

He chuckled. "Maybe. I don't know."

While he was eating, Kwanghee put a hand under the table and felt for Kevin's knee. The touch almost made Kevin jump up, but he took his own hand and put it over Kwanghee's, and then they stayed that way for the rest of dinner. His appetite did not come back, but he felt happy all the same.

They walked back to the library in the evening, and during the short time that they were alone in the stairwell, Kwanghee held his arm and said: "Do well in the Chinese exam, okay?"

"Sure, I'll try."

Before Kevin could open the door, Kwanghee kissed him quickly on the cheek. Kevin paused, then let go of the door.

"Are we dating now?" It felt like a dumb question, but he thought it necessary to ask.

"I don't know and I don't really care, as long as I can have unrestricted access to kissing you."

"It's that good, is it?" Kevin said, laughing.

"Don't pretend that you don't like it too."

They pressed their lips together again, briefly, then returned to the library. Kevin went back to studying with more energy. _Do well in the Chinese exam._ He had to - he suddenly couldn't bear the thought of being demoted or dismissed. He wanted to stay right here, in Level 1.

He realised later, as he was going to sleep, that he didn't need to feel lonely anymore. He didn't know what to think of his change of feelings, whether they were really romantic or sexual or anything like that, he only knew that he had found a new way of belonging - and of surviving - and he would hold onto it no matter what.

***

Kevin moved into the new year with a much brighter step. His lectures were suddenly more bearable and his grades seemed to be improving. The days did not seem so dreary when he always felt that he had something special to look forward to, and even if he didn't get to see Kwanghee, or didn't do anything with him, it was just the knowledge that he was there, and that Kevin was the owner of his affection.

It didn't take long for gossip to go around, since Kwanghee was anything but discrete and liked to kiss Kevin wherever, regardless of who was watching. The gossip didn't bother Kevin too much, since it wasn't that unusual for trainees to hook up out of boredom, and besides, the new gossip was a welcome replacement to the old gossip about Kevin being a foreign spy.

It shouldn't have been surprising that Siwan would learn about it quickly. He didn't say much about it though, probably out of prudishness, or perhaps thoughtfulness. He made a comment or two about how Kwanghee should show more discretion, then when he and Kevin were alone, he said:

"Kwanghee always liked you, you know. When you first arrived at the Academy he was excited about you because you were foreign."

For some reason this information made Kevin's heart flutter. "Did he tell you that?"

"No, I just presumed. From the way he acted. You were obvious too, by the way."

"Me?"

"It's the way you look at him, hanging off every word he says. I always figured that it was only a matter of time before you both realised your feelings."

Kevin was a little dumbfounded by this, since he was certain that he had never harboured any of these secret feelings. Perhaps he had, but hadn't realised it.

Siwan smiled wistfully, but Kevin was not able to tell whether he was pleased or disappointed that his predictions had come true. They did not speak about it anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

The new year passed quickly. Kevin managed to do well in all his subjects and even finished with a decent grade in Chinese. It looked as though he would be given a good position in the Bureau once the allocations were given the following October.

Prior to graduations the trainees were each given a few days of leave in time for the mid-autumn festival. Siwan announced that he would be returning to his hometown - the first time he had been back in almost three years.

"Are you looking forward to seeing your family again?" Kevin asked him.

Siwan smiled sarcastically. "I am returning to them as the good son who has made it into the Bureau. So I think it will be okay."

Kwanghee was also planning to return to his hometown, but only for one night. He invited Kevin to come with him.

"It will be a drag if I have to go on my own," he said, but Kevin suspected that he might have asked him to come because he knew that Kevin had no family or hometown of his own.

Geographically, Kevin had only a vague idea of where Kwanghee was from. He was told it was a small town somewhere west of the mountain range. Siwan's family lived in a coastal city further south.

He boarded the train with Kwanghee in the morning. It was crowded for the first two stops, and they sat side by side.

"Siwan doesn't like his family very much," Kwanghee said, chuckling a bit. "I bet he won't see them again for the next three years if he can help it."

"Really? What makes you say that?" To Kevin, the thought of someone not liking their own family was absurd.

"I don't know, he rarely ever writes and when he receives letters he receives them miserably. His sister is a famous pianist, did you know that? Actually, I think they are all famous. His mother is some sort of professor and his father owns a business."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"They're probably fine. But even though to us Siwan seems like a wonder boy, to them I think he has always fallen a bit under expectations. Getting into the Bureau was important for him, to prove himself."

"Do you like your family?"

Kwanghee laughed loudly. "Of course, I adore them."

Kevin was excited that he was going to meet them. He was full of curiosity about Kwanghee's background and life he had lived before they met.

The train ride was long. They slept lightly for some time, Kwanghee with his head on Kevin's shoulder. Kevin woke suddenly at one of the stations, to find that Kwanghee had taken his hand and entwined it with his own. He smiled at the sight of Kwanghee sleeping so innocently, and regretted having to wake him. He squeezed his sides gently.

"Hey, wake up. I don't know where we are anymore."

Kwanghee opened his eyes slowly and looked around, then out the window.

"Not far now," he said.

Kevin watched the scene outside the window. He had been expecting countryside now that they were out of the mountains, but it looked like they had entered some sort of industrial town. He could see factories left and right of the train tracks.

"Don't expect much of the town," Kwanghee said, as if he could tell what Kevin was thinking. "It's not what it used to be. A lot of people left after the steelworks closed down. People say it was vibrant back in the day."

"It's alright, I know it must have been a good town if you came out of it."

Kwanghee laughed and slapped Kevin's arm. Kevin laughed too; Kwanghee's shrill laughter always made him think of some kind of exotic bird.

When they arrived at the station, Kwanghee took him by the hand and pulled him through the crowd. "We'll visit my father," he told Kevin. "The old guy is one of the last people left here."

Kwanghee proceeded to take him to a large building that appeared to be a hostel. The building was dull and undecorated, and on the inside it smelt like a hospital, only stuffier.

On the third floor, Kwanghee stopped a woman who was walking past. She was uniformed, probably a nurse.

"I'm after my father, Hwang Jiho," Kwanghee told her. "Is he still here?"

She nodded. "Same room as before."

Kwanghee thanked her, and he continued towards the end of the corridor. Behind a half open door they found an old man sitting in an arm chair. He was wiry thin, with only a few hairs on his head and he was holding an oxygen mask in his hand.

"Hey dad, do you know who it is?" Kwanghee cried enthusiastically. They entered and it took a moment for Kevin to realise that there were other people in the room too. Some were sitting on mats, looking either old or worn, or both.

"Of course I know who it is." The old man paused to take a breath from his oxygen mask. "I could hear you from the hall. You always had a voice that could wake the dead."

Kwanghee laughed shamelessly, then turned to face the other people in the room. He bowed deeply to them. "Hello, I am Hwang Jiho's son."

The old folks on the mats stared back at him silently, looking cautious.

"I'd been telling everyone I had a son who worked for the Bureau," Hwang Jiho said. "They didn't believe me. Said they wouldn't believe it unless they saw it with their own eyes. He's here now, got the outfit and everything."

Another nurse came in to see them. She looked young and homely. Hwang Jiho hailed her over.

"Rana, you should meet my son. The one I told you about. He works for the Bureau."

The nurse looked at both Kwanghee and Kevin and smiled politely. "Which one is your son?"

"The ugly one," Hwang Jiho replied. He turned his head and seemed to notice Kevin for the first time. "I don't know the other one."

"He's Kim Jiyeop, my friend from the Bureau." Kwanghee went to stand at his side, and Kevin bowed, a little belatedly.

"Oh good," Hwang Jiho deadpanned. "I thought maybe I'd had another son I'd forgotten about." He then said to Kevin directly, "You're quiet. Don't let this idiot talk over you."

Kwanghee laughed. " _Aish_ , you crazy old man..."

The nurse had brought medication. "How is he going?" Kwanghee asked her.

The old man answered for her. "I can't breathe anymore, my lungs are no good." He sucked on the oxygen mask. "A life of hard work did me no good."

"Don't be grumpy, your son is here." Kwanghee knelt beside him and held his hand.

"I honestly never dreamed my son could be working for the Bureau," he said, and it wasn't clear who he was talking to now, the nurse, Kevin, the other old folks. "He's a great deal smarter than I ever was."

" _Aigoo_ , you're being sentimental," Kwanghee said. His voice had lost its usual harsh edge. Kevin thought he sounded touched.

***

That evening Kwanghee took Kevin to visit his cousin and her family. She had a husband who spoke very little, an elderly father in law and about half a dozen children. Their home was small and noisy.

After dinner Kwanghee gave lollies to the children. He was equally good at entertaining them and bossing them around. "Go help your mother," he told the older ones, and shooed them out of the room. He kept the baby on his knee, bouncing it enough to keep it happy.

The cousin came back a few minutes later, looking flushed. "I'm sorry about the house," she said to Kevin. "It's so run down. I'm a little embarrassed."

Kwanghee scolded her. "There's no need to be embarrassed in front of him, you know we're just as poor as you. The Bureau doesn't pay us a cent as trainees, so we have nothing. Do you think if I was rich I would let my father live in a dump like that?"

Kwanghee passed the baby over to Kevin, who received it carefully. Kevin was always awkward with children. He kissed its head gently, and breathed in that babyish smell of milk and spit. The baby wriggled uncomfortably in his hands.

"Don't talk like that, Kwanghee," the cousin continued. "It was no small thing, getting into the Bureau. You were talk of the town, at least Uncle Jiho wouldn't stop talking about it."

"I know, I know. I promise _noona_ , when I'm rich in a few years, I'll move you out of this place."

The baby started to cry. Feeling somewhat rejected, Kevin passed him back to his mother.

***

The cousin gave them a small room to sleep in, not much bigger than a cupboard, but Kevin didn't mind at all. He had fond memories of being cooped up in a tight space from their days at the Academy. It was even better being with the person he liked most.

Long after dark, they lay together on the single mat, Kwanghee with his head on Kevin's bare chest. Neither was asleep. Kevin was watching fondly as Kwanghee swirled his hands around his chest, eventually squeezing his right pectoral. He brought his mouth to the nipple, and Kevin could hear the baby crying from somewhere in the house.

"The baby's crying..."

"So what? I'll have you crying soon enough."

Kwanghee turned over, so that he was on his hands and knees, hovering over Kevin's body. His large eyes were blacker than usual.

"Are you serious?"

He leaned forward to kiss Kevin. "I am, are you?"

They had never actually had sex before, more due to lack of opportunity than lack of desire. Kevin's desire for Kwanghee was a constant dull ache, and yet, Kwanghee was not the sort of person he had imagined he would lose his virginity to. He was too course, too dark, too male. 

He looked into Kwanghee's eyes again, then down his chest, down to where their bodies connected and Kwanghee's sex felt heavy against his leg. He could feel a throbbing ache in his own sex.

"Yeah, I think so."

Kwanghee grunted in satisfaction then leaned forward to kiss him again. Kevin used his hands to finish undressing them both, but he was careful not to be too forceful. He knew that Kwanghee would prefer to have all the control, he always preferred to touch than be touched.

Completely naked, Kevin arched his back slightly as Kwanghee kissed down the centre of his chest, then down his stomach. He couldn't hear the baby anymore and he wondered if it had gone to sleep. He took a sharp breath as he felt Kwanghee's lips touch his arousal. Whatever happened, he knew he was in safe hands, as long as he was able to keep his mouth shut.

"I always associate you with home, for some reason," Kwanghee said later, as they lay squashed side by side, and heavy with sleep. "I don't know why. But I liked it when you cooked for us back in the old place."

"I'd cook for you again if I had a kitchen," Kevin replied. He leaned forward to press his lips to Kwanghee's forehead which was sticky with sweat.

Kwanghee spoke right into his skin. "I love you. I know I said it before, and I don't care if you get bored of hearing it. I love you so much!"

Kevin couldn't make the words come, so he only squeezed Kwanghee in reply. He stroked Kwanghee's back until he fell asleep, and despite his uncomfortable position he fell asleep soon after.


	9. Chapter 9

When subjects had finished, the trainees were given their assignments. A graduation ceremony was held for them in Municipal Gardens and they would begin working the week after.

Kevin received a letter informing him that he would be working in the Department of Communications as a translator. His main task would be translating English articles. He couldn't help but sigh when he thought about all the hours he had put into learning Chinese, when now he would only be working in English.

Kwanghee was assigned to the Department of Foreign Affairs and Siwan to the Department of Industry. Kwanghee's assignment required him to transfer to a different office in another city for the introductory period of six months.

"We'll miss you for six months," Siwan told him sincerely.

"I'll miss you too," he replied, then added: "but don't worry about me too much. I'll probably make new friends and forget all about you."

They walked to the graduation ceremony together. It was sunny for autumn; the sky was cloudless although the ground was wet with rain. Everyone was dressed in formal uniforms, and a sweet sort of excitement seemed to swell amongst the crowd.

The trainees were huddled together on the main lawn of the garden. They would need to form orderly lines when the chairman and the committee came to make their address, but for the time being they were milling about.

While walking to their position, they noticed their old friends from Level 2.

"I think that's Heecheol," Siwan said. "We should join him."

The trainees from Level 1 and Level 2 didn't usually mix, but there was no reason that they shouldn't. Kwanghee came up to Heecheol from behind and knocked the hat off his head.

"Hey, cut it out," Heecheol grumbled but when he turned and saw the others he smiled brightly. "Hey Hyungsik" - he pulled Hyungsik out of the crowd - "it's the _hyungs_."

Hyungsik came over to Kevin looking cheerful, and Kevin thought that he looked somehow older and more mature. They hugged enthusiastically.

"It's good to see you, _hyung_."

"I think Hyungsik and Heecheol have become more handsome since we last saw them," Kwanghee said. He pinched Heecheol's cheek and Heecheol slapped his hand away.

"Kwanghee- _hyung_ has become uglier..."

Kwanghee brandished his hand over Heecheol's head and it quickly descended into play fighting. Kevin watched them fondly before turning back to Hyungsik.

"I'm sorry I didn't write to you enough in the last few months," he said quietly.

"It doesn't matter. I don't think there was anything for us to talk about, all we ever did was study and sleep."

Kevin smiled. He was glad that everything felt natural with Hyungsik. There was actually a lot he hadn't told him, but he never felt like he could be too honest with Hyungsik, since he was younger and he didn't deserve to be burdened by Kevin's worries.

The ceremony was about to start and so they stood to attention. It was a dull, formal event in which the Chairman and a number of committee members gave an address to the new employees. Each speech was some variation on telling the young employees to work hard, make an impact, and above all love and serve the fatherland.

The chairman himself was a mysterious fellow, small with large glasses that gave him the appearance of a giant ant. He was always surrounded by a small group aides, all of which were remarkably tall, making the chairman seem even tinier. Yet when he spoke, with a careful and steady tone, he could command complete silence for miles around.

Kevin didn't pay much attention to their speeches; their words floated in and out of his head like the autumn breeze. He was busy watching each of the committee members, their odd looks and funny mannerisms. Most of them were quite old, only a couple were below the age of 40. They were all male, save for one female committee member that might have appeared male if you weren't looking closely enough.

When the official ceremony was over, the friends regrouped and they decided to go out together. Even Siwan, who didn't usually like going out, was eager for them to leave. "We have a lot to catch up on," he said. "It's only a pity that Dongjun isn't here too."

Kwanghee held Kevin by the arm. "I have to talk to Kevin about something, we'll catch up with you later."

Without explaining any further, Kwanghee took Kevin by the hand and they walked back into the gardens. They walked for a long way without saying anything, and Kevin wondered if Kwanghee was waiting until they found a spot where they wouldn't be interrupted.

They came to an opening where the leaves on the ginkgo trees were as bright as fire. They were finally alone.

Kwanghee avoided eye contact. He looked up at the trees and then down at the grass. Kevin thought he seemed stressed, so he reached out and squeezed his hand. He didn't say anything. Kwanghee would speak when he needed to.

"Six months without you is a long time," he said eventually. "I can't imagine how I'll manage."

"I'll miss you too," Kevin said, and smiled. "But I probably see you too much anyway, so maybe it's for the best. Anyway, like you said, you'll make new friends."

Kwanghee laughed and turned to face Kevin. "There's something else I have to tell you. You know I'm not happy with having an arranged marriage, so I did some inquiring. Apparently I'm allowed to put in an application to marry someone of my own choice, and the Bureau will still give us a house - as long it's someone with equal rank." 

Kevin nodded. "Is that it?"

"Well... the other person also has to consent to it."

Kevin was cautiously waiting for Kwanghee to say more. They stared at each other in silence for a moment, until at last Kwanghee said:

"So. Do I have your consent?"

"Oh..."

Kwanghee stared at Kevin intently, his eyes narrowed. "You're not answering. Why aren't you answering?"

"Kwanghee ah... it's a little sudden. I hadn't actually considered going up against the Bureau's decision. I mean, I love you..."

"Do you? Do you actually?" Kwanghee took a step back. "I feel _sick_ at the thought of having to wake up next to someone who isn't you. I can't imagine getting married to anyone else. I thought you felt the same way."

Kevin stared at his feet, unable to look up at Kwanghee's face. "I'm sorry. I just never thought about us getting married."

There was an aching silence that seemed to go for hours. At last Kwanghee spoke.

"It wasn't serious then. Not to you."

Kevin raised his head slowly. Kwanghee was staring hard at something faraway. His bottom lip was sticking out as it often did whenever he was grumpy or thinking about something important. Kevin had always thought that it was cute and he suddenly felt a sharp pang. He wanted to reach out and hold his face and kiss his lips, but he wouldn't be able to do that now. He might never be able to do it again.

"I'm sorry Kwanghee, it's not because of you. I don't want to stick my neck out by being different. I'm already different enough as it is, and I can't afford to get on the bad side of management."

Kwanghee turned his face away more, so that Kevin couldn't see it. He instinctively reached out to touch his shoulder, but he was brushed off with force.

"Don't touch me." Kwanghee started walking and called over his shoulder, "don't ever talk to me again!"

***

"Did you two fight?" Siwan asked. He was already in a state of drunken seriousness and he noticed Kwanghee's absence before anything else.

"Yeah, we did," Kevin replied and joined him at the table. Hyungsik and Heecheol weren't with him, but they were around somewhere.

"Did you break up with him?"

"I guess so..." Kevin felt a sudden heaviness in his gut. He hadn't thought about it like that - it couldn't be final. He would have to find some way to work it out with Kwanghee, so they could be friends again.

"It had to happen eventually," Siwan said. "I mean, you're going to have to get married some time. Well, unless you two got married to each other."

Kevin coughed. "That's what he asked me. He asked me to marry him."

Siwan's eyes widened. "Oh, and you said no?"

Kevin looked down and blushed. He felt that Siwan was judging him. Perhaps he should have told Kwanghee yes, after all they were lovers and they had slept together already. But then again, he saw the vision of his future wife in his mind and he just couldn't resolve it with Kwanghee. His love for Kwanghee was an immature, young love and he would learn to love someone else properly.

"I think you made the right decision," Siwan said. 

"Really?"

"Kwanghee was being rash. He's panicking about getting married, since he doesn't like the thought of his marriage being arranged. But he would be better off letting the Bureau choose. They would choose the right person, considering all the factors. He doesn't think that way though."

"He's really mad at me..."

"He'll be hurt, but he'll get over it. Who knows, he might get arranged to marry you anyway."

Kevin nodded dumbly and looked at his hands. Hyungsik and Heecheol came back, but only to say goodbye. Kevin didn't feel like staying out any longer so he walked with Siwan back to the dormitory.

"We better rest," Siwan told him. "We start work next week."

Kevin nodded, but he felt sick. "Kwanghee's leaving tomorrow morning. I might not make it up with him before then."

"You can always write to him. I'm sure that after a couple of days he won't be angry anymore. Give it time."


	10. Chapter 10

Kevin began his first job at the Bureau in a state of nervous misery. He was stuck in a room with no windows, along with many employees hunched over small desks transcribing and translating articles from foreign news sites. It was a menial task, but Kevin worked conscientiously, being careful not to make any errors. As a junior, making even a slight translation error could result in severe punishment.

There were a number of new employees starting at the same time, an even number of male and female workers, and they were all fairly young. This was an office that many started out in, but few stayed for the long term.

Kevin found his work dull, but it was enough to occupy his mind. In the evenings he returned to the dormitory where he would eat dinner with Siwan. Siwan told him a few stories about his work in the Department of Industry. He liked to chat about his bosses and whatever problem he was working on at the present time. Kevin couldn't help but think Siwan's work seemed more challenging and interesting than his own.

He thought about Kwanghee often. Every day he woke up with a tight feeling in his chest, since he not seen Kwanghee since their fight in the garden, and it had been almost a month since Kwanghee left for his assignment. After one week he decided to write a letter. He wrote about his new office with minimal detail, not wanting to say too much lest Kwanghee was still mad at him. He wrote, "I hope your work is good, and you are eating well." He wanted to finish with "I miss you" or "I love you" but he couldn't bring himself to write these things so he left the letter short.

Three weeks later he had not received a reply. At breakfast he checked his letters with a heavy heart and went to sit with Siwan, who had a number of letters he was flicking through.

"Well, you seem popular."

"Family stuff," Siwan mumbled and tossed the letters aside. It did however catch Kevin's attention that the letter Siwan was reading at present time had familiar handwriting. He couldn't help but feel a little bitter.

"Is that a letter from Kwanghee?"

Siwan looked up. "Yeah, did he send you one?"

"He hasn't sent me anything."

"You might as well read this one then." He passed Kevin the letter and Kevin read it cautiously. It was a dull letter, mainly Kwanghee describing his new workplace. He wrote descriptions of a few of his new work mates, giving excessive praises to some of them whom he thought were particularly clever or attractive. This was typical of Kwanghee, but Kevin couldn't help but feel the burn of jealously.

"I wonder why he didn't write to you."

"Still mad at me, I suppose."

"Ah, he's childish. Don't worry, he'll come round. Write to him again."

Kevin nodded and passed the letter back to Siwan. They parted ways and left for work.

* * *

It was now two months since Kwanghee had left and the coldest part of winter had set in. Kevin woke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He had the recurring dream of lying between his two friends, warmly squished as they talked and laughed softly. Sometimes they would just be like that, lying and chatting, other times they would be touching him and softly kissing his cheek and neck. If the dream started with them clothed it always ended with them naked, and Kevin always woke up feeling aroused.

The winter air soon made him cold again and he wriggled up against his sheets. He struggled to remember the warmth of his dream, tugging at his erection as he did so, and eventually he would end up thinking about the night he had spent with Kwanghee in that tiny room. The hard memory was always more real than the dream or the fantasy.

He missed Kwanghee like crazy, missed his loud voice and his annoying staccato laugh. He missed him physically too, missed the feeling of his hands and his lips. He sometimes thought about writing it all down in a letter and sending it to him, but then he decided against it. Kwanghee had not replied to any of his letters and it seemed their relationship was now damaged beyond repair, so perhaps it was too late for any of this. He imagined that Kwanghee's joke had probably come true, he had found new friends in the new city and he no longer had any thoughts about Kevin. 

In his desperation he sometimes thought about begging: _please come back, I miss you, I love you, I'll marry you, I can't stand being without you._ He could never really bring himself to do it. He imagined that Kwanghee would only read it with annoyance, so he didn't write, and instead only lay in bed and imagined what he might say when Kwanghee eventually returned to Baksan.

* * *

It had now been five months since Kwanghee had left and the snow had cleared. 

One morning at breakfast Kevin saw Siwan reading a long letter from Kwanghee. He put it away quickly when Kevin sat down.

"What was that about?" Kevin asked him.

Siwan had now amassed a large correspondence with Kwanghee, so Kevin sometimes asked about it. Siwan usually replied that the letters were uninteresting and that Kwanghee was doing well. He usually didn't mind showing them, so his instinct to hide this letter had Kevin feeling uneasy.

"I'm sorry, I have to be off early this morning, so I can't talk. Kwanghee has some news. I'll tell you about it at dinner."

Spring had come, and Kevin could smell the blossoms from the trees in Municipal Gardens as he walked to work in the morning. He walked alone, feeling uneasy. Somehow he knew that this news would not be good. He kept his head down and focused on avoiding puddles from last night's rain.

* * *

The day passed slowly and at last Kevin met Siwan at dinner. Siwan had brought his whole folder containing letters from Kwanghee. They didn't eat much, Kevin was too anxious about what Siwan was about to tell him.

"Kwanghee says he's engaged."

Kevin nodded. He was prepared for the worst and yet it still hit him like a knife in the gut.

"It's some woman he works with. I guess he was determined to find someone that would agree to marry him."

Kevin nodded again. He couldn't make any words come out.

Siwan continued: "To tell the truth he told me about this a week ago. I replied to him then to tell him that I didn't agree with it. I still think he's being rash. I told him to reconsider it, but he won't listen."

Siwan offered Kevin the letters, and he took them without reading them. Reading the words would make it real.

"I suppose he's in love," he said at last.

"That seems to be the case," Siwan agreed. "He mentioned her in a few of the earlier letters. He even called her an annoying pig in the first one. After that he changes his mind about her dramatically. He's certain she's the one."

"Are you going to write back to him?"

"It's too late for me to change his mind. I could remind him that just a few months ago he was wanting to marry someone else. I don't think he knows his own heart. But it wouldn't help to tell him this."

"Then you should write to congratulate him. Tell him he has my congratulations too."

Siwan nodded slowly. "Yes... I was thinking that's what I should do." 

He put the letters back in his folder and they continued to sit together, silently, not eating. 

"Are you okay?" Siwan asked, after a minute.

"Yeah, of course," Kevin replied and laughed awkwardly. Even so, he knew it was obvious to Siwan that he was not okay. "It's the natural thing to do, isn't it? He's better off having a wife. They can have a family, like a normal couple. If he had married me, then it would have been more difficult."

Siwan shrugged. "Maybe so."

"I'll get over it. It was an immature love anyway."

Siwan nodded, but Kevin got the impression that he was not convinced.

* * *

Since the spring had come, and Kevin was no longer busy on the weekends, he could take time to visit the parks. He went out on Saturdays, usually with Hyungsik and Heecheol in tow, sometimes Siwan. They would walk together and sometimes play soccer on the oval.

They were innocent pleasures that helped him forget about Kwanghee and the unavoidable ache that struck him whenever he remembered the impending wedding.

One day, in mid spring, a few weeks before Kwanghee was to return, Heecheol mentioned the wedding and all of Kevin's careless happiness vanished.

"When Kwanghee comes back, he will be married," he said, since apparently he had also received a letter about the news. "I'm upset about it for two reasons," he continued. "Firstly, he's not getting married here so we can't attend the wedding, and secondly I'm jealous that he was the first out of all of us to find someone. He was always bragging about how he could easily impress a woman, but none of us really believed him, did we?"

They laughed, and Siwan added, "Heecheol, you've had a lot of girlfriends - why didn't you ask any of them to marry you?"

Heecheol stopped laughing and sighed. "To be honest, I've been waiting for the Bureau to arrange my marriage. It's the best thing to do, right?"

"Me too," Hyungsik said. "I prefer not to think about it, and let the system decide it. They have a way of choosing someone appropriate. You can't expect to find the perfect person right in the same department and office as you."

They continued their walk back into the city centre, and Siwan gave Kevin a careful look. He must be checking up on me, he thought, and he felt a little embarrassed. Previously, he had felt guilty about not telling Hyungsik and Heecheol about the real relationship between himself and Kwanghee, but now he was grateful that he hadn't. He hated that they would feel pity for him at a time like this.

Besides, he knew that his sadness was temporary. He would soon have someone of his own to marry, and he then he would be feeling everything that Kwanghee must be feeling now: the proper and wholesome happiness that comes from having someone to complete you.

* * *

Siwan and Kevin submitted their applications for marriage arrangements in early April. Kevin was feeling optimistic. If Kwanghee was to return to them married, then he would also have someone to marry and the thought filled him with hope.

Siwan was optimistic too, but he didn't seem to hold the same romantic hopes as Kevin.

"It will be good to move out of the dorm," he said. "And I might even get a promotion if I get a good partner. Getting matched to someone the same level or higher would be best. Someone in a lower level would be fine too, provided they're good at cooking and making conversation."

Kevin was mildly amused by Siwan's opinions. "Do you really just think of marriage as a business arrangement?"

Siwan smiled sarcastically. "Isn't it, though? I think marriage has always been a business arrangement, or at least the most successful marriages are. Sure, it would be nice to fall in love too, but I can do that after everything else."

Kevin nodded and together they handed their forms to the office.


	11. Chapter 11

Kevin was required to undergo a health check up as part of the Bureau's protocol. Every little detail about his health would be recorded in a book that the Bureau would store forever. Kevin thought that he would do well, since he took good care of himself, but the doctor surveyed him with a cold and detached air.

When at last he was set free he met Hyungsik out the front of the building. The cold winter had transitioned quickly into the heat of the summer, and the air was sticky and humid. Kevin hoped that walking would help him shake off the discomfort of the examination.

"Are you looking forward to getting your marriage assignment?" Hyungsik asked.

"I think so. Actually, I don't know."

"You're not sure if you'll like the person?"

Kevin chuckled. "I'm not sure if they'll like me. I might not be ready for them yet."

Hyungsik gave him an encouraging smile. "I'm sure you will be. You're the most mature one out of all of us, well except for Siwan." He paused, then added, "I'm not sure if I'm ready myself."

Kevin wished he had words to encourage Hyungsik, but they would be insincere since he and Hyungsik had the same worries.

After a few moments of silence, Hyungsik added, "I hope that I can be arranged with a man."

Kevin looked at him curiously and Hyungsik blushed.

"I mean, I think that would suit me better. Ah, I think we would just understand each other better, if that makes sense."

"I understand." Kevin smiled but in his mind he felt knocked over. Before this, he had never realised that Hyungsik had this kind of preference. _I should have realised it though,_ he thought. _He always loved to hug me, I wonder if there was any meaning in it?_ He was bowled over by the realisation that he might have done the wrong thing by his friend, but Hyungsik continued to hum cheerfully as they walked together, completely unaware of Kevin's sudden awakening.

"Have you been to see Kwanghee yet?" Hyungsik asked, unknowingly giving Kevin yet another blow. Kwanghee had come back a week ago, but not to the dormitory. He had his own house now, where he lived with his wife.

"I haven't. Have you?"

"No, not yet but I have to say I am a bit curious about his new wife. Siwan went to see them last week and he told me that she was just like a female version of Kwanghee." He laughed. "I don't know if that's good or bad."

Kevin nodded. "I suppose that we will meet them eventually." That came out a little more solemn than he had intended.

Kevin and Hyungsik ate dinner together at a nearby bar. Kevin enjoyed eating with Hyungsik, since Hyungsik always ate his food so ravenously and sensually, and his enthusiasm for food was infectious. They talked about work, Hyungsik telling him about the latest from the Department of Health, and he mentioned some news about his family (one of his uncles had acquired a new business).

Kevin still thought about what Hyungsik had told him earlier and he considered bringing it up again.

"I know I've never asked you this before," he started, "but I'm wondering now. Have you ever dated anyone, or I don't know, liked someone?"

Hyungsik finished a spoonful of soup while blushing slightly, which led Kevin to believe that the answer was yes. But of course it was! How come he'd never thought to ask before?

"To be honest, I haven't had much dating experience. But there was someone I liked a while back."

"Can I ask who?"

Hyungsik blushed again. Kevin could see that his ears were turning red.

"Did you ever like me?"

Hyungsik's eyes widened as he put his spoon down. "No, no, not like that. You're like a brother."

Inside, Kevin breathed a sigh of relief. "Is it anyone I know?"

"It might be..." Hyungsik continued eating and Kevin decided he wouldn't ask anymore. After all, it wasn't fair to press Hyungsik for his secrets when he himself had kept secrets from Hyungsik.

* * *

Kevin arranged to meet with Hyungsik again on the following Sunday afternoon, to visit the parks as they usually did. This had become a ritual outing, and Siwan or Heecheol often joined them. However, when he arrived at the park he was surprised to see that Siwan was already there, and he had brought Kwanghee and his new wife.

This was the first time he had seen Kwanghee in a long while, and the sight of him made his heart jump. His hair was cut slightly differently and he was wearing his bureaucrat uniform, looking excessively smart and formal for a day at the park.

"Kwanghee looks all shiny and new," Hyungsik commented fondly as they approached. Kevin didn't say anything, but those were the exact words he would have used had he described Kwanghee himself.

He paid careful attention to the woman beside him. She was small and round faced, with features that were pretty, yet intelligent. She laughed loudly, and Kevin could already start to see why Siwan had called her the female version of Kwanghee.

"Kwanghee- _hyung_ , hello!" Hyungsik called cheerfully.

They turned to greet them as Kevin and Hyungsik approached. The woman laid her hand on Kwanghee's arm.

"You know Kwanghee," she said, "it's just as well we got married before we came to Baksan. If I had met your friends before you, I might have chosen one of them instead."

He replied: "They have nice faces, but I think you will find their personalities are quite dull."

She rolled her eyes. "I knew you would say something like that." She detached herself from his side and bowed to Kevin and Hyungsik. "I'm pleased to meet you," she said. "I'm Kim Yewon."

Hyungsik and Kevin introduced themselves in turn.

"Did _hyung_ tell you about us?" Hyungsik asked her.

"You'd be surprised," she said, smiling. "He told me a lot about his charming friends from the Academy. He never said your personalities were dull."

"Are you regretting that you married him yet?" Siwan asked, smiling cheekily. Kwanghee gave him a dark look.

Yewon, who had been speaking so brassily, suddenly laughed. "No, not at all," she said softly, "I wouldn't choose any other man in the world."

She's certainly very charming, Kevin thought, but he was convinced by her sincerity. It occurred to him that perhaps Kwanghee had found someone that loved him dearly and whom he loved dearly in return and they would be happy together. He knew that he couldn't be opposed to anything that made Kwanghee happy, and from this he gained a new peace of mind.

* * *

When Kevin received the letter informing him of his marriage assignment, he was running late and he didn't have time to open it at breakfast. He carried it with him to work, keeping it in his breast pocket, still unopened. He thought that there should be some ceremony to it, since this letter held information that would impact the rest of his life. He couldn't just open it at work, he would have to wait until some opportune moment.

One of his coworkers noticed the letter.

"Is that your marriage assignment?" she whispered.

"Uh, yes..." He took the unopened paper and showed it to her, then put it back in his pocket.

"Well aren't you going to open it?"

"I'll wait until later."

"What for, aren't you curious?"

"Yes, but I think it's better to wait until after work."

She moved her chair back to her own half of the desk, then a minute later she whispered again:

"Can I open it?"

"Huh?"

"Let me see who it is. I won't tell."

Kevin wasn't sure why she should be interested. He passed her the letter and she opened it and quickly closed it again. She passed it back to him.

"The name sounds familiar but I don't know them," she said. "It's a pretty name though."

Kevin's curiosity burned even stronger, but he resolved to keep the letter unopened. He decided to open it on his way home, so that way he would know by the time he got to dinner. He stopped outside the entrance to Municipal Gardens. It was a hot summer night and there was no breeze. He opened the letter.

He scanned the contents of the letter, which mostly talked about counselling preparations for marriage, until he reached the name of his proposed partner. He stared at the name, printed in black against white paper, and then stared at it even harder in case he had read it wrong. Despite the small light of twilight, he convinced himself that he had read the name correctly, then he continued walking back to the dormitory.

At dinner he met Siwan and they sat down together.

"Did you get your assignment letter?" Siwan asked him softly, almost cautiously.

"Yes, did you?"

He nodded. They each produced their letters then laid them out on the table for the other to see. Sure enough, the names _Im Siwan_ and _Kim Jiyeop_ were matching.

"Well then," Siwan said at last. "I guess this means we're getting married."


	12. Chapter 12

Kevin passed his assignment letter to Hyungsik who read it with wide eyes.

" _Daebak!_ " he cried.

Heecheol wanted to see it for himself. He came over and took the letter from Hyungsik's hands. He also read it with wide eyes. " _Daebak..._ " he echoed.

Kevin blushed. "Is it really?"

"Of course!" Hyungsik said, smiling brightly. "You and Siwan, what a pair."

Kevin nodded. He couldn't say anything bad about marrying Siwan, it was Siwan after all. But that was just it! Siwan was a friend, it was just about impossible to imagine him as anything else, least of all as a husband. _Husband,_ was that even the right word? Kevin could not deny it - he had always imagined that he would end up with a wife. Did Siwan feel the same way? It didn't seem like it. After all, he had only talked about marriage as if it were a business arrangement.

The more he thought about it, the more he realised that he didn't know what Siwan's romantic inclinations were. He had never known Siwan to have had any romantic feelings or experience, but then again, Siwan was a secretive fellow.

Perhaps that is something I will learn about him soon, Kevin thought.

* * *

Hyungsik's wish had come true and he was arranged to marry a male employee from the Department of Military who was also the same age. Heecheol was going to marry a girl he known previously, a friend of theirs from the Academy.

Neither Hyungsik or Heecheol seemed to be particularly excited about their own arrangements; they were far more excited about the arrangement of Siwan and Kevin. To them, it was exciting that two of their friends would be getting married.

Presumably Kwanghee had also learned about it, but Kevin had not heard from him. In fact, he had not seen or spoken to Kwanghee very much since he had returned to Baksan with his wife.

In preparation for their upcoming wedding, Siwan and Kevin were required to have an interview with a counsellor. When they arrived at the office, there was an awkward silence lingering between them. Kevin wondered if Siwan had detected his reservations about the marriage. He wanted to apologise, but he didn't really know how to say it.

In the counsellor's office they were made to sit opposite each other across a white table. The room was cold and sterile, as was the counsellor herself. She was a small woman with a hard expression. She sat to the side and took notes in a folder.

She began by asking them a serious of monotonous questions.

"How long have you known each other?"

"Three years."

"How many partners have you had previously?"

"None," Siwan answered.

Kevin paused for too long and both Siwan and the counsellor stared at him. "One," he said. Siwan raised his eyebrows slightly and Kevin looked away with embarrassment. He was hating this meeting already.

The counsellor then instructed them to ask each other an important question. "Something you think is important to know about your future partner."

Siwan nodded, then turned to Kevin. "Are you disappointed that you were arranged with me?"

Kevin's mouth opened involuntarily. How could he ask this? "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I think you told me before, you wanted to marry a woman."

"Ah, yes..."

"So are you disappointed that you were arranged with me?"

Kevin looked towards the counsellor in desperation. She was busy writing into her folder. He knew that he couldn't lie. "Well, I suppose I did think about marrying a woman. But if I must be arranged to a man, I'm glad that it's you."

Siwan nodded. He seemed satisfied by the answer.

The counsellor intervened with her monotonic voice. "The Bureau has chosen these unions for a purpose. You may think of it as a professional union, towards furthering the goals of the Bureau and the country. The Bureau may request for you to adopt and raise state children, depending on your circumstance. If that's what you wanted to know."

Kevin nodded in submission.

"Now please ask a question to your partner."

"Ah, right," Kevin stuttered slightly. "Um, yes. Siwan... do you think our marriage is like a business arrangement?"

He could see Siwan suppress a smile. "I think we are going to become a good alliance. I think of it like being a team... we'll look out for each other."

Kevin nodded. "That's good."

"Do you think we'll fall in love?" Siwan asked.

Kevin choked slightly. Because they were facing, it was hard to avoid each others' eyes. Siwan's round, dark eyes were looking right into him.

"I don't know," he replied.

Siwan smiled. "Me neither."

Kevin asked: "have you ever fallen in love before?"

Siwan pressed his lips together before answering. "No, I don't think so."

The counsellor intervened again. "Remember that this will be a professional union. Falling in love is not necessary."

Still recording everything in her folder, she asked them to choose something to compliment the other with.

Siwan went first. "Kevin-ah, I mean _Jiyeop_ , has a nice body. His arms are strong."

Kevin wasn't expecting Siwan to say something about his appearance. He had assumed the question was meant to be about their character. He felt embarrassed by the compliment, and he wondered if he should reply with a similar compliment about Siwan's appearance.

He looked over Siwan's body from across the table. His eyes moved from Siwan's small, soft face down his thin chest to his pale and delicate hands that were folded elegantly in front. He suddenly remembered the dream he often had, the one where he was lying between Siwan and Kwanghee, and they were touching his naked body with their hands, Kwanghee's brown hands and Siwan's small white hands. He coughed.

"Siwan is handsome too. He has a good face, and um, pretty hands."

The counsellor did not write this in the folder. She looked between them as if she was not satisfied by these answers. "Say something about the others' character."

"Siwan is smart."

"Jiyeop is kind."

She recorded this. "Now, put your hands together."

Kevin put his hands out and Siwan placed his hands on top. The sight of Siwan's small, white hands inside his made him feel strangely self conscious. His hands were not small and delicate like Siwan's, and he already felt strange for having remembered the dream. Why did this have to be so awkward?

The counsellor spoke. "Remember, you must uphold the Bureau's values in your marriage as you would in your work. You are responsible for each other. This may be a professional union but a marriage is also for life. From now on your lives are shared; your life is no longer only your own."

* * *

When they left the counsellor, Kevin apologised to Siwan.

"I'm really sorry, I've been so awkward about his."

Siwan gave a half smile. "So have I. I think we can both admit that this is a bit weird. But let's not get too stressed about it. I don't see why anything needs to change between us."

"Yes, I suppose not."

"But we're dating now, right?"

"Huh?" Kevin stuttered something, but when he looked up Siwan was laughing.

"That's what happens before two people get married, right?"

"I suppose so."

They walked into the city centre and the awkwardness between them began to dissolve. It started to feel like old times again. They sat together at the park to watch a soccer game, and it felt as normal as ever. Kevin started to feel relieved that it was Siwan he was going to marry. Had it been someone else it may have been even more awkward. At least Siwan knew him well, and there would be no misunderstandings between them.

After dinner they went to a bar to drink and Siwan seemed to be in a brighter mood. He drank quite a lot and Kevin was not able to keep up with him. He attempted to, since it was sociable, but he did not have Siwan's iron stomach. While he was drunk he cheered up a lot. Drinking put him in a good mood and he felt like marvelling at how wonderful life was.

He wanted to put his arm around Siwan as they walked home. He did it clumsily since Siwan was a fair bit smaller and he accidentally smothered him. Fortunately Siwan was too drunk to get mad, and he pushed Kevin off while laughing. He joined their hands together regardless and they walked home hand in hand.

"I had one more question, important question, to ask you," Siwan said, his voice slightly slurred, but he still had that drunken seriousness which Kevin knew well.

"You should ask me then," Kevin said kindly, swinging Siwan's hand as they walked.

"Don't get mad," he said. He slowed down his walk, until he was at a stop. Kevin swung around so that they were facing. "Are you still in love with Kwanghee?"

Kevin didn't answer. "Is that really an important question?"

Siwan was completely serious now. "It might be."

"It doesn't matter now."

"Why not?"

"It's over. He's got his wife and I've got... I've got you."

Siwan nodded slowly. "Right, that's right. I guess it doesn't matter anymore."

* * *

Kevin and Siwan were married in August. Hyungsik and Heecheol accompanied them to the register as witnesses. There were many weddings taking place on that day, so the celebrant aimed to be as brief as possible. Once they had signed all relevant documents they were free to go.

Hyungsik gave Kevin a hug. He was looking particularly cheerful and rosy cheeked. Kevin had witnessed his wedding the week before and he had not looked so rosy on his own wedding day. Siwan suggested that they should go to Municipal Gardens to have an official photograph taken. They said good bye to Heecheol and Hyungsik at the office.

It a sunny day and Kevin felt a little hot under his dress uniform. They would be able to go home as soon as the photograph was taken.

In the garden, a photographer was taking photos of couples on a bridge. Kevin noticed how the photographer would instruct the couple to stand side by side, turned inwards slightly. He would take two photos. The first of the couple standing side by side and the second of the couple lightly kissing.

Kevin felt strangely nervous when it was their turn.

"Just look natural," Siwan said softly.

Kevin wasn't sure if he had a natural look. All of his photos came out looking awkward. He tried to stand up straight at least. Newlyweds always looked proud - proud to be standing next to the person they had married, and full of hope and promise for the future. He thought about the first time he had seen Kwanghee with Yewon. Even though she teased him, he looked proud of her.

Siwan tugged at his arm. He angled his face up to meet Kevin's and Kevin was slow to get the cue. Catching it, at last, he moved in to press his lips against Siwan's and then it was over.

They had to move on, since more people wanted their photo taken. Kevin felt a funny tingling on his lips. It had barely been a real kiss at all, and yet Kevin couldn't help but think that Siwan's lips were very soft.

* * *

That night they stayed in their new house. It was a one room apartment in the largest housing complex in the district. It was Kevin's first time seeing the place and he was disappointed to find that it was small and dark. A small upstairs section had enough room for a mattress to sleep on, and downstairs there was a small, yet fully functional kitchen. The kitchen pleased Kevin the most. He missed having the freedom to cook for himself.

They spent the rest of the day moving in and ate dinner together in the evening, sitting at the small dining table they were given. Kevin had made ramyeon.

Siwan looked around at the room appreciatively. "I think it's nice enough that we could have guests."

"The _dongsaengs?_ "

"Of course. And Kwanghee."

Kevin nodded. He wondered if their places were the same.

They soon dressed for bed, and lay down beside each other on the mattress. It was not a small mattress and there was easily enough space for the both of them. Kevin lay his head down, ready to go to sleep, but he noticed that Siwan was sitting up right as if waiting for something.

_Oh, it's our wedding night,_ Kevin thought stupidly. _Am I supposed to do something?_

He sat up too, then looked at Siwan. In the dark he could see that Siwan looked tired.

"Should we... kiss?"

Siwan pursed his lips slightly, and Kevin moved forward in anticipation, but Siwan stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay, you don't have to."

He lay down with his back to Kevin, and then went to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Kevin woke up in a dark room with no window and no way of knowing what time it was. An arm was flung across his face, so he lifted it off gently as he rolled to his side.

 _It must be very early if Siwan is still here,_ he thought.

They had now been together for six months. Normally by the time Kevin woke up Siwan had already left for work, and so he was accustomed to rolling around freely on the mattress. The feeling of Siwan's warm and heavy body was an anomaly, but it was not unpleasant. Siwan had an odd habit of kicking his arms and legs around in sleep. Still, his body was a source of heat that was more than welcome on a cold winter morning such as this.

Kevin crawled out of bed reluctantly, doing his best to leave Siwan in peace. He had to get ready extra early today, since he had been asked to come to work before hours for a tour. He had been promoted to a new office and this was his first day.

He got dressed quickly and then cut some fruit in the kitchen. He thought about leaving some for Siwan, but he wasn't sure if Siwan ever ate breakfast. Regardless, he put the fruit in a container and left it in the fridge with a note.

When he finally made it outside, the light of the new day was only just beginning to emerge from behind the buildings. It was cold, but somehow the new day had a freshness to it that felt hopeful to Kevin.

He arrived at the office, the exact place he was told he was to wait, and from there he waited for half an hour. He began to panic that he had maybe read the instructions wrong, and that he should have been somewhere else. Eventually someone came to open the door, but it was not the supervisor he had been expecting. It was a woman, about the same age as Kevin and he had known her previously at the Department of Communications. Her name was Ryu Sera. He bowed to her when she approached and she smiled, a little sarcastically.

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Ah, no not really." He stood awkwardly clutching his cold arms. "Was I supposed to wait somewhere else?"

"Are you waiting for Mr Bae? He's late. He's always late."

"Oh I see..."

"How are you anyway... is it Kevin?"

"Jiyeop."

"Ah right, Korean name." Sera nodded in understanding. She was a foreigner too - or rather someone who had left and returned, like Kevin. Unlike Kevin she had never changed her name.

"If it makes you feel better," she said, "I'll tell Mr Lee that you were waiting here on time and that Mr Bae was late."

"Uh right, thank you," Kevin replied. He didn't know if that was really a good thing. Who was Mr Lee? Surely she didn't mean the director of the department?

The supervisor that Kevin was meant to be waiting for, Bae Kyungjin, appeared around the corner at that moment, holding stacks of paper in his hands, several in danger of falling out. He waved his arms about emphatically. "I'm coming, I'm coming," he said.

He had messy hair, big glasses and slightly crooked teeth. There was nothing threatening about him at all. Kevin felt relieved in some ways and disappointed in others.

"So, welcome to the Department of Foreign Affairs," Bae Kyungjin said, chuckling as if he too could see that this greeting was much less ceremonious than Kevin had anticipated. "I'll show you around the office, but first let me get these back to my desk."

He followed Kyungjin into the office and watched him as he threw down the stacks of paper he had been holding onto the top of an untidy desk.

"So anyway, this is the office," he said. "This is just the office for our unit and you're not allowed anywhere else. Over there is the tea room, and you can go there. Over that way is where our boss lives, and you are definitely not allowed to go there." He prompted Kevin to do a 180 turn. "Over there is where you sit. I have to rush, I'm afraid. If you have any questions ask Sera."

With that he was gone, and Kevin was left standing dumbfounded for a few moments.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Sera asked him. "We have a lot of work to do."

He went to his desk and she handed him a few folders.

"I'm glad you're here now, this workload has been killing me. It's all translation stuff, you know what to do."

"Same as what I did in Department of Comms?"

"Pretty much, but these are legal documents so you have to be extra careful."

He nodded and started to work on them. It was boring, but it wasn't hard. The sense of freshness he had felt that morning was no longer there. To think he come out so early all for nothing!

At midday he ate his lunch with Sera on the balcony.

"Are you married?" he asked her.

"No."

"Not yet?"

"I'll put it off as long as I can," she said and laughed. Her laughter struck Kevin as being a little sad.

"How come?"

"Marriage doesn't suit a working woman. There's a saying that it's a blessing to men and a curse to women. A little paradoxical don't you think?"

"I suppose so."

"Are you married?"

"Yes..." Kevin half wished that he could say no.

"Oh, sorry for saying that. I'm sure your wife is okay."

"Ah, I don't have a wife..." He looked away, embarrassed. "Which is to say, I think I am the wife..."

"Oh, I see..."

"How do you find the department?" Kevin asked, desperate to change the topic of conversation.

"I don't know... I don't really get to see much of it, we're just at our desks all the time. I'm hoping I'll get promoted to interpreter work later on. How about you, how is your first day?"

Kevin looked away shyly. "I'm not sure why I was promoted just to be to doing the same work I was doing before."

"It's doesn't matter about the work," Sera said, smiling her slightly crooked smile. "The main thing is that you have a new stripe on your uniform." She poked his shoulder. "You'd be surprised how useful it can be."

She went back inside and Kevin contemplated her words. It was true, he was now a higher ranking bureaucrat than he had been before. That must mean something, but he wasn't sure what.

He returned to his desk and worked diligently for the rest of the day. It was almost the end of the day when a visitor came to the office. Sera stood up quickly and bowed. Kevin was slower, but he did the same.

The visitor was a middle aged man with a balding head and dark eyebrows. He looked up and down at Kevin.

"Good afternoon, Mr Lee," Sera said, and she bowed.

Realising that this must indeed be Lee Tae-il, director of the department, Kevin did the same.

"Don't let me interrupt you," he said to Sera. "I just wanted to meet the new kid. What's your name?"

"Kim Jiyeop, sir."

He nodded. "Ah right. Do good work."

With that he left, and Kevin sat back down again. He looked over to Sera and he could see her smiling to herself.

"He's a nice boss," she said at last, when Lee Tae-il would definitely be out of earshot.

Kevin nodded. He had that impression too.

* * *

When Kevin got home that night, Siwan was not there. This was not surprising, since Siwan was not often not back until late, either due to working extra hours or going out with his bosses. Siwan's office was much more demanding than his own, and Siwan was aiming for another promotion, so he was working extra hard.

Still, it was dull to come home to an empty apartment. Kevin decided that he would do what he did most nights and go to the gym. He changed his clothes and went out again.

When he came back an hour later, Siwan was still not home. He made himself some supper from whatever he had left in the fridge, and when sitting down he noticed a paper note written in Siwan's handwriting.

_Thank you for the fruit._

Kevin sighed and folded the paper. He undressed then went to sleep alone.


	14. Chapter 14

Some months ago, during _Chuseok_ , Kevin and Siwan had taken a trip to visit Siwan's family in his hometown.

It was a long train ride. Kevin hoped that Siwan might tell him some things about the family he was about to meet, yet he seemed unwilling to speak much on that topic. He spoke now and then about other trivial things, and for the most part was quiet and chose to read in stead of make conversation.

Kevin was not particularly bothered. He only remembered what Kwanghee had once told him, that Siwan did not get along well with his own people, and Kevin couldn't help but wonder why. He supposed he would find out soon enough.

Before the train arrived, Kevin said to Siwan: "I think you should just call me _Jiyeop_ when we get there."

Siwan nodded. "Understood."

"Actually, I think you should just call me Jiyeop all the time from now on."

"Really, why?"

"Because it's my name. It's a bit childish to have people calling me _Kevin_. Besides, I'm not in an English country anymore."

"Okay, if you wish, Kim Jiyeop."

Siwan introduced Kevin to his parents in the way that he promised. "Kim Jiyeop, my partner."

Siwan's parents were both well dressed and good looking. They looked over Kevin curiously, and Kevin thought that they might have been disappointed that Siwan had not brought home a wife. To his surprise, they seemed warm to him.

"So this is my new son in law?" Siwan's father said, and didn't seem all that displeased. "I guess I don't mind having another son."

Siwan's family were in the shipping business and they owned a large property near the coast. Kevin was unaccustomed to seeing such a house, since almost everyone in Baksan lived in cramped apartments and housing complexes. He turned his head in admiration, and was subsequently taken outside by Siwan's father.

"Do you like sports, Jiyeop?"

"Ah, yes..."

"Can you play tennis?"

"Sure..."

"Excellent!" Siwan's father took him by the arm. "My son is hopeless at tennis. But I always like having someone to play with."

The family gave Kevin his own room to sleep in, and from that he supposed they did not think that he and Siwan had any kind of romantic relationship. Kevin was glad, since it was true - they did not. In fact, Siwan and Kevin probably did not appear to be close at all to the family. Somehow, while Kevin was being taken by father to be introduced to the uncles and cousins, Siwan had slipped away and Kevin did not see him again until dinner time. But Kevin did not want the family to think that he and Siwan were not close.

"Siwan is very brilliant, and I admire him," he told father, who nodded in understanding. "He's doing very well at the Bureau."

"I'm not surprised," father replied. "He's always been very focused and competitive. He's my son, after all."

After dinner, Kevin found Siwan with his sister. She was sitting at a piano and Siwan was standing beside, holding a violin. He sat quietly to the side, so that he might watch them play.

"I didn't know that you could play the violin," he told him after they had finished their song.

Siwan looked down modestly.

"You should tell him to practice more," the sister said. She was very beautiful and Kevin felt a little shy in her presence. The way she sat so elegantly at the piano made her look like a celebrity.

"We are bureaucrats," Siwan said. "Musical life isn't suitable for us."

"What are you talking about? Musical life is suitable for everyone." She turned to Kevin, smiling as if hoping that he would take her side. "Siwan thinks that if one isn't brilliant and perfect at music, then one shouldn't bother with it at all."

Siwan side-eyed her. "But _noona_ , don't you agree? You wouldn't be saying that if you weren't already the best pianist in the country."

Even though it appeared that every member of Siwan's family was as talented and brilliant as he was - his father a successful businessman, his mother a university professor, his sister a famous pianist - there was something out of place about Siwan. Kevin thought that it might just be his look. Siwan's small and delicate build did not seem to fit in with the athletic look of his male family members, or even the tall and elegant look of his female family members. He may have been landed with an odd combination of the genes. Kevin thought of the cuckoo bird that was hatched in the nest of another bird.

"Well, they seemed to like you," Siwan said to him on their way home.

Kevin could sense a slight hint of bitterness in his voice, so he chose not to reply.

* * *

In the new year, Siwan and Kevin were invited to a party at Kwanghee's house. Kevin prepared a number of side dishes to bring along, on Siwan's suggestion. "Everyone likes your cooking," he said.

Kevin wondered if they would be like a peace offering, since he had not been to see Kwanghee at his house yet, and they had hardly returned to being friends.

When they arrived at the party there were already a large number of people present - about as much as could possibly fit in such a small apartment. They were mainly seated on the floor in a circle. Heecheol and Hyungsik were there, but Kevin did not recognise the others.

Yewon took the dishes from Kevin and thanked him.

"Kwanghee sure has a lot of friends," Siwan said, since he seemed to be thinking the same.

At that time Kwanghee was seated beside a man that Kevin did not know. He was fairly young, about their age, and wearing a military uniform with a name stitched into the breast. Kevin was surprised that Kwanghee knew a serviceman.

Kwanghee looked up when they arrived. He took the arm of the serviceman and they stood up together and bowed. "This is my best friend, Siwannie," Kwanghee told the man. "And that's his partner, Kim Jiyeop."

Kevin kept his expression pleasant and bowed.

"This is my friend from my hometown, Moon Junyoung. He's a cadet in the air force. We've known each other since we were babies, isn't that right?"

Moon Junyoung smiled kindly. "That's right. It's good to meet you." He had a soft voice and a shy manner, and Kevin couldn't help but wonder why it was that Kwanghee was always drawn to having friends that were so unlike himself.

Other members of the party included another young man who looked barely older than a teenager. He wore civilian clothes and his hair was a little longer than what was fashionable. Kevin later discovered that his name was Ha Minwoo and he was a student and writer. It was not clear how he had come to know Kwanghee.

Also present were a number of women that Kevin assumed to be friends of Yewon. One was another bureaucrat (he could tell from her uniform) but the other woman was a civilian and he did not know anything about her. He later came to the conclusion that she might be a girlfriend of Moon Junyoung.

Kevin took a seat beside Hyungsik and they stayed together for the entirety of the evening.

"How is your partner?"

"Fine, I guess," Hyungsik replied tersely then proceeded to fill his bowl with more food.

"Where is he tonight?"

"I don't know." He ate vigorously.

"Is your relationship not going well?"

"It's better if it's like this, and we don't see each other too often. Adjusting to a new person can be hard."

"Ah, true, true..."

Heecheol was bright that evening. He was chatting animatedly with Yewon and her friend. She laughed and hit his shoulder.

Kwanghee scolded her. "Aish, he's not even that funny..."

Yewon straightened up and flashed him a dangerous look. "Don't be such a spoil sport."

He ignored her. "Heecheol-ah, where is your wife?"

"She couldn't make it, I'll bring her next time." Heecheol's mood became a little sour and he looked over towards Kwanghee with bitterness.

Kevin felt Hyungsik's head fall onto his shoulder, and he looked down at his friend and smiled. Hyungsik could be so cute, like a child, at times.

"It's nice being here with everyone," he said sleepily. "Even when they're fighting."

Kevin decided to let Hyungsik stay like that. He knew that he was probably lonely, living in an apartment with only a stranger for company. _I should make him visit me more often,_ he thought.

The room quietened down and Kevin could overhear the conversation between Kwanghee and Moon Junyoung. They were talking about their hometown.

"It had been a while since I had gone back," Moon Junyoung was saying, "but I found that they still remembered me. They remember you too."

"We're the good sons, who went away and made good for ourselves..."

"Do you ever feel like we betrayed them?"

"Sometimes..."

"I went to visit your father and he remembered me. He's sharp as ever. But he's not well."

"I know, I know..."

Siwan tapped Kevin on the shoulder. "Should we go now? Hyungsik looks like he's asleep."

"Ah, right." He gently pulled Hyungsik off his shoulder. He opened his eyes slowly and looked around.

"We'll walk with you back to your place if you like," Siwan said to him.

"Okay."

The three of them left together, Hyungsik with his arm around Kevin's shoulder. They took Hyungsik to his room, which was not very far. At the door he seemed reluctant to say goodbye.

"Ah, I think Kibum is not home yet," he mumbled. "I'll be okay."

After he went inside, they also turned to leave.


	15. Chapter 15

Kevin liked his new job well enough. He didn't mind the work, although the office had something of a slow energy to it, and there were even days when he would catch Bae Kyungjin sleeping at his desk.

He simultaneously revered and feared the director Lee Tae-il. He had a friendly manner and he would be kind to you if you accidentally met him in the hall (by no means was Kevin allowed to meet him on purpose). He also feared him, because naturally all bosses were to be feared.

One night, sometime late in February, he was on his way out of the office when he heard the voice of Lee Tae-il coming from the balcony.

"Aish, you crazy kid, what will become of you?" There was laughter in his voice, and his comment was followed by another set of laughter, coming from another person. Kevin recognised it - that high, staccato laugh...

Lee Tae-il was gone by the time Kevin came outside. Kwanghee was still there; he had his bag hung over his shoulder and his tie was crooked. He looked up when Kevin came.

"Ah, Kevinnie..." he said.

Kevin came to stand beside him. "It's not Kevinnie, it's Kim Jiyeop, your best friend's partner."

Kwanghee laughed. "Ah, were you really offended by that? I only said it like that so the introduction would make more sense. Come on, Kevin, you're my friend too."

Kevin reflected that it had been more than a year since they had really spoken as friends. Everything had gone cold since Kwanghee got married.

"What were you speaking to the boss about?" he asked.

"Nothing important. He likes my jokes... ah, he's the best, isn't he?"

"He seems friendly."

"And good too. The foreign office changed a lot since he came, or so I am told."

They began walking home together.

"How do you like working at the foreign office?" Kwanghee asked. "I didn't know you were here until a week ago."

"It's fine, not too exciting."

When they arrived at the building where Kevin lived, Kwanghee followed him upstairs. "I'd like to see Siwan if he's here."

"I doubt he will be, but you can come up if you like."

Kevin opened up the apartment to reveal an empty and dark room. As he turned the lights on, Kwanghee walked in and wandered around like he was inspecting the place. He paused when he saw the photograph of Siwan and Kevin on their wedding day, standing side by side on the bridge. He was studying it closely, so Kevin interrupted.

"It's from our wedding day."

"Ah, of course..." He turned around and gave Kevin a careful look. "So what's it like then?"

"What like?"

"Being married to Siwan."

"Well... I guess it's not much different to how it was when we lived together before."

"But what's it like... being intimate with him?"

Kevin was flushed with embarrassment. "What are you talking about?"

Kwanghee made a humming sound and continued pacing the room. "To tell you the truth I have always felt that Siwan is superior to me. He's better at me in everything, in intelligence, class, manners, appearance - but I hoped that I might be better than him in at least one thing."

"But I don't actually know..."

"Huh? You mean you haven't actually done it?"

"No, we're not really like that..."

"Oh..." Kwanghee shook his head slowly as if he was trying to understand why Kevin and Siwan had chosen to forgo such an opportunity.

Kevin was annoyed by this line of questioning. "So you and your wife are happy together, I take it?" The words tasted acidic.

Kwanghee returned to staring at the photograph. His reply was deadpan: "My wife married me because she likes me." There was a long silence in which they both stood still, Kwanghee staring at the photograph and Kevin at a spot on the floorboard. At last Kwanghee started to speak again. "You know Heecheol's wife can't stand him, right? And Hyungsik, well, he's just about terrified of going home to that guy. And you and Siwan... ah, it's not working is it?"

Kevin took a deep breath. He considered asking Kwanghee to leave. How dare he say something so shameless, and with such smugness! Even if he was right...

"You were so embarrassing the other night," he said suddenly, surprised by his own nerve. "Acting jealous like that. So what if Yewon laughed at Heecheol's jokes? If you were really sure that she liked you, you wouldn't have to act like that."

"Hmm, you're right." Kwanghee turned around and paced again, returning to stand on the other side of Kevin. "I'm a very jealous person, to tell the truth. And you're right, I'm not sure that she likes me. Well, I know that she does, but I can't really work out _why_. I'm worried that one day she'll wake up and realise just how ordinary I am."

Kevin didn't say anything. He wasn't expecting Kwanghee to be this confessional.

He continued. "And to be really honest, I hate that you and Siwan are married. It's shameful, I know, but I can't help it. It's selfish, but I want to think that he's not able to satisfy you like I did."

"Now you really are embarrassing yourself."

Kwanghee didn't reply, and they stood silently for a few moments.

"Kwanghee, why don't you go home..."

Kwanghee nodded sadly. "I'm sorry Kevin..."

"I already told you it's not Kevin anymore, call me Jiyeop."

Kwanghee turned his face away slightly, but Kevin expected that he was rolling his eyes. "You're right, I should go home." He headed for the door.

Kevin called him back. "Um, Kwanghee... your tie is undone."

"Huh..." He looked down at himself then up at Kevin, with a dull look, as if to say, _why should you care?_ Acting instinctively, Kevin came over to fix it himself. Kwanghee tensed up as soon as Kevin came in contact, poised as if ready to knock his hands away, but he stood still until it was done. Kevin's hands lingered. He pressed them against Kwanghee's chest to feel the gentle rise of his breathing.

Kwanghee pushed them away. "Alright. Good night Jiyeop."

* * *

Kevin decided to ask Hyungsik to visit him more often. It was clear that he was not happy at home, where he was mostly left by himself, and Kevin also wanted the company. Kevin liked to cook, but it was not much good cooking for only one person. Hyungsik ate quite a lot, so he was happy to make extra, and whatever was left over he would leave for Siwan.

"How is it going with Kibum?" Kevin asked him cautiously, as they were eating dinner together one night.

Hyungsik filled his mouth with more food so he wouldn't have to answer immediately. He eventually said, "It's not good."

"You don't like him?"

"He doesn't like me. I don't know why. I tried to be kind to him, but he's just... it's like he can't stand the sight of me. I have no idea what to do."

"Maybe give it time? He'll probably warm up to you."

"You're really lucky to have Siwan, you two just get along." Hyungsik didn't say it in a bitter way, but in an admiring way, as if he gained strength and inspiration from them. Kevin felt embarrassed, so he laughed it off.

"Ah, we're not perfect you know... in fact, we don't really get to see each other that often."

Hyungsik looked around as if expecting Siwan was acting lurking somewhere in a corner. "He's busy at work, right?"

"Yeah, he works in the Department of Industry."

"Well, not coming home because he's busy isn't the same as not coming home because he hates you."

Kevin nodded. "I suppose that's true."

After they had finished eating the man himself appeared. He came in looking tired and a little melancholy.

"Siwan- _hyung_ ," Hyungsik called sweetly, and Siwan looked at him in surprise, as if through his tiredness he had not seen them at all.

"Is something the matter, Siwan?" Kevin asked.

Siwan pulled his bag off his shoulder and left it on the sofa. "Yes," he said. "I saw Yewon this evening. She told me Kwanghee's father died last night." He joined them at the table. "Is it okay if I eat this? I'm really hungry."

Siwan began eating with vigor, while Kevin contemplated the news.

"How's Kwanghee coping?"

"Badly, I imagine. He really loved his old man."

"When's the funeral?"

"Tomorrow. It's in their hometown."

"We'll be able to catch the train tomorrow morning?"

Siwan nodded. "We can."

Hyungsik looked between them awkwardly. "I should probably go now. I don't want to disturb you two."

He stood up and collected his things quickly. Kevin offered to walk with him, but he declined. Something in his manner suggested that he expected that Kevin and Siwan would want to spend time alone with each other.

He was wrong. Siwan was content to finish eating alone, so Kevin tidied up a little and went to bed. He did, however, sit up for a long time, waiting for Siwan to join him - just in case Siwan had actually wanted to speak to him.

When Siwan came to bed he said nothing. He turned his lamp off then went to sleep facing the wall.


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning Kevin and Siwan caught the train together and sat side by side. They were silent for a long time and Kevin found the silence frustrating.

"How's the office?" he asked at last.

"Just stressful," Siwan replied. "They want me to do everything. You finish one task and there's five more waiting for you. How's your work?"

Kevin thought about his quiet desk, Kyungjin sleeping in the office and the friendly boss Lee Taeil making conversation in the hall. "I can't complain about it."

He watched how Siwan's head was falling forward slightly. "Are you still tired?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine," Siwan mumbled. "I'm glad they let me off for today. Kwanghee will be glad that we came."

"I think so too."

"Did you meet Kwanghee's father? What was he like?"

"He was a nice old man. I'm sorry that he died."

Siwan nodded glumly and let his head fall down over his chest again. The rest of the journey was quiet. 

When they arrived at the station, it had begun to rain, the hot sticky rain of the monsoon. The sky was the colour of red marble. 

They met Yewon at the funeral home. She looked quite unhappy and distressed. "It was good of you two to come," she said. "I think you would have more luck speaking to Kwanghee than me - he hasn't said hardly anything for the last two days. I know he's grieving, but it hurts to see him like this. He's not himself at all..."

Kwanghee was inside, kneeling on the floor, silent and unmoving. Siwan went over to kneel beside him and he spoke quietly. Kevin chose not to interrupt; he stayed outside where he saw Kwanghee's childhood friend, Moon Junyoung.

Kevin came to his side and Moon Junyoung began to speak. He had a soft and melancholic manner. "Kwanghee feels rather guilty, I think."

"Really, why?"

"He always talked about how he was going to have his father moved somewhere nicer once he started getting paid by the Bureau."

"It wasn't his fault though. He couldn't help being poor."

"I know. But it was hard for him to think of his father dying alone out here. He went away to make a better life, but now it feels like he was being selfish. He couldn't do anything for his family."

"I don't see it like that."

"Well, neither do I... but Kwanghee has this kind of mindset."

Siwan stood up and returned outside, looking somewhat defeated. "He's absolutely devastated. I can't say anything."

Moon Junyoung nodded. "It's understandable, he's lost his father. It's best to let him grieve."

Siwan nodded, then gestured towards Kevin. "You should go sit with him."

Kevin followed the instruction, but he wasn't sure if it would do any good. If Siwan could not comfort him, then Kevin would not be of much help either, especially since he and Kwanghee were not even on the best of terms. All the same he came to Kwanghee's side and kneeled on the ground beside him.

One look at Kwanghee made his heart contract. He had never seen his friend look so sad. Kwanghee's pain seemed to infect him, and he felt like he was about to choke up. There was nothing he could say, so he just put his arms out. It was a long shot, but it was worth a try. Surprisingly, Kwanghee accepted the invitation and he came forward and pressed his face into Kevin's shoulder. He sobbed loudly, and Kevin rubbed his back, mumbling _hush, hush_ and other meaningless words of comfort.

They seemed to stay in that position for a long time; people came in and moved around them, but Kwanghee wouldn't budge. He was still crying so Kevin did his best to hide his face with his body, knowing that Kwanghee was self conscious about these things.

 _I always associate you with home,_ Kwanghee had once said. He kissed Kwanghee's head a few times, unconscious that he was even doing it.

"You lost your father too, right?" Kwanghee said after he had stopped sobbing.

"Yes, but that was a long time ago."

"You're still trying to make him proud though, aren't you?"

"I suppose so. Your father was already so proud of you."

"I know I know, but did I deserve it?"

Kwanghee had still not taken his head off Kevin's shoulder. Kevin stroked his hair tenderly as they spoke. Yewon and Siwan came in to see them.

"Ah, you made him talk again," Yewon said, and then to Kwanghee, "Come on, darling you should eat something."

Kevin helped Kwanghee to stand. Siwan took his arm. "She's right, you should take care of yourself. Your old man wouldn't want to see you like this."

Kevin let go of Kwanghee and watched as the others took him away.

* * *

A month later the autumn had set it. On a Sunday afternoon Kevin and Hyungsik took a walk through Municipal Gardens. The gardens were most pleasant during the autumn months, but the sight of the red leaves gave Kevin a twisted and sick sensation. They kept to the paths and walked through the flower gardens.

"I want a divorce," Hyungsik said, somewhat out of the blue.

"What?"

"I want a divorce. Does that sound extreme?"

"Yes. The Bureau doesn't look too fondly on divorces. They would say you were arranged for a purpose and you should stick to it."

Hyungsik sighed loudly. "I don't know what else to do."

"Does Kibum ever hit you?"

"No."

"Hurt you in any way?"

"Not physically."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"Without a doubt. But I have no proof."

"Then I really think you don't have enough for a divorce case."

Hyungsik hung his head. "I was worried you might say that."

"What else can I say? You'd be better off staying out of trouble. What reason do you have to justify a divorce?"

"Just that we hate each other."

"And that's not enough."

"I know. But everyday it makes me sadder... to think I will never have the chance to be with someone who actually loves me, someone that I can look forward to growing old with. At the very best, he'll become someone I can tolerate."

They walked quietly for some time and Kevin felt bad that he could not say more to cheer Hyungsik up. But to encourage him to go for the divorce would be irresponsible.

"I'm going to visit my brother tonight," Hyungsik said.

"Will you mention your problem to him?" 

Hyungsik's family were rather influential, and if anyone were to help him, it would be them. But Hyungsik laughed. "I wouldn't dream of it. The Bureau are harsh, but my family would be worse. They wouldn't allow me to drag down their name."

They said goodbye to each other at the gates of the garden. Not long after Hyungsik had gone, Kevin turned to go back but Kwanghee intercepted him. He was on his way home from the the town centre.

"On a date with Hyungsik, were you?" he asked teasingly.

Kevin had not seen Kwanghee much since the funeral, but he seemed to be brighter now.

"We were talking over a few things. He's having trouble with his marriage. He was talking about getting a divorce."

Kwanghee shook his head. "It's a terrible idea. He shouldn't do it."

"That's what I told him."

"Most people in the Bureau are unhappy with their marriages. But they don't get divorces. They have affairs. Tell Hyungsik he needs to do what every other married man in the Bureau does and get a mistress."

"Every married man in the Bureau? Do _you_ have a mistress, Kwanghee?"

"I meant _almost_ every. It's so common, the Bureau won't care if he complains about adultery, unless he has overwhelming evidence of one-sided mistreatment."

"You might see it that way, but Hyungsik won't. He's too innocent..."

They walked together in silence for some time. Kevin craned his neck upwards to look at the blood red trees, so thick they almost covered the sky and the outline of the city behind.

"Kevin..." Kwanghee started, but Kevin interrupted him.

"I told you already, it's not Kevin anymore."

Kwanghee laughed. "Are you really serious about that?"

Kevin nodded gravely and Kwanghee laughed again. He proceeded to ask his question. "Have you ever considered having affair?"

"Huh? No, why?"

"I was wondering because you and Siwan have that sort of relationship... which is not really a relationship. I thought you might have been seeing someone else."

"Well I haven't."

"Siwan though... he still comes home late every night, is that right? And you and him have never slept together as lovers?"

Kevin looked at him and frowned. "Are you telling me that Siwan has a mistress?"

"Honestly, I didn't think you would be so naive..."

"So he's told you then? You know it for sure?"

"No, I don't know it for sure. But it seems obvious to me."

Kevin refused to walk any further. He wanted more information. How could Kwanghee just come out with an accusation like this?

"I think he would have told me," he said. "If he had a mistress. Like you said, we're not lovers so he wouldn't have to worry about making me jealous."

Kwanghee shook his head. "Who knows." He paused and stared carefully at Kevin's expression. "I've upset you, haven't I? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I know you're a moral sort of person, and breaking marriage vows isn't something you would take lightly. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"You think it would be better to leave me ignorant."

Kwanghee shrugged one shoulder. "Perhaps."

They began walking again. "I suppose I've never told you this," Kevin began, "but my mother and father were not married. My mother was, as you might say, my father's mistress."

"Ah..." Kwanghee bowed his head a little shamefully. "I see. Is that why you had to leave the country?"

"Not really..." Kevin smiled slightly. "Like you said, it's common, isn't it?"

Their walk slowed down when they came near the gingko trees.

"The garden is the best in autumn, do you agree?" Kwanghee asked. "It's the most romantic I think. Maybe because red is the colour of love? I don't know."

Kevin laughed awkwardly. "It's not romantic for me at all."

"Why is that?"

"We had our graduation in the autumn, on a day very similar to today. Do you remember it?"

"How could I forget..."

"I regret that day, I regret it a lot. If you don't mind me saying, I often think about what might have happened if I had given you a different answer." Kevin looked down suddenly. He didn't know why he was being so honest. Was it because they had held each other at the funeral? The cold barrier between them had been broken?

Kwanghee stared at Kevin for a long time, his dark eyes appearing more round than usual. It was like he was scanning Kevin for any trace of dishonesty or deceit.

"To tell the truth," he said, "I've sometimes wondered what might have happened if I had given you more time to answer."

Kevin shrugged. "It doesn't matter now, does it? It worked out for the best, and you're better off because you have Yewon."

Kwanghee shrugged. He looked at the trees, the sky, then looked down at the ground. "Am I really better off? It's a scary thought, but I don't know."

* * *

That night Kevin stayed awake, sitting up, until Siwan came to bed. Siwan came upstairs quietly and crawled into bed beside him without saying a word. He rolled over to face the wall like he always did, and turned off his lamp.

Kevin inched closer to him, slowly so not to cause suspicion. He wanted to get close enough to smell him, in case there was any foreign scent on him that would confirm Kwanghee's hypothesis.

Siwan was deathly still, like he often was when he was asleep, but you couldn't always tell. He stayed still and unmoving until Kevin's nose was almost pressed against his neck. He rolled over suddenly.

"What are you doing?" he asked out loud.

Trying to smell you, Kevin thought, but he couldn't say it. "I'm sorry," he mumbled and moved back.

Siwan reached out and took his hand. "It's alright," he said. "You can hold me if you want. That's what you were trying to do, right?"

"Um, yeah, I guess so..."

Kevin moved back over so that he was almost pressed against Siwan's back. He awkwardly brought his hand to Siwan's side and rubbed it gently. He breathed in the scent of Siwan's neck, but it just smelled like Siwan, and soap. He'd probably been to the baths that night.

Kevin sighed. It was foolish to try and catch Siwan out for cheating. He was probably innocent, and even if he wasn't, who was Kevin to judge him? He continued rubbing Siwan's side until he heard the sounds of gentle snoring, suggesting that Siwan was asleep.

He moved back to his own side of the bed and went to sleep himself.


	17. Chapter 17

Some good news came the following week. After three years of training and deployment in Special Unit, Dongjun was finally coming home on leave.

Heecheol, whom Dongjun had always been closest to, wanted to meet with him in the city. "I'd have him over at my place, but it's too small and I want everyone to be there." Heecheol managed to round up all the members of their group, and a few students who had been friends with Dongjun at the academy.

Kevin was nervous that Siwan would be too busy to come to the outing, but he agreed to it readily, and he came home from work exactly on time that night.

"Are you looking forward to seeing Dongjun again?"

"Of course," Siwan said brightly. "Out of all of us, he was really the most brilliant. I suppose he can't tell us much about Special Unit though, but I'm curious about it anyway. We've hardly heard from him in three years."

They arrived at the place Heecheol had specified just after sunset. It was a quiet place, with few customers, and they found the others easily. Dongjun was seated in between Heecheol and Hyungsik; Heecheol chatting animatedly and Hyungsik looking quite at peace. Heecheol's wife was there too and she sat opposite them, cheerfully adding bits to Heecheol's conversation.

When Dongjun saw them arrive, he stood up stiffly, as if about to give an army salute. Siwan embraced him.

"Dongjun, how are you?"

He returned the hug, then reached out for Kevin. "Siwan-hyung, Kevin-hyung, it's good to see you again."

"Are you well?"

Dongjun laughed, harshly and loudly. "Well, I'm on holiday now. It's good to see everyone again. They've been filling me in on what's happened."

He sat down again and Siwan and Kevin joined them at the table.

"They told me you two got married."

Kevin blushed a little. "Well that's true."

" _Daebak..._ "

"That's what we said," Heecheol added.

" _Dae... bak..._ " Siwan mimicked them under his breath.

Dongjun reached over the table and patted Heecheol's wife on the head. "My favourite girl!" he said. "I can't forgive Heecheol for stealing you."

"I had no choice..." Heecheol told him seriously.

"He sounds grateful, doesn't he?" she said, and they laughed.

They ate dinner together, and continued chatting about various things. Siwan was more talkative than usual. Even though the party was in his honour, Dongjun did not say much. He occasionally laughed out loud at the jokes they made, but his laughter was often a beat too late and sounded almost forced. Hyungsik stayed quiet for the night, but he seemed to be enjoying the company.

When they were home again, Kevin asked Siwan: "Do you think Dongjun seemed different tonight?"

"It's hard to tell. I haven't seen him for three years. In what ways did you think he was different?"

"There was something, I don't know, tense about him."

"Maybe it's just that he's older."

"Yes, probably... but I don't know, I kept getting the feeling that he was frightened about something."

Siwan shrugged. "I think I'd be a little frightened too, if I had been away for a long time and I tried to squeeze myself back into an old group of friends. We're all settled now, and he's not, so he might feel like he's the odd one out. Also, seeing his best friend and ex-girlfriend together, I suppose that would be weird."

Kevin nodded. "I suppose you're right. I asked him to come over for dinner tomorrow night. Will you be there too?"

Siwan blinked. "Of course."

"Of course? You're not usually home for dinner."

"But if Dongjun's here, I'll do everything I can to make it."

"Okay then," Kevin replied, but inside he wondered if it was true that Siwan sometimes lied about staying late because he had to.

* * *

The next night Kevin prepared a special meal for Dongjun. He made his famous seaweed soup and a range of other dishes that he wouldn't normally care to bother with. He sometimes cooked them for Hyungsik, but even then it was usually just the two of them, and this time there would be three.

Kevin found Dongjun to be even more edgy than the night before. He was often inattentive, and he would repeatedly push his hands through his short hair, as if stressing over some burdensome problem.

"Are you okay?" Kevin asked as he put the plates down.

Dongjun nodded. "I'm good. It was nice of you to invite me."

"How did you sleep last night?" Siwan asked.

Dongjun looked at him in shock, as if he had heard something else, then laughed. "Oh, it was fine. I stayed with Hyungsik."

"Not Heecheol?"

"No, Hyemi didn't want me there. She said they didn't have room."

Kevin frowned. "Didn't Hyungsik's husband mind you being there?"

"Huh? Oh, he wasn't there. I never saw the guy."

While they were eating Dongjun brought it up again. "Have you met him, this Kibum?"

Siwan and Kevin looked at each other briefly. "No, not really," Kevin said. "I've seen him once or twice at some formal events, but I wouldn't say I know him."

"Hyungsik wants to divorce him."

Siwan looked up in shock. "Really?"

Dongjun nodded. "That's what he told me."

"I hope you didn't encourage him," Kevin said, sounding more nagging than he wanted to. "I mean, I tried to talk him out of it already. I know he's unhappy, but divorce is a dangerous thing."

Siwan nodded. "He'll need to have very good evidence. If it backfires then he could be dismissed from the Bureau."

Dongjun nodded slowly. "Alright, I'll tell him that too when I see him again."

They continued eating their dinner in silence for some time, until Dongjun exclaimed: "Good soup, hyung. It's just how I remember it."

Kevin smiled with pride. "What do you usually have for dinner?"

"Ah, all sorts. Nothing like this though, you're the best."

"So what's it like in Special Unit?" Siwan asked. So far - both tonight and the night before - no one had broached the subject of Special Unit. It was like they were cautiously waiting for Dongjun to bring it up himself. But Siwan had clearly lost patience.

"Ah..." Dongjun stalled. He put down his spoon and stared at his hands, turning them over slowly as if he was expecting to see spots appearing. He didn't say anything for a few moments, and it seemed that he might be thinking of the right way of putting it. When he did finally say something, he said: "Damn, Kwanghee's wife sure is pretty..."

Siwan and Kevin exchanged confused looks. Dongjun went on eating. Slowly, Siwan and Kevin started to eat again, but they remained silent, waiting until Dongjun told them more.

Dongjun sighed. "After the last assignment - I can't really tell you about it, sorry - they said I wasn't coping well, so they prescribed me these things. For my nerves, they said. I was a little jumpy." He looked between them quickly. "Don't tell anyone about it? I mean, I've been even keeping it from the other cadets. It's a not a good look if you're struggling with the work. I don't mean to look weak." He looked back at his hands again. "I guess it's working, and I've been sleeping better... but I don't feel like _myself._ "

"It could be worse," Siwan said.

Dongjun nodded. "I know. I'll deal with it somehow."

Later on, Kevin made up a place for Dongjun to sleep downstairs. When Dongjun lay down, Kevin sat beside him. For some reason he felt that he didn't want to leave Dongjun's side, after all Dongjun was their youngest friend, and Kevin felt the responsibility of looking out for him. Whatever had happened to him in Special Unit, it had left him seeming more vulnerable than usual.

Dongjun didn't mind that Kevin stayed. "Since I've been away I've become fond of Hyungsik," he said, smiling a little childishly. "I didn't get along too well with him before, I thought he was such a sheltered son of a rich family. But there's something good about him, isn't there? Something innocent and pure, stupid even. Since I went away I realised that there are so many bad people in the world, and I felt myself missing him."

"Is it good to see him again?"

"Yeah. I hope this marriage business works out for him." Dongjun closed his eyes, but he kept talking. "I mean it's good to see all of you again. You're all good people. You and Siwan, like Mum and Dad. Heecheol's like a big brother, Hyungsik like a baby brother." He yawned. "Kwanghee is the weird uncle..."

Kevin laughed and patted Dongjun's head. He would fall asleep soon. Kevin was grateful to have him here, in their house, where he was safe and close by.

* * *

A few nights later the group was recollected at Kwanghee's house. Kwanghee was fond of having people at his place, even though it was probably too small to fit all the people he invited. On this particular night he had invited his friend Ha Minwoo (who's relation to Kwanghee Kevin was still unsure of) and he had brought a guitar to play.

"You better be quiet," Yewon warned them. "The neighbours are already planning to put in a complaint about us."

"I'll play quietly," Minwoo promised.

Yewon smiled at him. "I know, you're fine. I was more worried about this one." She hit Kwanghee lightly on the back of the head. "Keep your voice down."

Kwanghee put a finger on his lips. "I wasn't planning to sing at all."

"How very considerate of you."

Siwan only stayed for an hour. He tapped Kevin gently on the shoulder. "I have to go out and meet some of the bosses." Kevin nodded without saying anything. He went over to say goodbye to Kwanghee, then spoke briefly to Hyungsik and Dongjun who were sitting together in a corner. Kevin did not pay much attention, he was too busy enjoying the guitar performance from Minwoo.

He vaguely remembered what Siwan had said about musical life not being suitable for bureaucrats. _Just as well he's gone,_ he thought as he curled his legs up on the couch. He was pleasantly squashed on the couch, between Kwanghee and a girl named Juyeon, who had long hair and laughed a lot.

He couldn't believe how much he had missed hearing live music. He remembered the club he had been to with Kwanghee, New Years Eve a few years back, and he wondered if he could find it again.

Minwoo finished his song and looked up. "Any requests?"

"Sing us a song about how much you love the fatherland," Kwanghee said, laughing.

"But not too loudly," Yewon added.

Minwoo chuckled and began playing a few chords. He began singing an old folk song, but stopped after the first verse. He kept strumming the guitar. "I've forgotten the words," he said bashfully.

Kevin prompted him with the next verse. Minwoo shook his head, and detached himself from the guitar. He passed it over to Kevin. "You play it if you know it."

Kevin was a little flustered, but delighted all the same. Kwanghee moved off the couch to give him more room, and Kevin fumbled with the guitar to get a feel for it. It had been a long time since he had played one. After some experimentation he remembered the chords and he began singing the next verse of the song, as quietly as possible, so not to upset Yewon.

The room became very quiet as he played. He did not think too much about it; he was enjoying playing too much. As soon as he finished, Kwanghee asked:

"How did you know that?"

"My mother sang it to me when I was a child," Kevin said, a little shyly.

"It's lovely," Juyeon said, looking very sincere. "It's such an old song though, the lyrics sound funny nowadays."

"But more to the point," Kwanghee said, "I had no idea you could play guitar. Or that you could sing."

Kevin passed the guitar back to Minwoo. "It's been a long time."

Minwoo went back to playing a variety of tunes. He played softly so people started talking again. Kwanghee came back next to Kevin. He whispered to him: "Don't you think Hyungsik and Dongjun are acting funny?"

"Huh?" Kevin had totally forgotten that they were even there. He looked over to the corner where Hyungsik and Dongjun were sitting, talking quietly to each other.

"They look like they're plotting something," Kwanghee said.

Kevin remembered what Dongjun had told him the other night, that he had started to see Hyungsik in a new light, and that their relationship was improved. But it did in fact look as though they were plotting something.

"I'm sure it's nothing bad," Kevin said.

"Of course, probably not."

"Why didn't Heecheol come tonight? Did you purposely not invite him?"

Kwanghee smiled sarcastically. "No, I'm not that jealous. He said he had to go to a dinner with his wife. I'm guessing she likes him more these days."

Kevin nodded.

"Siwan left early," Kwanghee added. "He said he had to do some work thing. I said it seemed a bit late for that, but he insisted that he had to go to some dinner. Does he often go to these things?"

"Why? Do you think he's gone off to meet his mystery lover?"

Kwanghee shrugged. "I wouldn't say that without knowing. Have you tried asking him about it?"

Kevin remembered how he had tried to smell Siwan in bed, but he had done no more investigations since then. "I can't just bring it up with him, can I?"

"Of course you can. Being a married couple is all about honesty. You should be able to comfortably ask him these questions."

Kevin shook his head. "I can't be open like that. You don't understand... it's awkward between us."

Kwanghee hit his knee. "It's only awkward because you make it awkward. You're hopeless."

Kevin rubbed his knee sulkily, but he knew that Kwanghee was probably right.

"How did you come to know Minwoo?" he asked.

Kwanghee shrugged. "I met him somewhere. He's a friend of Junyoung."

Yewon and Juyeon were watching Minwoo play fondly. It seemed as though Yewon was no longer bothered about the extra noise.

"It's nice that you know musicians," Kevin added.

"Isn't it? Although apparently Siwan is a musician. He used to play classical, did you know? You should ask him to play for you if you like it. Or maybe you should get an instrument for yourself. If you have musical talent you should make the most of it."

"Siwan said a musical life didn't suit us."

Kwanghee chuckled. "He probably didn't mean it."

When Kevin arrived home, Siwan was not there. He prepared for bed slowly, hoping that Siwan might come soon, vainly hoping that they might be able to have the sort of conversation Kwanghee had suggested. He went to bed alone and fell asleep before Siwan came back.


	18. Chapter 18

Kevin thought about Siwan while he was at work. His imaginings of Siwan's secret life had now taken on an existence of their own, and it was becoming less and less likely that he would talk to Siwan about it. They did not see each other enough, and when they were together Kevin was too overcome with shyness. He knew that the more he put it off the harder it would be, and yet he still could not bring himself to ask.

What would he say in any case? "Are you having an affair?" Kevin couldn't possibly bear the embarrassment of asking such a thing.

He wished that his work was just a little more stressful, a little more demanding, and then he wouldn't have to fall into thinking about these things. He had stopped writing and he was staring blankly at the wall.

Sera threw a pen at his head. "Look alive," she said jokingly. "You don't want to turn into Kyungjin."

Kevin turned and looked cautiously over at Kyungjin's desk. Kyungjin was sleeping with his head on the desk and his mouth open. It was something of a grotesque sight. He turned back to his desk quickly.

"Thanks," he said to Sera, and continued working.

* * *

That night as he was on his way home, Kevin saw the department boss Lee Tae-il in the corridor. He had his back to Kevin and he appeared to be talking with someone in another room, or perhaps on a phone.

"It's no good," he said, "they won't listen. The department will be disbanded, regardless. The committee doesn't want to hear anything from us, or from any of the foreign leaders. They'll do things their own way and we have no way of stopping them."

For some reason Kevin sensed that this was a conversation he should not be hearing. He stepped back into the dark office, and waited for Lee Tae-il to leave.

On his way home he thought a little about what it might mean. It was hard to tell who he had been speaking to, but he had been complaining about the committee. It was unusual to hear someone make such direct complaints about the committee, even though everything they did came from orders from them. If they were to complain about anyone, then it would have to be the committee! And yet, it was almost an unspoken rule that speaking bad about the committee was forbidden. But perhaps not for bosses like Lee Tae-il.

When he got home he didn't see Siwan. He avoided the problem for another day.

* * *

On the next Saturday Dongjun returned to his post in Special Unit. They all came to the train station to wait for the train with him and say some good byes. Hyungsik seemed especially morose.

Kevin gave Dongjun a hug, and Dongjun held his hand for a moment. "I'm really sorry if I caused trouble," he said seriously.

"You didn't cause any. You know you're welcome to stay with us whenever you want."

Dongjun laughed. "No, I didn't mean that."

The train came, so Kevin didn't have time to ask him what he did mean.

* * *

On Sunday Kevin went to Municipal Gardens to meet Hyungsik. He was feeling listless in the morning, so he came an hour earlier and planned to pass time while walking in the garden. By chance he met Kwanghee at the gate.

"Good morning, Kim Jiyeop," Kwanghee said cheerfully. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to meet Hyungsik," he replied.

"Oh, it's another one of your dates?"

"I guess you could say that. What are _you_ doing here?"

"It's Sunday morning, I was going for a walk." He laughed softly. "Actually I was on my way to the market, but since I found you I wouldn't mind going for a walk. Will Hyungsik be here soon?"

"Not for a little while."

"Good, let's go then."

They walked through the gate side by side. They followed the main path, past the main ceremonial lawns.

"I overheard Lee Tae-il the other night in the office," Kevin said. "I didn't mean to, he was talking in the corridor after everyone else had left."

"What did he say? Since you've brought it up you might as well tell me."

"I don't know. He was complaining about the committee, said something about the department being disbanded."

Kwanghee nodded. "That doesn't surprise me."

"Have you heard him complaining about the committee before?"

"No, I haven't, but I'm not surprised that he was. The committee really don't care about the Department of Foreign Affairs."

"Why not?"

Kwanghee sighed. "Don't ask me. You know the committee run the Bureau like a council of gods. They're caring less and less about the opinions of other countries."

Kevin gazed at Kwanghee admiringly. He was doing the forbidden act of criticising the committee. "I hope you don't talk like that at work," he said.

Kwanghee laughed. "True. They might have me sent to a labour camp."

Together they walked to the bridge and leaned over the edge.

"To tell the truth Kevin, I don't think it really matters much what the likes of us say. If the Bureau was this pond, then we would be the little flowers that are floating on top. We don't really affect anything." He dropped a stone into the pond and they watched the ripples pass through the still water. "Ever since Father died I've become a bit unhappy here."

Kevin looked at him with concern. It was unusual to see Kwanghee so pensive like this, and it always made him worried. Kwanghee's eyes were still focused on the pond and his lips were straight.

"You've been unhappy?"

"I mean, my father had worked hard for the country, and he believed in the revolution. He even put his faith in the Bureau, and he wanted me to come here. But I'm starting to wonder if his faith was misplaced."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know." He laughed. "If I keep talking maybe I really will be sent to a labour camp. When I was accepted into the Bureau all I ever really dreamed of was making lots of money. It's not particularly ambitious, I know, but I dreamed about moving my father out of that town, so we could live together somewhere nice. But there's no point in that anymore. All I can dream about is making a nicer memorial for him."

Kevin didn't know what to say to him. He cautiously put his hand on Kwanghee's shoulder.

Kwanghee didn't pull away. He looked up at Kevin and smiled.

"Do you know where we are, Kevin?"

"It's Jiyeop-"

"No, it's Kevin. You can't expect me to remember to call you by a new name, I'm told too old for that."

Kevin chuckled. "Okay, where are we?"

"We're on the bridge."

Kevin looked down. "Yes, of course we are. What do you mean?"

"You and Siwan had your wedding photo taken here. I saw it in your house."

"Oh right. Yeah, we did. Is that important?"

"Not really. Most couples get their photo taken on here for their wedding. I wasn't married in Baksan, so I didn't. They call it _Lovers Bridge_ and apparently it's superstitious. If a couple kisses on Lovers Bridge then it gives good luck to their relationship."

"Is that true?"

"It's probably about as true as that thing you told me on New Years Eve."

Kevin chuckled. "Oh, okay."

"We should kiss anyway though." 

As soon as Kevin realised what was happening, Kwanghee had pressed their lips together. He pushed him back.

"Are you crazy?"

"Don't worry, no one's watching."

"It's still... crazy." Kevin's head was spinning.

"I guess I am a bit." Kwanghee laughed and looked away.

Head still spinning, Kevin walked back down the bridge. "I have to meet with Hyungsik," he said. "I'll see you later."

He quickly made his way back to the gate of Municipal Gardens where Hyungsik was waiting.

"Sorry I'm late," he said when he arrived. He felt a little out of breath, but he had not been running.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine thank you. Should we walk?"

Hyungsik nodded. "If you like. But I have something to tell you and I think you won't like it."

Kevin, still feeling light headed and confused, took Hyungsik by the arm and reassured him that wouldn't be the case. "You can tell me, whatever it is."

"I've decided to go forward with the divorce."

Kevin put a hand on his head to stop it from spinning. "What... Hyungsik you need to think about this."

"I have. And I've decided it's worth going for the divorce."

"Please, let's sit down."

Hyungsik supported Kevin by the arm and they walked over to a bench. "Are you sure you're okay _hyung_?"

Kevin nodded, but he was unwilling to change the subject. "You do realise that if the divorce case backfires you could be dismissed from the Bureau?"

"I've considered that."

"And...?"

"And it's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Do you have any evidence to support you at the court? Evidence of mistreatment from Kibum?"

"I believe I do."

Kevin paused. "I still don't think you should do it."

Hyungsik pulled Kevin by the shoulders so that they were facing. " _Hyung_ you don't understand," he said. "If I have to go back to Kibum I'll kill myself. Even if I'm dismissed from the Bureau, then at least I'm free." His eyes fell to his lap. "You wouldn't understand, because you have Siwan. You're lucky..."

An odd sensation of guilt crept up Kevin's neck, and as he looked into Hyungsik's childlike face and he couldn't say anything. _I just want to protect you_ , he thought.

"Alright then," he said at last. "If you're really that desperate, we'll help you out."

Hyungsik sighed and hugged him. "Thank you, _hyung_..."


	19. Chapter 19

Kevin would usually spend at least four nights a week at the gym. He found that exercise was a good way to filter over all the troubling thoughts that he had been having. On this night he was thinking about Hyungsik.

He had come to the conclusion that there was no way to talk Hyungsik out of the divorce, so instead he decided to help him by reading up on the Bureau regulations. Hyungsik was very emotional, but in order to be successful in court he would need to remain rational and logical in his approach. Siwan, who was better educated in these legal matters had also offered to help. When Kevin had told him about Hyungsik's decision he had agreed to help immediately, without even questioning Hyungsik at all.

Kevin was still worried about the case; he couldn't shake his paranoia that something would go wrong, even after being assured by Siwan. But Siwan seemed confident that if they played their cards right Hyungsik could come out of it unscathed.

At some point while lifting at the bench press, Kevin had the odd feeling that he was being watched. It was quite late and the gym was almost empty, save for one or two people still in the weights room. Kevin sat up on the bench press and turned around to find someone standing right behind.

" _Aish_ , you almost gave me a heart attack!"

He laughed. "I'm sorry!" It was Kwanghee, dressed casually, but not looking as though he had come into the gym to work out.

"What are you doing here? In the whole time I've known you I don't think I've ever seen you in a gym before."

Kwanghee nodded. "Well I felt like coming today."

"To work out?"

"Maybe. Or maybe just to watch other people work out."

Kevin wiped the sweat off his chest a little self consciously. "How long were you watching me for?"

"Just a little while. What were you thinking about? You had a big frown on your face."

"It's none of your business."

Kevin reached for his towel again and Kwanghee came to sit right behind him, uncomfortably close and Kevin felt even more self conscious about his sweaty body. Kwanghee apparently didn't mind it though, he put his hand on Kevin's chest and squeezed it a bit.

Kevin could already feel his blood rushing. "Ah... what are you doing?"

"I came here because I wanted to see you. Siwan told me that you often come to this gym."

"Any reason you wanted to see me?"

"No. Well, not apart from the usual reasons. I've missed you lately." He trailed off for a second, as he pressed his forehead into the back of Kevin's neck. "You smell nice."

Kevin shivered. Kwanghee pressed his hand further down Kevin's stomach, but Kevin stopped him before he reached the hem of his pants. "You can't do that, not here."

"Do what?"

Kevin turned his head so they were facing. Kwanghee was sitting so close behind that their faces were not even an inch apart. Kevin couldn't help himself; he laughed and kissed Kwanghee on the lips. "Why have you gone back to being so fond of me lately?"

"Lately? I've never not been fond of you. I fell in love with someone else, but I never fell out of love with you." He took Kevin's hand and placed it over his heart. "My love for you is like a blood stain that can never be removed."

Kevin laughed. "Am I supposed to be flattered?"

Kwanghee's eyes became narrow. "No, just try to understand."

* * *

Kwanghee walked home with Kevin. He was insistent on staying close to his side, and Kevin couldn't complain, couldn't even pretend to be unhappy about it. He was thrilled to have Kwanghee back, almost like it was before, when Kwanghee was completely his.

Kevin let them into the apartment. Kwanghee looked around it. "Where's Siwannie?"

"Not home, like usual."

"That's a shame. I'd like to talk to him."

Kevin felt his euphoria quickly evaporate. "What do you mean?"

"I just don't get to see my friend very often these days."

"Hmm, you and me both."

"And maybe if he was here you could finally talk to him about those questions you had."

"Huh, no I don't think I could."

Kwanghee clicked his tongue. "I knew you were putting it off on purpose."

The room was still dark, only the small light in the kitchen area was on and everything felt heavy and silent. Kevin half expected to hear Siwan walking down the hall and opening the door at that moment. He hoped that he wouldn't.

In the dark he could see the silhouetted outline of Kwanghee's face, his bottom lip sticking out slightly giving him that sulky look that Kevin always found unbearably endearing. Overcome by a sudden urge, he put his hand to Kwanghee's cheek and brushed against the lip.

Kwanghee brushed him off immediately. He never liked it when people touched him, even though he was even more guilty of giving unwelcome touches to other people. Kevin didn't care if Kwanghee brushed him away, he felt that it was like a wall he was slowly breaking down and eventually he would be able to come inside. He brought his hand back to Kwanghee's face, but Kwanghee wriggled away from it.

"Sssh, let me touch you, please..." 

Kwanghee continued to avoid him, pressing his palm against Kevin's chest to keep him at a distance. Realising that he couldn't win, Kevin lifted his face slightly upward and waited for Kwanghee to kiss him. After what felt like a painfully long time, Kwanghee pressed their lips together.

"I used to kiss you all the time," Kevin said. "Everyday. In the library, behind the shelves, in the stairwell."

"And you've missed it?"

"I have. But I didn't realise how much until just then. I wish you didn't have to leave."

Kwanghee laughed - a distant, unhappy laugh. After a moment's pause, he kissed Kevin again. "What if I put you to bed? I can stay until you fall asleep, then you won't know when I leave."

They went upstairs to where Kevin slept, and he undressed slowly. Kwanghee watched him shamelessly, and when he was completely naked, Kwanghee pushed him down onto the mattress and kissed and fondled him. He wouldn't lie down himself; he sat upright and Kevin noticed that he wasn't quite intruding into Siwan's half of the bed. He must have been doing it on purpose. It would be hard to explain to Siwan if he came now, what Kwanghee was doing on their bed, with Kevin naked and Kwanghee's fingers wrapped around his erection.

"I won't go to sleep like this," he said.

"You will after I make you come. It's good for relaxation."

He made it sound so simple. Kevin gasped softly when Kwanghee started sucking at the tip of his penis, and he wondered if Kwanghee was hard too, underneath his trousers. Kevin fantasised about feeling it for himself, and taking him into his mouth like Kwanghee was doing now, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed. For some reason, imagining their roles reversed only intensified his pleasure. Kevin gasped suddenly as Kwanghee pulled his mouth off, leaving him disconnected and exposed to the cold air.

"It's no good," Kwanghee said. "I need to see your face." He quickly replaced it by his hand, and he pulled and stroked furiously. "Say my name when you come."

Kevin arched his back and threw back his head as he reached his climax. It felt simultaneously heart breaking and comforting to come into Kwanghee's loving and familiar hands, and he knew he would miss them the second they were gone. He repeated Kwanghee's name over and over under his breath, almost like it was a spell that he was casting. He shivered in pleasure.

Kwanghee eyes were locked onto Kevin's face. When he looked down he sighed in dismay. "My shirt... is covered in your mess. I hope it comes out."

Kevin laughed. "I'm sorry. I can lend you one of mine." He crawled over to his drawer and pulled out one of his gym shirts. It fit tightly on him, but it would be slightly loose on Kwanghee. It didn't matter, Kwanghee shouldn't go home wearing the incriminating evidence of their love making.

Kwanghee changed the shirts, then ushered Kevin back into the bed.

"Go to sleep," he said. "I'll wait until you fall asleep and then I'll leave."

Kevin didn't think he would be able to sleep, with the excitement of having Kwanghee by his side and the background fear of Siwan coming home, but as Kwanghee started stroking his hair he began to feel very sleepy and couldn't keep his eyes open.

He wondered if this was what it would be liked to be married to Kwanghee - falling asleep every night by his side and waking up every morning still with him, going to work with the comforting knowledge that when he got back home they would be together again. As sleep took over, his imaginings blurred with reality, and he no longer worried about Kwanghee leaving or Siwan coming back.

Kwanghee must have kept his promise. When Kevin woke up in the morning there was no trace of him, save for the shirt he had taken off and which Kevin had added to his own laundry. There was also no trace of Siwan. Kevin felt his side of the bed for any warmth, but he felt none. It might have been that Siwan had already left early, but Kevin was more inclined to think that Siwan had not come home at all. It wouldn't have been the first time.

* * *

"I think your husband just came," Sera told Kevin the next day at work. He had just returned from a meeting in one of the other offices. His heart beat uncomfortably at the thought that Siwan had been looking for him.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing much. He just said he had some laundry for you." She pointed to the desktop where Kevin's gym shirt was folded.

"Ah..." Kevin blushed slightly. So it was actually Kwanghee who had come. He picked up the shirt, which was folded badly, and folded it again properly. Kwanghee was always useless at housework.

"I wonder why he thought you needed an extra shirt. It was thoughtful, I suppose."

"It's my gym shirt, I go the gym after work," he told her, half wondering why he was still pretending that Kwanghee was his husband. "I must have forgotten it this morning."

* * *

That night Siwan came in looking tired and serious. He saw Kevin had food on the table, so he immediately dropped his bag on the floor and went over to eat. Kevin watched him curiously, checking for anything different or unusual in him. He couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

"What happened to you last night? I don't think you even came home."

Siwan nodded. "I'm sorry about that, I probably should have left you a note." He continued eating, giving no further explanation. Then after a minute, he said: "I've just been with Hyungsik. I've checked his evidence and I think he can win the case."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. He has concrete evidence of Kibum's adultery as well as evidence of his general disregard and abuse. I think it will be enough. There's only one thing..." He chewed slowly as he contemplated it.

"What's that?"

"It's just that... I get the feeling Hyungsik might not be able to go through with the case after all. Even though I told him he has all the evidence and he can win, he seemed to get cold feet, and he even asked me if there was another way around it."

"Another way around it?" Kevin frowned. This didn't sound right. Hyungsik had been so desperate for the divorce.

"Well, the interesting thing is that Hyungsik doesn't really hate Kibum. I realised this after talking it out with him."

"Doesn't hate him? But what about the abuse and the cheating?"

"Don't get me wrong - he certainly doesn't want to be married to him, but he doesn't entirely hate him either. If Hyungsik wins the case - which he probably will - then Kibum will be dismissed. That's a harsh fate to condemn him to."

Kevin nodded slowly. He watched Siwan eating as he thought it over. "What's your opinion on the matter? Do you think it's too harsh?"

"In my opinion... well, regardless of any opinion, Kibum has broken the rules. The Bureau arranges a pairing for a reason, so I'm sure he and Hyungsik are suitable, and Kibum has actively chosen to make trouble. He was given a partner and he chose to commit adultery - that is against the rules."

"Even though adultery is so common..."

"Huh?" Siwan stopped eating and looked at Kevin. "What makes you think that?"

"Ah, that's just what I was told. Is adultery not common in the Bureau?"

"I don't think so. Despite what people say, arranged marriages tend to be the most successful..."

Kevin nodded, and looked down at his bowl. It felt as if there were rocks in his stomach.


	20. Chapter 20

"Hyungsik's court date has been set," Kevin announced quietly. He was lying face up on a hard mattress in some hotel room, staring at the ceiling fan that was just above their heads. A wave of calm had passed through him, but his tension was rising again as he remembered the court case. He wanted to talk about it with Kwanghee because he knew that Kwanghee would make him feel better again.

Kwanghee was lying on his side, his hand resting on Kevin's belly. "Do you think he'll win?"

"Siwan thinks so."

"And you?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen the evidence, but I'm told that it exists. If it works, then it works, but I get a bad feeling about it."

Kwanghee poked his cheeks until he smiled. "Don't look so worried. What's the worst that could happen?"

"He'll be dismissed."

"And that's a terrible thing?"

Kevin looked at him in confusion. Of course it was, how could he say that? Kwanghee seemed to know what he was thinking, and he cupped his face and squeezed it in an attempt to cheer him up. "You know there is a whole world out there outside of the Bureau," he said. "It's not the end of the world if you leave. I don't get why Bureau people feel the need to look down on the civilians, most of the time they act like they are a better class of human... perhaps it would be for the best if more Bureau people had a touch of reality."

"But... I'm worried about Hyungsik."

He laughed, but Kevin didn't. "Don't worry so much. Hyungsik's only in the Bureau because his family put him there, and if he were to leave they'd put him somewhere else, somewhere just as cushy."

Kevin nodded and sighed. Kwanghee pressed him some more.

"Kevinnie, don't frown. You look stupid and ugly when you frown." He laughed softly, and Kevin couldn't help but smile a bit. "You're so handsome when you smile."

"It's rare to hear you call me handsome..."

"That's true, I tend to be objective about these things."

Kevin took his hand and tangled it up in his own. When Kwanghee was cruel it only made him seem even more precious to Kevin, who would just think of more ways he could try to please him.

Kevin watched Kwanghee's face in the blue-grey light. He looked dark, almost like a foreigner, and there was something poetically sad behind his eyes, that made Kevin think of a model posing for a film poster. Kevin sometimes told him that he thought he had the look of a model, but Kwanghee always thought that he was just teasing. "You shouldn't call me handsome if I'm not," he always said, since Kwanghee liked to be objective about these things, but Kevin couldn't understand how he could possibly be objective about someone he loved so much.

But now Kwanghee had just said that he was handsome when he smiled. He felt warmed with happiness, and smiled at Kwanghee lying by his side, his funny looking movie star.

"You're so beautiful, I love you," he said and pressed their foreheads together.

Kwanghee pushed him back. "Why do you always get so sentimental after we have sex?"

"It's been half an hour."

"Should I do it again?"

He chuckled. "No, not today."

They sometimes took turns changing positions during love making, but Kevin usually ended up being the one getting fucked. It was easier that way, since Kevin felt awkward the other way round, worrying that he was going to hurt Kwanghee, and besides, Kwanghee always preferred to have the most control.

There were times when Kevin felt that it was wrong; it was wrong to be enjoying this sort of sex, and wrong to be enjoying it with someone he wasn't married to (although he could not imagine doing anything like it with Siwan). It was sometimes hard to believe that he had fallen in love with someone so different from what he had first imagined to be his ideal partner. He had come to realise that it was something far beyond his control, and if only he had accepted that it was his fate to be in love with Kwanghee back when he had proposed to him that day int he garden, then none of this anxiety would have been necessary.

Kevin sometimes thought about Kwanghee's wife, with a mixture of regret and jealousy. He felt bad that he was taking something that was hers, but also felt as though it should never have been hers in the first place. When he met her these days she acted somewhat cold towards him, as if she knew about this. She probably did, by woman's intuition, or perhaps Kwanghee had even told her about it.

The room was slowly becoming dark and Kwanghee was stirring beside him, nuzzling his face into Kevin's neck.

"We should go," he said.

"Already?"

"It's been three hours already. We'll get kicked out."

He sat up and started putting his shirt back on. His hair was messy and sticking up on one side, so Kevin reached over to brush it back for him.

"Do you want to go see some band playing?" he asked.

Kevin's eyes widened. "Of course I do." He couldn't remember what he had originally planned for the evening, or if he had told Siwan when he would be home. "What band is it?"

"I don't know, one of Minwoo's bands. He made me promise to come and see them sometime. They're playing tonight downtown. You might as well come. You like music."

Kevin was excited and he couldn't help but smile when he did his buttons up. "You don't usually invite me out to places."

"Hmm, that's because you're dull. You're too straight and you don't make good conversation."

"Why do you even like me at all?" Kevin tried to sound hurt, but inside his heart swelled. They'd had this conversation before and he knew what Kwanghee would say.

"You're not someone I want to go out with, _you're someone I want to come home to._ "

He pressed Kevin's cheek with his palm and Kevin smiled again.

* * *

"Thanks for inviting me," Kevin said, somewhat childishly, as they walked downtown together. "I really miss seeing music shows."

"I know you do," Kwanghee said, and then added. "I don't mean all that about you not being worth going out with, by the way. I really want you to be there with me. Even if you don't say anything clever, just you being there feels nice."

When they got to the place, Kwanghee held Kevin back and told him to take off his jacket. "It looks awkward if you come in here wearing a Bureau jacket. It's too formal." It was late winter, and the air was still cold, but Kevin took the jacket off anyway. It would be warm inside and Kwanghee always knew best.

The night club was fairly big, but being so crowded, it felt small and tight. The lights were down low, which gave a sense of disorientation and confusion. Kevin still liked it though, and he let Kwanghee drag him by the hand towards the stage and musicians. They sat on cushions on the ground, in a group of people that Kevin slowly began to recognise as his eyes adjusted to the dark. Moon Junyoung was there, and his girlfriend Juyeon.

Minwoo was on the stage, playing guitar, with his head down and his longish hair hiding his face. He seemed to be concentrating hard on his playing, although it might have only been an impression; perhaps his eyes were closed and he was swept up in the music. A girl played on a keyboard, and sang into a microphone.

As the second song started, Kwanghee put his hand on Kevin's knee and Kevin held onto it. He had a sudden memory of their time as trainees, when they would secretly hold hands under the table of the library.

The song the girl sang was a romantic song, with mundane and common lyrics, yet to Kevin it suddenly sounded very profound. Kevin knew that if he ever heard that song again, it would remind him of this night and this moment.

They held hands like that for the rest of the performances. The band went on to perform some foreign songs. Kevin enjoyed all of the performances, even the ones he didn't understand. When the performance was over, Minwoo came down off the stage from the front, still wearing his guitar around his shoulder and he smiled when he saw Kevin.

"Hey, you came! How did you like it?"

"It was brilliant."

Since the music had stopped, Kwanghee was busy talking intently with Junyoung. At some point he had let go of Kevin's hand.

"Hey, why don't you come meet some people?" Minwoo asked. Kevin got up and followed him into the sweaty crowd. He was still holding his Bureau jacket, folded in his hands.

Minwoo introduced him to a group of young people, all about the same age as Minwoo. They were sitting at a table, drinking beer and talking loudly. Minwoo told Kevin to sit down, so he joined the table.

It took a few minutes for Kevin to figure out what they were talking about. He was too shy to ask directly, so he just listened quietly and eventually he worked out that they were discussing a student rally to be held in the spring. The exact date of it, he realised, was the day that the yearly war memorial ceremony was to be held, and if the rally was to be in the town centre, then they would be in the presence of Pyo Kyung and the Bureau's committee. This puzzled him, since such a rally could not possibly be allowed on this day, and anyone protesting would likely be arrested if the committee were present. He continued to listen to their chat, but he did not say anything.

Eventually one of the group asked him, "Will you come to the rally?"

Kevin was startled. "I'm not a student," he said.

"You don't have to be a student, anyone is welcome to come."

"You don't work for the Bureau do you?" another one asked, and the table laughed.

"Of course he doesn't," Minwoo said, putting his hand on Kevin's arm as if to hold him in place. "You wouldn't see me hanging out with any Bureau people."

"We really ought to have someone in the Bureau," someone said. "We could bring it down from the inside."

Someone else held up a glass. "Down with the Bureau!" This was met with a round of disgruntled whispers, so Minwoo, still holding Kevin's arm, repeated the gesture and said, "To the liberation!" and the table returned to its former cheer.

Kevin suddenly realised that he still had the Bureau jacket folded in his hands. No wonder Kwanghee had told him to take it off. He held it nervously, becoming more and more frightened as the conversation progressed. The lively students were clearly drunk, and drunk people can often turn their tempers quickly. And if they found out that he was in fact an employee of the place they were hoping to bring down, then they might call him a spy.

Fortunately, Minwoo sensed his unease. "Come on, we better see the others," he said and pulled Kevin up by the arm. As they pushed through the crowd, he said, "Don't worry about it, it's just a student rally." He smiled at Kevin, a little sarcastically. "Don't go around talking about it though."

Kevin felt relieved to join Kwanghee again. He was still sitting on the cushions with Junyoung and they were still talking, but Kwanghee welcomed Kevin back by holding his hand out for Kevin to take it again.

All the conversation had tired Kevin out, but he half listened to Kwanghee and Junyoung. They talked about how Junyoung's leave was almost up and he was about to be deployed again. Usually when Kevin saw Junyoung he was wearing his air force jacket, but like them, he was dressed casually this time. Without his uniform he seemed much less aloof and respectable, and he seemed to belong among the students and musicians. Kevin privately wondered what had made such a man choose the military, when his demeanor gave off the impression of someone who was gentle and quiet, not suited to fighting or war.

Kwanghee took Kevin home before it became too late, and said good night to him at the front of his apartment building. After they had parted, Kevin thought a bit more about the musicians and the students, and Kwanghee without his Bureau jacket looking more like one of the students, but not quite.

* * *

Siwan came in half an hour later, looking tired and distracted. They went to bed at the same time, but Kevin did not expect he would want to talk, so he rolled over quietly.

This time Siwan surprised him by asking a sudden question. "What did you do today?"

Kevin stalled a little at first; he was tempted not to tell the truth. But he decided there was no point in lying, so he said, "I went to a club to see Kwanghee's friend play in a band."

"Was it good?"

"It was alright."

Siwan didn't say anything else, so Kevin ventured a question. "How about you? What did you do today?"

Siwan sighed loudly. "I can't tell you, and you wouldn't be interested in it anyway."

"Are you still worried about Hyungsik's case?"

"No, I think it will be fine."

Together, they returned to an uncomfortable silence.


	21. Chapter 21

On the day of Hyungsik's divorce trial Kevin wrote his translations with even more boredom and restlessness than usual. It was impossible to concentrate when he couldn't stop thinking about what might be happening at the court.

As soon as lunch time came, Kevin went to the court as fast as possible. When he arrived, Siwan was there, standing outside the entrance. He had his hands in his pockets, and he was staring at the carpet. He was frowning as if contemplating some kind of impossible riddle.

"Where is he?" Kevin asked. Nobody else was around and already he could sense that something was not right.

"He's gone. You just missed him."

"So the trial is over already?"

Siwan nodded. "It's been done."

"And? Do you know what happened?" Kevin was expecting Siwan to know everything. He usually did.

Siwan nodded solemnly. "Hyungsik got his wish. The divorce was granted." He avoided eye contact. Kevin feared the worst.

"He was dismissed, wasn't he?"

"Yes, both he and Kibum were dismissed." He paused for a moment, then added, "the chief officer was angry, he said that they had made a mockery of the Bureau's protocols. Both of them."

Kevin was speechless. He took a few deep breaths. "But you said it was all okay, that he had the evidence and he would be fine. You said-"

"I know, but apparently there was some stuff I didn't know about." He started walking and then turned around quickly. "I'll be home on time tonight, I promise."

Kevin returned to work feeling as though the ground beneath him had been pulled away. He tried to get back into his task, but he was angry - angry at whom, he wasn't sure. He was angry at Kibum, angry at Hyungsik, and angry at Siwan, because Siwan had made him think that everything would be okay.

* * *

That night Siwan came home before 8pm, staying true to his promise. Kevin made dinner for them both, but he was still feeling the weight of his anger and confusion. He thought they should eat first though, then talk about it. He couldn't think straight if he was feeling hungry.

Half way through their meal, Siwan started talking. "It was his fault, Jiyeop. He had done giving all the evidence against Kibum, and they were about to give the verdict in his favour, but then they asked him if he had ever been unfaithful himself at any point during the marriage. And he said, yes..."

Kevin stayed quiet and he put down his spoon. He could imagine Hyungsik in the court, going over all this evidence that would get Kibum out of his life, and out of the Bureau, and feeling the pressure and the guilt building up inside of him. Of course he would tell the truth if they asked him. Hyungsik was like that.

"Hyungsik wouldn't lie in court."

"He lied to _me_. Or at least he never told me about the fact that he had committed adultery too. It would have changed everything. Of course you can't just go in there and accuse someone of doing the exact same thing you're doing and expect to get away with it! It was like he wanted to be dismissed."

Kevin almost said, _maybe he did_. He said, "so we blame Hyungsik."

"You can blame Dongjun too if you want."

"Dongjun?"

"It was Dongjun who helped Hyungsik get the evidence against Kibum. Without that evidence none of this would have gone ahead."

Kevin shook his head slowly in dismay. He remembered telling Dongjun that he should try to talk Hyungsik out of the divorce, but then he went and added petrol to the fire by helping Hyungsik with the evidence. He also remembered Dongjun's good bye words - "I hope I didn't cause too much trouble." Now Kevin finally understood what he meant.

Before he went to bed, Kevin tried calling Hyungsik on the phone. There was no pick up. Kevin let the phone ring until it disconnected. Maybe Hyungsik wasn't even at home anymore, they might have kicked him out already. He shivered as he put the phone back into the receiver. It was painful to imagine Hyungsik out there, in an unfamiliar world, and all alone.

When he came upstairs, Siwan was already lying down, on his back with his eyes still open. He watched Kevin getting undressed and his steady gaze made Kevin's skin feel prickly. Kevin was glad to turn off the light, and he lay beside Siwan, not touching and not looking.

Siwan was quiet and Kevin wasn't sure if he was asleep already. Apparently he wasn't, because he started to talk: "I'm annoyed that Hyungsik was dismissed, but I guess I'm not surprised. Something about him always made me think that he didn't really belong here, and that he wouldn't last long in the Bureau. I think he was the weakest out of all of us."

Kevin didn't reply. He lay as still as a corpse and breathed slowly, closed his eyes and hoped Siwan wouldn't say anything else. Hyungsik was the weakest one - he made it sound like a survival game. Maybe it was. He remembered how they had been on the eve of their final exam at the Academy, terrified that they might not get into the Bureau and that they might be separated from each other; because back then they were a precious family, a band of brothers. Now that Hyungsik was leaving the Bureau, their old fears seemed like something from another life. Why should they fear the group breaking up now, when it was already so fragmented?

Kevin was lying next to Siwan, the same Siwan who had been his precious friend at the Academy, whom he had admired and wanted to stay beside for the rest of his time at the Bureau - and yet he was also Siwan, his husband Siwan whom he did not see enough, did not trust and could not love properly. We're right beside each other, and yet we've become even further apart.

Kevin's heart was gripped by a profound sadness, and he mourned the loss of Hyungsik and the loss of their innocent friendship. Siwan tried to speak to him, "Jiyeop, are you okay?"

He could only say, "Let's not talk about Hyungsik anymore."

* * *

He saw Kwanghee the following Sunday, but only for an hour. They met outside the markets, and talked on the street. Kevin wanted to kiss and touch him, like he always did, but they were in public so it wasn't possible.

He repeated to Kwanghee what Siwan had told him about the trial, and about how Dongjun had helped. Kwanghee nodded, and frowned.

"I saw Dongjun the other day," he said. "Downtown. He never told me he was back in Baksan, did he tell you?"

"No, I didn't know."

"He's not on leave though. He's working with Special Unit. I saw him coming out of one of the bars, but he didn't see me, or at least I don't think he did. It scares me a little bit, him being here and working for Special Unit."

"But it's still Dongjun."

" _Secret agent_ Dongjun."

Kevin changed the topic. He didn't want to have to think about losing another friend to the abyss.

* * *

Kevin had received a letter from Hyungsik a day after the trial, full of apologies and reassurances.

_Hyung, don't be mad, and don't be worried about me. I know this seems like a big sacrifice, but I'm happy now because I am finally free._

Kevin was glad about receiving the letter, but he needed to see Hyungsik in person to really feel reassured. He went downtown to the place Hyungsik was now living.

Kevin found him looking cheerful, depsite having moved to one of the poorest areas in the city. His place was very small, no more than 5 _pyeong_ , but it was suitable enough for a single person.

"You see, I'm single now," he said, smiling.

Kevin still felt a little despairing. "What are you going to do now? Will your family help you?"

"I don't think so. Well, my brother came yesterday and I got scolded badly. I wouldn't be surprised if they wrote me out of the will completely. Father always said I'd amount to nothing, so I guess he can't be too surprised."

Hyungsik was speaking so flippantly that Kevin wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him. Kevin could not see the situation as anything other than dire.  
"So what are you going to do then?" 

Hyungsik shrugged. "I'll get a job. Like a normal person." He saw Kevin's pained expression, so he sighed and said some more. "I never really liked what I was doing at the Bureau. Sure, it wasn't all too hard, but it was probably something anyone could have done just as well, and I don't know if I was really meant to be there in the first place. All my life I haven't been much more than some dumb rich kid - I've never even learned to cook properly, I always had someone else do it for me - you, for example. I guess what happens now is that I am finally going to be free and independent of the privileges that put me up in the first place." 

Kevin nodded. "Okay. I'm just worried about you." 

Hyungsik chuckled awkwardly. "To tell the truth _hyung_ , I'm a bit worried too."

* * *

Kevin did his best to come visit Hyungsik regularly, to check that he was getting on well. On one occasion he accidentally met with Dongjun. Like Kwanghee had said, Dongjun had been lurking around the downtown area, and Kevin bumped into him outside of Hyungsik's housing estate. He was dressed casually, and he seemed to fit in seamlessly with the the locals.

It can't have been a coincidence, he decided. Dongjun must have been to see Hyungsik. 

Dongjun greeted him warmly. "What are you doing down here, _hyung_?" There was no suspicion in his voice.

"I'm here to visit Hyungsik," he said.

"Ah, of course." Dongjun started to laugh, but then he stopped abruptly. "I'm sorry, _hyung_." 

"Sorry for what? The divorce case?"

"It was all my fault." 

"You helped him get the evidence?" 

Dongjun nodded. "When I came here last time, he seemed really desperate. I wanted to help. I know it wasn't really the right thing to do, but I'd learned a thing or two about getting evidence on people, spying on them, setting them up even, and I dunno, the opportunity just presented itself. I met Kibum. I didn't really dislike him or anything, he seemed okay, but Hyungsik was really... desperate to get out of there." 

Kevin sighed. "And I guess he's out now, so he got what he wanted." 

Dongjun nodded. "Absolutely. He seems happier now, doesn't he?" 

Kevin contemplated that. "So you've seen him a lot recently?" 

"A few times since he came here." 

"But, none of us even knew you were back in Baksan. You didn't want to see any of us?" 

Dongjun rubbed his shoulder, looking a little uneasy. "I'm not on leave right now, I'm on assignment. I shouldn't be talking to you, and I shouldn't have been talking to Hyungsik either... but I dunno, I felt guilty. I'd like to tell you about it _hyung_ , but I can't really." 

"Spying on people, are you?" Kevin said. He had meant to say it light-heartedly, but it sounded a little direct.

Dongjun shrugged. "That's the size of it. Sniffing out the anti-government rebels to be exact. There's this new collective, they call themselves _The Liberation Army_. But most people here are harmless. They're just poor, or on drugs, or both." He looked at Kevin, and his eyes widened, just slightly, as if he was asking Kevin for permission to speak. It seemed as though there was a lot sitting on Dongjun's shoulders right at that time. 

"I shouldn't be telling you this," he went on, and it was clear that he desperately wanted to tell him, "but the real rebels you need to worry about are the ones working inside the Bureau." 

"The ones 'bringing it down from the inside' you mean?" Kevin vaguely remembered the comment by the drunk student at the club. 

"Not quite. It's not about bringing down the Bureau - the Bureau can't be brought down exactly, it's a big institution - more like bringing down certain people in it. Whoever runs the Bureau, runs the country, remember? It's kinda like that. Anyway, I don't think it's anything you have to worry about." 

Kevin nodded. "I won't ask you anymore. You should take care of yourself. I don't get to see you enough... we get worried about you."

Dongjun laughed. "I'm worried about you too, _hyung_. Look after yourself and Siwan too." He was about to leave, but then he turned back and added. "Just some advice... it's not the best idea for a Bureau person be seen around this side of town. I mean, you guys stick out like a sore thumb, and it could give some bad impressions. Tell that to Kwanghee too." 

Kevin nodded and waved him off. Dongjun's last words left him feeling cold. He realised now that Dongjun had seen Kwanghee downtown without Kwanghee realising it. Or perhaps it was another time. Kwanghee often came downtown to meet with Ha Minwoo and Moon Junyoung. 

* * *

Hyungsik received Kevin cheerfully, although his cheerfulness may have come purely from seeing his guest. Kevin didn't imagine that Hyungsik could really be that happy in that small and dirty room. He had brought some food, as a consolation.

"How is Siwan?" Hyungsik asked. 

"Same as always, don't worry about him. How are you?" 

"Good." He sounded optimistic. "The grocer hired me to pack crates." 

Kevin nodded. "That's good, I suppose." 

While they were eating, another thought struck Kevin. "Did Dongjun come see you today? What did he say to you?" 

Hyungsik's face seemed to go stiff, and he stopped eating. "It was nothing much. Just wanted to see how I was, same as you." He gave Kevin a cautious look. "Don't be mad at him, _hyung_."

"Mad at him? Why would I be mad at him?"

Hyungsik shrugged. "He helped me with the case. He had the best intentions, and he didn't want to get me in trouble. I got myself in trouble."

"Because you told the court that you had also committed adultery?" 

Hyungsik nodded. "I got nervous when they asked me. I could have said no, and gotten away with it, probably, but I was too scared to lie."

"It's okay," Kevin told him gently. "I understand."

Since Hyungsik had brought it up, Kevin realised that there was an obvious question hanging in the air. If Hyungsik had been unfaithful to Kibum, when had that happened, where, and who with? They continued eating and Kevin decided not to ask. After all, it was probably something he had no right to know.


	22. Chapter 22

The days soon became hot and sticky. An oppressive heat pressed down over the street as Kevin walked to work, and he was greeted by an even more oppressive silence when he entered the office.

It seemed that Kevin was the only one there. This wasn't unusual; he was often the first one to arrive, but on this day he felt there was something almost post apocalyptic about the atmosphere. He reasoned that it may just be the heat.

When Sera and Kyungjin came in later, his fears seemed to materialise. Sera looked pale, and her mouth was in a line. As soon as she sat down, Kevin leaned in to whisper to her.

"What's going on?"

She looked over her shoulder briefly, as if checking for spies, then whispered back: "It's Mr Lee. He put his resignation letter in last night."

"So he's resigned? How come?"

"I don't know. But I have a bad feeling about it. This isn't good news for the department - people have been saying that they may cut us back soon, and without Mr Lee, ah, I fear it might be true."

Kyungjin came back into the office, so they couldn't talk anymore. Kevin watched him curiously, since he was standing in the middle of the office, somewhat awkwardly, as if he was planning to say something.

He cleared his throat. "Ah, sorry to say it to you guys... the director of the department, our boss, Lee Tae-il has resigned. They're sending someone else tomorrow to take his place. I'm not really sure to tell you guys what to do now..."

"It's alright, Mr Bae," Sera told him. "We'll keep up with the same project. Surely we have to keep doing the same work, a new boss won't change that much."

"Ah, who knows..." Kyungjin mumbled, a little despairingly. He went back to his desk and put his head in his hands.

A little while later, Sera whispered to Kevin: "Mr Bae's worried that the new boss might have him dismissed. Mr Lee was always fond of him, and kept him around even when he shouldn't have. The new boss probably won't be."

Kevin nodded. In all truth he had often looked down on Kyungjin for being so jumbled and lazy, but even now he was feeling a little worried for the guy. Worried for himself perhaps too.

* * *

Kevin was eager to see Kwanghee as soon as possible, since he felt that Kwanghee would be able to explain the situation better than anyone. He was higher up in the department and he often worked with Mr Lee directly.

That evening, Kevin ventured over to his office, hoping to catch him on his way home. He saw him at the other end of the corridor, and ran to catch up with him.

Kwanghee greeted him, but he looked troubled.

"I want to talk to you," Kevin said.

"Ah, I'm in a hurry, I have to go downtown."

"Downtown? What for?" Kevin nervously remembered how Dongjun had warned them away from going downtown.

Kwanghee started walking, quite fast, and Kevin tried to keep up with him. "It's Juyeon, do you know her? She called me just then. She said something had come up and she wanted to see me."

"Juyeon, is that Junyoung's girlfriend?"

Kwanghee nodded. "I think this is about him."

Kwanghee did not seem to mind that Kevin was following him, so Kevin continued to do so. He still wanted to ask Kwanghee about Lee Tae-il.

"Mr Lee resigned, did you hear about it?"

"Of course I did," Kwanghee replied. "To tell the truth, I'm not that surprised. I could see it coming from a month ago, at least."

"So you knew that he wanted to leave?"

Kwanghee scoffed. "He didn't want to leave. This is the doings of the higher ups. If you ask me, Mr Lee was pushed before he jumped, so to speak."

"You mean by the committee?"

Kwanghee sighed. "The committee, I don't know. There was a rumour that Mr Lee was guilty of some acts of treason. You didn't hear that from me, though. And I don't believe a word of it, anyway. He was causing some trouble with members of the committee, and they wanted him out of the way, and that's all there is to it. It's very easy for them to make people put in a resignation letter, it happens all the time. One day someone in the Bureau puts in a resignation letter, and then we never hear from that person again."

Kevin shivered. He wondered if Mr Lee had been removed in more ways than one.

As they came closer to downtown, Kevin became reluctant to keep following. "It's not a good look coming downtown," he said. "For the likes of us."

"I come here all the time," Kwanghee replied flippantly. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"Maybe."

"Go home then."

Kevin didn't move. Kwanghee kept walking, and Kevin reluctantly followed him. When Kwanghee arrived at the next street light, he stopped and waited for Kevin to catch up. When they were face to face, he took a long look at Kevin and brushed his cheek.

"Really, Kevin. Go home. You don't need to follow me."

"I'm just a bit worried... after what happened with Mr Lee."

"This has nothing to do with that. I'll be fine, I just have to talk to Juyeon. Go home and kiss Siwan good night for me. I'll meet with you on Sunday."

Kevin still stood there, unmoving, and so Kwanghee swooped in and gave him a little push.

"Good night. I love you."

* * *

When Kevin saw Kwanghee the next Sunday, something had changed. Kevin knew it from the first moment he saw him - the tired, slightly absent look in his eyes - that his week had not gone well. He tried to be delicate and caring, knowing that Kwanghee would tell him everything as soon as he had the chance.

When they were alone - in their small, dusty room in the old hotel - Kwanghee began to talk.

Kevin cautiously took a seat on the bed. He would wait until Kwanghee wanted to join him.

"According to Juyeon, Junyoung's gone missing."

"Missing?"

"Juyeon said he was supposed to go back to his post, but his officers haven't seen him since he left. And Juyeon certainly hasn't seen him. She said they came around and did a check, asked her questions."

"Do you think he's runaway?"

"Run...away? He didn't tell me anything about running away. Unless he was in trouble, then perhaps..."

"Pushed before he jumped?"

"Pushed before he jumped." Kwanghee frowned. "I don't like the sound of that."

Kevin paused. "Was Junyoung a rebel?"

Kwanghee swung around suddenly. "A rebel? What on earth are you talking about?"

"The Liberation Army. Did he know those people?"

"The Liberation Army." Kwanghee repeated the words slowly. "Do you even know what you're talking about?" His eyes were narrowed and Kevin felt suddenly frightened.

"No," he replied, since that was true. "I guess I don't."

* * *

The following week the stand in director of the Department of Foreign affairs made a visit to their office. He made very little ceremony; a quick bow and then began to speak.

"We have come to a decision that this office is no longer of any use to the Bureau. We will henceforth be disbanding this group, but there a number of positions available which you may be able to fill in other areas of the department. For instance, we will be requiring a new interpreter to work directly with the Committee. I will be conducting interviews this afternoon to determine a suitable candidate."

Sera straightened her back and took a deep breath. When the new director left the office, she did not make any comment or make eye contact with Kevin. Only one of them could take the promotion, and she had every right to think that it should be her. Kevin felt a little sick - he had no idea what position he might be able to fill now that this job had been made redundant.

In the afternoon he met with the new director for an interview. Kevin explained all his qualifications, teetering on the verge of rambling, and the director looked at him with half open eyes, not saying anything. At last, after some thought, he said, "I think there may be some use for you in the Department of Communications."

"I've worked there before, in the media divisions."

"Very good. I think there may be a place for you there still."

Kevin nodded, and bowed his head. He was grateful that he was not getting fired, but returning to the Department of Comms was by all means a demotion.

* * *

_A demotion doesn't matter too much,_ he thought sadly as he walked home. He could be in a worse position, and with Siwan's good standing they would be in no financial difficulty. Yet his pride was injured.

Siwan was home at dinner time, so Kevin explained the situation to him. Siwan blushed a little at Kevin's story.

"Why do you look embarrassed?" Kevin asked. "Have I embarrassed you?"

"No, not at all," Siwan said. He paused to sigh deeply. "I was actually about to tell you that I've been given a promotion, but now the celebration is a little bittersweet."

"A promotion? That's good news. Don't worry about me."

"The Department of Comms is not a dead end in any case. You will be able to move upwards from there."

After dinner, he continued to tell Kevin about his new role. "I'm going to be working directly with the Committee," he said. "I'll be secretary to Kang Jinho."

"Does that mean I'll be seeing you even less?"

"Does that even matter?" The words came out of Siwan's mouth sounding bitter and harsh. Kevin was startled. Siwan suddenly blushed, having seen Kevin's reaction, and he added, "I'm sorry, that didn't come out right. I'm a bit tired."

When Kevin joined Siwan in bed later, he was still, but not sleeping. As soon as he had turned off the lamp, Siwan said: "Will you be ready for the President's ball this weekend?"

"Of course, why?"

"The Committee will be there. You will be able to meet them."

"Ah, right." Kevin was apprehensive about meeting the god-like Committee members, but to Siwan this was clearly an advantage. "Are you looking forward to it?" he asked.

"I don't know... I suppose. Dress up well. You should get a haircut."

Kevin smiled. "Alright then."


	23. Chapter 23

Despite being despondent about his demotion, Kevin tried to look forward to the President's Ball. He had his hair cut, like Siwan had asked and he brushed off his formal uniform. Everyone at the ball would be wearing some variation of the same outfit, but Kevin needed to be sure that his was not looking shabby.

They arrived at the ball walking arm in arm. Siwan looked handsome. The formal uniform seemed to suit him better and Kevin thought he looked almost royal.

Shortly after arriving, Kevin saw Sera standing alone. He bowed to her when he saw her.

"Congratulations on your promotion," he told her, and she laughed self consciously.

"You know they only chose me because I'd been there longer..."

"No, you're much better than me. I don't mind going back to the Department of Comms."

Sera moved in closer. "Is that your partner over there?" she whispered.

She was referring to Siwan, who had let go of Kevin's arm and was wandering somewhere else. 

"Yes, that's him."

"He's not the man that I saw come into your office that time. I must have been mistaken."

Kevin laughed awkwardly. "That's alright..."

Before long they were separated and Kevin was forced to look elsewhere for someone to talk to. He was shy and disliked small chat, so he was relieved whenever he saw someone he knew.

He found Heecheol, standing alone in the crowd and looking lost. When he came closer, he saw that Heecheol was looking more pale and weary than usual, and he didn't smile when Kevin spoke to him. That was typical of Heecheol - if he was in a bad mood, he wouldn't hide it.

"What's the matter, Heecheol?"

"I'm a little spooked. I'm still shocked about what happened to Hyungsik."

"Ah, I know... that was unfortunate."

"And Dongjun too."

"Dongjun? What happened to Dongjun?"

Heecheol shrugged. "I don't know. It's like he's not himself anymore. When he visited us last time, Hyemi was a little upset. She was almost scared of him... and back then we were the closest to him out of everyone, and now it's like we don't know him anymore."

Kevin nodded. "It's strange times."

"Anyway, I wish I could tell you this on a better note, but I'm trying to get us transferred out of Baksan. I want to go back near the coast, back to where my people are."

Kevin was momentarily taken aback. "You're leaving?"

Heecheol took a deep breath. "Like I said, I wish I could say this on a better note. We're having a baby. It wasn't planned, and it's earlier than we would have liked, but I think we should give it every chance."

"So you want to go somewhere close to your family?"

"Yes, and well, I don't like it here. Don't you think this city is cursed?" His eyes became wide. "I don't know what it is, but I think we should leave and Hyemi agrees."

Heecheol's frightened expression was disturbing to Kevin, so he tried to cheer the mood by clapping Heecheol on the back. "Congratulations. I think it's good news."

Heecheol forced a smile. "Thanks _hyung_."

Heecheol soon vanished into the crowd and he was replaced by Siwan. Siwan took hold of Kevin's arm before Kevin even realised that it was him; the blur of Bureau formal-wear was so hard to distinguish. "You should meet my boss," he said.

Kevin dumbly allowed Siwan to take him over to the table where the Committee were seated, although most of them were now standing in small clusters. The man that Siwan wanted to speak to was standing with his back to them. As soon as he turned around, Siwan bowed deeply and Kevin followed suit.

When he looked up he saw that it was a Committee member he recognised from having seen him at a few formal events in the past. He was wavy haired and thin, with a face that was at once friendly and unusual.

"Ah, Im Siwan!"

"Good evening, sir. This is my partner, Kim Jiyeop. He's in the Department of Communications."

Kang Jinho seemed to look at Kevin very carefully, and Kevin couldn't imagine what he could possibly be checking for. At last he said, "That's very good. I suppose I'll get to know you better in the future."

After that Kevin was excused from the conversation; Kang Jinho wished to speak to Siwan on confidential matters, and Kevin was left to wander again.

This time he found Kwanghee. Kwanghee was on the balcony, looking over the river with a pensive and troubled expression that Kevin had now come to dread. He came to stand beside him.

"You look like a prince tonight."

Kwanghee laughed. "I do look like a prince tonight! I am very pretentious, aren't I?"

"What do you mean?"

"Pretentious - I'm always pretending to be something better than I am. I'm not a prince, I'm the son of a factory worker, so why do I act like a prince?"

Kevin looked at him softly. "I just think you look nice tonight."

"I don't feel it though. What a boring party! Everyone looks the same, and everyone is making the same conversation."

"Did you hear about Heecheol?"

"I did. I don't know how to feel about it, a little Heecheol running around? He will make attractive children, at least."

"Will you ever have children?"

"Me? I don't have any good genes to pass on, so perhaps not. Besides, my home is too broken now, I don't think we could make a child."

He took Kevin by the arm and they rejoined the party. They were holding each other in the same way that Kevin had held Siwan when they first arrived. He no longer knew where Siwan was.

Some time later, Heecheol came to speak with them. He still had that moody, dark air to him. He pulled Kevin away by the arm.

"I think you should take Siwan home," he said with absolute seriousness.

"What's the matter? Is he alright?" A bolt of panic flashed through Kevin's mind. He had left Siwan with that Committee member and had not seen him since.

"He's drunk."

Kevin frowned. "Drunk? Siwan is never drunk, he has an iron stomach."

"I don't know about that, but he's not well. Take him home."

Kevin nodded. If Siwan was drunk, as Heecheol said, then leaving him with the Committee was a bad idea. He would hate it if he was seen to behave disorderly in front of them, it might even hurt his new position.

When Kevin found Siwan, he did not seem disorderly. He was sitting by himself at an empty table, staring at the floor. There was a haze behind his eyes that suggested intoxication. Kevin gently tugged at his shoulder.

"Should we go home?"

Siwan did not say anything, but he slowly came to his feet and allowed Kevin to guide him through the crowd.

* * *

They walked slowly, arm in arm, the whole way home without stopping. Siwan didn't say anything, it was almost as if he was incapable of speech. Or, he had become so serious that the very seriousness of his thoughts was too heavy to express.

"You're not very talkative," Kevin said as they came into the apartment.

Siwan swayed slightly. "No, I'm not."

"Do you need anything to eat?"

"No, let's go to bed."

Kevin helped him up the stairs. Siwan fell down on the bed, pulling Kevin with him. Realising that Siwan was in fact more drunk than he seemed, Kevin began to help him take off his clothes. He pulled off Siwan's jacket, and as he was about to unbutton his shirt Siwan pushed him away violently. Kevin was stunned by the sudden assault.

Siwan rubbed his eyes. "I am humiliating myself," he said. He kept his hand held over his face, as if he was trying to keep his head from falling apart. When he took his hand away, his expression was sad. "Why have you humiliated me so much? My two best friends... put me through so much humiliation..."

Kevin, still stunned, remained in his place. Siwan continued. "I've been alone for so long and I thought I could take it, but I can't. It's not because I love you. I hate you!" With that declaration, his voice started to regain its strength. "I hate you so much, some nights I couldn't come home because I couldn't bear to look at you! I can't stand that look you have - that look of disappointment and regret you have every time you look at me, and you remember that I could have been someone else and you could have been happy. But it was never my fault. Why should I have to carry the burden of your mistake?"

"Siwan..." Kevin tried to say something, but he was completely dumbfounded.

Siwan lay on his back, with his eyes open, clothes still on. "I'm mad at him too. Why does he cause so much destruction and chaos wherever he goes? And I was his best friend..."

Kevin could not speak, so he waited for Siwan to finish.

"...and I was always so loyal, I didn't deserve this kind of betrayal..."

Siwan's words became more disjointed and vague, and at last it seemed that he was on the edge of falling asleep. When he finally became silent, Kevin cautiously felt his forehead, which was hot and flushed. He brought a wet cloth to cool down his face, and continued to take off more of his clothes.

Siwan slept deeply, but Kevin could not. He was reeling from the shock of having been stabbed by such a confession, and the realisation that he had caused Siwan so much pain was painful for him too. In truth, he was not surprised that Siwan knew about his affair, but he was surprised that Siwan was so injured by it. All this time Kevin had suspected him of doing the same, but that had really been a justification for his actions, a way to relieve his guilt. When he thought about all the unhappiness he had caused Siwan, he felt sick inside.

He lay down beside Siwan, and realised that they were now both closer and further apart than they had ever been before. Closer, because now Siwan had shared with Kevin a piece of his heart, and the revelation had made Kevin realise that his love for Siwan ran deeper than he had originally thought. The pain that Siwan felt, regardless of who had caused it, was something that they must both share. However, the fight would drive them further apart, and Kevin wondered if Siwan would ever be able to trust him again.

In the morning, he got up before Siwan did and made breakfast for him. Siwan came down stairs looking somewhat confused by the sight of Kevin in the kitchen.

"I made you hangover soup," he said.

Siwan pushed back his hair, which was looking frazzled. He looked as though he was trying to remember something.

"You'll feel better if you eat," Kevin told him and he sat down.

They ate together, quietly. Siwan spoke after a while.

"Kang Jinho made me drink with him," he said. "But I think I did all of the drinking. He wanted to test me, I suppose. Perhaps he wanted to see my true colours."

"Did he see them, then? Your true colours?"

"Well, you know me. I drink very well, and I didn't say anything stupid." After a few moments, he added, "I only humiliated myself in front of you."

"You didn't," Kevin said gravely. "You didn't humiliate yourself, it was I who was humiliated. I'm sorry, I had no idea..."

Siwan made an unimpressed noise, a sort of grunt, and continued eating. After a while, he said: "Thanks for making me breakfast."

* * *

It was mid August and Kevin knew the significance of the date. He and Siwan had now been married for two years.

After the night of the ball, Kevin made the decision that he could no longer see Kwanghee, at least not in their usual way. He had originally thought that love was the highest law, but now he could see the immorality of his actions. He had not said anything to Kwanghee about it, but he would explain if he were asked.

The following Sunday he asked Siwan if he would come to a concert with him. He knew that it was risky, since Siwan was as cold as ever towards him, and he knew that Siwan did not embrace the musical life as much as he did. But to his relief, Siwan agreed.

The concert was held in the town hall, the sort of place where many Bureau people would be found. A pianist played Brahms' concertos, and Siwan listened to it with absolute concentration, propping up his head with an elbow on the seat of his chair. Kevin's eyes continuously flitted back and forth between the pianist and Siwan.

"Did you like it?" he asked, at the end.

"It was alright," Siwan said, and then added, "I always like Brahms."

"Would your sister have played it better?"

Siwan laughed. "Probably."

On the way home it rained mercilessly. Kevin had brought an umbrella, and they stood beneath it together, since the rain was too heavy for them to walk. The air was thick and humid.

"It didn't rain on our wedding day," Siwan said. "Even though we were married in the rainy season. I remember that it was sunny. We must have been blessed."

The rain fell like sheets around them, and Siwan huddled up closer to his side to save his shoes from getting wet. To Kevin, the rain felt like a prison, trapping them together inside its walls.

When the rain eased up, they walked home together, under the umbrella, arm in arm.

* * *

That night Kevin received a phone call. The phone rang long after midnight, and he was already in bed, on the verge of falling asleep.

When the phone rang, he climbed out of bed in a blurry confusion, and stepped down the staircase quickly on tip toes. It was unusual to receive a phone call this late, but he knew who it might be.

"Hello?"

"Kevin..."

He took a deep breath and cradled the receiver in his hand. He looked over his shoulder in case Siwan had followed him.

"What is it?"

Kwanghee's breathing sounded ragged on the other end of the line, and Kevin started to worry. Something might be wrong.

"I want to see you."

"What for?"

"I just want to see you." He paused. "I haven't seen you for a while."

Kevin took a deep breath, and began speaking, slowly and clearly as possible. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore... It's that-"

"I know. I understand. But can you come just for tonight?"

"Why do you need to see me?"

"Why do I ever need to see you? I just want you here." After a second he added, "I'm alone right now. I'll stay here and wait for you, if you come. I'll wait all night." He paused again, and Kevin could hear his breathing. "But if you don't come, I'll understand. I'll let you choose."

"Who are you speaking to?"

Kevin turned suddenly to see that Siwan was awake and he had come down the stairs. He was thinking of how to answer when the line went blank, and Kwanghee's breathing was replaced by the sound of beeping. Kevin put the phone down.

"It was Kwanghee," he told Siwan, who sighed and nodded.

"What did he say?"

"He just asked me to see him." Kevin thought that it was best to tell the truth to Siwan, but he felt guilty all the same.

"So will you go?"

Kevin watched Siwan's face in the dark. His expression was blank.

"No," he said. "I won't go."

Siwan nodded. "Okay..." He went back to bed.

Kevin followed him shortly after. They lay together in the dark, closer than usual, so that Kevin could feel Siwan's uncomfortable warmth and steady breathing. When he heard Siwan breathe, he thought about Kwanghee breathing, lying alone somewhere and waiting for him. A horrible sense of dread came over Kevin, and in a way he knew - long before he actually knew - that he would never see Kwanghee again.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** this chapter contains implied dubious consent.

Kwanghee put in a resignation letter to the Bureau the next day and wasn't seen again. It was just as he had said himself, every now and then a person puts in their resignation letter and they are never heard of again.

A year later Kevin found himself outside the Bureau tribunal court, the same one where Hyungsik had his divorce trial. This time it was Yewon who was asking for a divorce. Yewon would be allowed a divorce on the grounds of abandonment, and she was going to stress that Kwanghee had been a badly behaved husband, and that it was likely he had run off with a lover. Siwan had encouraged her to say these things - he said it would help with the decision. Kevin was bitter, but he couldn't say anything. Siwan must know what he was doing.

Siwan had encouraged him to come, said that it would help close matters up, but he couldn't bring himself to stay. He walked straight past the entrance, and kept walking until he was back on the street, and on the street he headed towards Municipal Gardens. In the gardens, he waited by the bridge.

He had already lost Kwanghee, and today he felt as though he was losing him all over again. He knew he had no right to be mad at Yewon - he had already wronged her, and it was fair that she should want to break free from the bonds of being tied to a missing husband. She was still young and she would want to marry again. But moving on was out of the question for Kevin; he would never move on as long as he didn't know if Kwanghee was alive, or if Kwanghee was in danger. He remembered the almost frightened sound in his voice that night on the phone, and then his breathing, and the beep of the connection being cut. Those sounds would haunt Kevin forever.

Municipal Gardens haunted him too - the bridge, Lovers Bridge, and the trees that turned bright colours in autumn. Kwanghee was in every part of his mind.

Kevin didn't know how long he had waited in the garden when Siwan came to find him.

"Are you alright?" Siwan asked him.

"I'm fine. Did Yewon get the divorce?"

"She did. They gave it pretty easily, since Kwanghee had resigned before he left."

Kevin folded his arms across his gut. "That's good, I guess."

"It's for the best," Siwan said, then he sighed. He took a seat next to Kevin. "I know you're sad. I'm sad too."

"Will we ever see him again?"

"I don't know."

"Something must have happened to him. People don't just vanish like that."

They were silent for some time, and Kevin was waiting for Siwan to say something. He could tell from his troubled expression that there was something he wanted to tell. 

Siwan sighed, then he spoke, like a knife cutting the silence. "It was me that told Kwanghee to leave."

Kevin turned to face him, slowly. "Why?"

"Because it was the best outcome for everyone. I'm guessing you already know some of this, but he was caught up with a bad crowd of people. Bad, in the sense that he was very close to getting himself into grave danger."

"You mean he was friends with rebels?"

"More than just friends, I think. Ever since his father died he lost the will to work for the Bureau, so he set himself up to do the opposite."

"Bring them down from the inside?"

"Something like that. Anyway, he wasn't going to get away with it. It was only a matter of time before he got himself into trouble - that was inevitable - but I didn't think he should bring down other people with him. He was putting Yewon in danger, and he was dragging you into it too. I know you might not agree with me, and it was a hard decision to make, but I think I did the right thing."

Kevin nodded slowly. He still felt nauseated, perhaps even more so.

"So you just told him to leave."

Siwan paused, and he seemed to be thinking carefully about what he would say. "I suppose you think I was mad at him. I was. I had to cover up a lot for him, in the Bureau. I knew what he was doing and I had to make sure no one else did. It was dangerous, and stressful." He paused, and Kevin stayed silent. "And we also fought about you." After a second, he quickly added, "but please know that wasn't the reason I wanted him to leave."

Kevin nodded. "I understand."

"I loved him, well... I love him."

"I know."

"I'm sorry I don't know where he is, or if we will ever see him again. But I'll do everything I can to keep him safe. If Yewon tells the court that he was good for nothing and irresponsible, they'll care less about where he is and they won't see him as a threat anymore. I know it's hard to accept, but it's for the best."

Kevin found that he agreed with the logic, but he was still mad at Siwan. There was a part of him that didn't care what was right, or what was safe, and he wished that he answered Kwanghee's call that night and they could have disappeared together. Siwan said that Kwanghee disappearing would keep him safe, but in that moment he didn't want to be safe.

* * *

At work, Kevin was writing up media releases in the Department of Communications. He had finally been moved out of translations, and despite thinking that he wasn't cut out for anything else, he found his new job equally un-challenging. But beside from work, Kevin had other things to worry about. He needed to be home early that night, since Siwan had told him, only one night before, that his boss and their group would be coming over for dinner.

"I told him you cook well," Siwan said, a little apologetically. "It came out in conversation, and now he wants to see for himself. Don't worry about it too much - ah, actually, cook well. I think it will really impress them."

Kevin didn't mind the challenge - it was so rarely that he actually felt challenged - so he took up the task optimistically. He only wished that he had more time to prepare.

* * *

"The boss really liked your cooking," Siwan announced a few days later. "He talked about it the other day, and he said he'd like to try it again. The other guys in the office are really jealous."

Kevin couldn't help but feel a little triumphant. "Does this mean you'll get promoted faster?"

"Maybe."

"Then really it should be my promotion."

Siwan smiled. "Look at it this way: if I get promoted, then we can both move to a better house."

"That's true. If he comes over again, I'll make something special."

* * *

Kang Jinho came to their apartment again the next week. He brought another member of his staff with him, a plain looking man who was a few years older than Siwan. He looked around their small apartment (which Kevin had carefully cleaned) with an expression of disappointment.

"It's a small apartment," he said.

"It is quite small," Jinho agreed. "Really, Siwan, they should move you somewhere else."

Siwan laughed awkwardly. The other staffer looked between them suspiciously.

"Don't think I'm coming here because I favoritise Siwan," Jinho said, noting the suspicious look on the staffer's face. "I often visit employees at their houses." He paused as he took a seat, then added: "To tell the truth, I came here because I favoritise _Jiyeop_."

Jinho placed his hand on top of Kevin's, which was resting on the table and Kevin gasped in surprise. The others laughed.

"You know I used to think it was an odd thing, to have a man as a wife, but I'm starting to think you're lucky, Siwan. Take care of Jiyeop."

Kevin thought that he was about to die of embarrassment, so he excused himself from the table. He didn't think that he was necessary at the table in any case, he never spoke or added to any of their conversations. He went to tidy the kitchen, then picked up a newspaper, but he was called back not long after.

Kang Jinho came to stand behind him, and he he put a hand on the small of his back, causing him to jump slightly from the touch. "You should come back and join us - you don't have to chat if you don't want to, but please don't be left out."

At that moment Kevin's eyes met with Siwan's, and he could read Siwan begging him, _please do as he tells you_. So he agreed. Jinho moved his hand from the small of Kevin's back, down to his backside and gave it a pat. Kevin walked back to the sofa quickly and Jinho sat beside him.

Kevin remained mostly quiet for the rest of the night and he hardly paid any attention to the conversation they were having. He was however, acutely aware of Jinho and his actions, the way he would often pat Kevin on the knee or let their legs touch. He wondered if Jinho really did have a special interest in him, or if he was just being paranoid. He had a funny shiver when he realised that Jinho had blatantly touched him on the backside. Maybe that's how all Committee people were, so confident and shameless. There was something both friendly and frightening about Kang Jinho.

That night, he asked Siwan: "Does your boss ever make you feel uncomfortable in any way? Like he's coming on too strong?"

Siwan blinked. "No, not really. Does yours?"

"No, no, not at all."

"Why did you ask?"

"Ah, no reason. Just wondering."

Siwan told him that there was going to be a position opening up for a senior aide. "Anyone could get it," he said. "I could, but there are others too and I know a few people have their eyes on it. It's all up to the boss to choose."

"Do you think you have a good chance?"

"It's hard to tell. He seems to like me though." He paused for a few moments. "Well, actually I think he likes you."

For some reason this thought made Kevin nervous.

* * *

A week or so later, Kevin visited Siwan's office on his lunch break. He sometimes did this, because their offices were close, and since Kevin's work was not as demanding, he thought that Siwan might appreciate if he brought over some fruit for him from time to time.

He made it through the office without drawing attention, since many of the people there had come to recognise him, but he was not able to find Siwan at his desk. As he was deciding whether or not to just leave the fruit on the desk, he was tapped on the shoulder. It was Kang Jinho.

Kevin was startled. "Ah, hello Mr Kang..."

"What brings you here? Were you bringing fruit for Siwan?"

"Yes, but he isn't here. Is it okay if I leave it for him?" Kevin wasn't even sure why he was asking. He felt very nervous in the presence of the boss.

"Of course! My, you are very thoughtful of Siwan. You must care about him a great deal."

"Um, of course..." Kevin was now feeling overwhelmingly nervous and embarrassed.

"Since you're here, Jiyeop, would you mind coming to my office. I think I may have something for you."

Kevin had a bad feeling about this, but he wasn't able to refuse. He followed Jinho to his office, hoping that no one else would see them. It must be an unusual thing, to be invited into the office of such a high ranking bureaucrat.

Jinho asked Kevin to sit down. He did not sit down himself, he paced beside the desk, then came to stand behind it.

"I suppose you care for Siwan very much, and I think that's a good thing. He's really one of the best people we have in this office."

"Ah, that's good..." Kevin mumbled. What could this possibly have to do with him?

"I know you care him about a lot, but I would like you to consider what I am about to suggest. I want you to come out with me tonight. I was meant to be meeting someone, but they called to cancel just today. I considered cancelling the reservation, but if you don't mind I would like to spend the evening with you instead."

He came out from behind the desk and moved over to Kevin's side. He lifted his hand just to touch the top of Kevin's head, and Kevin knew that he couldn't possibly be imagining this.

"Is Siwan going to get the promotion?" he said, somewhat foolishly and immediately regretting his words.

Jinho chuckled. "He might, but I haven't decided yet. You know, you may well convince me."

Kevin was feeling more and more uncomfortable, so he quickly thought of an excuse to leave. "I have to get back to work. My lunch break is almost over."

Jinho stepped back, allowing Kevin to stand. "I hope you will consider coming out tonight." He told Kevin the place to go.

Kevin nodded. "I will."

As he returned to his own office, he wondered what this evening would entail. He knew that this would be a chance for him to help Siwan - and he suspected that if he refused Jinho's offer it would go the other way and Siwan would be passed over. Really, he had no choice.

* * *

In three years of marriage, Kevin and Siwan had never had sex properly. However, over time they had become more comfortable in each others' physical presence. It came to be that they would often lie in bed and touch each other, lightly kissing and petting. It was not passionate, as Kevin had known love making in the past, but it was relaxing and enjoyable. 

Kevin was thinking about lying with Siwan that night as he went out with Kang Jinho. He thought about Siwan almost constantly, even has he came to Jinho's room.

If Jinho saw the fear in his eyes, he didn't mention it. He brought his hand to Kevin's face and stroked it lovingly.

"I adore you... ever since the first time I saw you, and now I can't get you out of my head. I know it isn't proper, and you must love Siwan very much."

He guided Kevin to sit with him on the bed, and pulled at both his hands.

"Can you tell me if you like me at all? No, you don't need to lie... but ah, if only could fool me a little bit."

"I do like you..."

"Such a sweet boy!" 

He moved closer and kissed Kevin's neck. Kevin took a deep breath. Really, how different could it be?

He had promised himself that he would only think of Siwan, but at some point his mind went blank.

* * *

Kevin returned to Siwan with a feeling of horrible shame. For a few nights he went to bed early, and curled up on his side hoping to give the impression that he was already asleep when Siwan came up. He didn't want to talk to him, or kiss or touch him.

One night, when Siwan was home late and Kevin was already in bed, he was woken up by Siwan shaking him. Kevin sat up in confusion.

"Were you asleep? Ah, I'm sorry..."

"No, it's okay. What's the matter?"

"I got the job."

"Huh? Oh, the promotion..."

"It was such a long shot, and I'm really surprised."

"It's probably because you work hard," Kevin said, and he felt a bit sick at the same time.

"Thank you, by the way."

"Huh, why?" Kevin suddenly felt a bit worried. How could Siwan possibly know?

"Because you made dinner that night and I know it probably helped."

Kevin chuckled awkwardly. "I doubt it..."

"Thanks anyway."

Siwan quickly undressed, and came to lie beside Kevin, so close they were touching. Kevin shivered a little. He suddenly realised that he could no longer stand the feeling of Siwan touching him. When Siwan had fallen asleep, Kevin moved to the side.


	25. Chapter 25

When Siwan began his new role he became busier than ever, and Kevin returned to the familiar state of being alone at night.

He had a number of friends in his department, but none whom he was particularly close to, so he had returned to spending most free nights by himself at the gym. 

He wasn't able to see Hyungsik anymore. He had refrained from venturing downtown for a long time, and when he did finally go to visit Hyungsik's flat, he was no longer there. He had absolutely no way of knowing where Hyungsik was living now, and no way of finding out, since the ties between them had been cut and it was hard to keep track of people outside the Bureau.

As a result, Kevin was lonely. Since he had already helped Siwan get the promotion, he had no reason to ever see Kang Jinho again. And yet he did visit him again, much like a criminal who returns to the scene of their crime by some nervous compulsion.

Kevin did not have any particularly strong feeling towards Jinho, he neither liked nor disliked him. He was, however, curious when Jinho asked for him again and he went to Jinho's room feeling strangely at ease. Perhaps it was because Jinho was in love with him - or so he claimed to be - and he felt both protected and intrigued by it.

On a Friday night, he was lying on the bed in Jinho's room. Jinho was watching him fondly.

"You know what's funny about you, Jiyeop? You make a good wife... even though it sounds strange to say it. You have a sweet sort of obedience to you, submissiveness perhaps, which is what a man looks for in a wife. But you also have the strong body of a man." He touched Kevin's leg, tracing the calf to the hamstring. "Nice legs, and flat stomach-" He traced his hand higher, up to Kevin's chest. "You have strong arms and-" He paused his hand as he reached Kevin's nipple, and squeezed it gently. Kevin suddenly remembered the way Kwanghee had always teased him about having a somewhat busty chest, always before going in to suck on the nipples, and he felt a flush of arousal that was both painful and exhilarating.

Without being asked, he moved his hand towards his own arousal to tugged at it. He knew that was what Jinho wanted to see, and he couldn't help himself anyway.

"I love to watch your beautiful body," Jinho said, and sighed, somewhat sadly. "I can't help but wonder, what does Siwan do with it? I hate to imagine it, because Siwan is my employee and I don't think of him like that... but I suppose I do. He's a handsome man, and I can't help but see him with you, you two beautiful boys, loving and touching each other."

Kevin gasped, almost choked. He didn't actually want to be thinking about Siwan at a time like this - he was doing nothing but betraying Siwan all over again. But there had always been something lacking in their love making; it was enjoyable, but never passionate. At least Kang Jinho had passion for Kevin, and the way he loved Kevin was always desperate and needy, but powerful too.

He would have Kevin turn onto his knees, and Kevin, holding tight onto the sheets, would look ahead and see nothing but the plain wall, and he couldn't help but remember the way he was, when he was like this with Kwanghee. But he had come to realise that he had missed the feeling of being filled to the point of breaking, and being so close to someone, truly as close as two humans could ever possibly be. He was left feeling satisfied for a few minutes, only to feel empty afterwards, because as much as he had missed sex, he had really just missed Kwanghee.

Kang Jinho took care of him like a doting parent (maybe he really does love me, Kevin thought). He gently covered him with a sheet and stroked his hair. He was impossibly sleepy and comfortable like this, so he fell asleep for some time, forgetting that somewhere Siwan might be waiting for him. In his sleepy haze he supposed that Jinho had given him more work that he actually needed to do, all for the reason of keeping him away, but this only made it more guilty.

Kevin wasn't sure for how long he slept, but when he woke up, Jinho was also sleeping beside him. As if only just realising what had happened, Kevin felt a wave of disgust. He got up quietly, limping slightly as he searched for his clothes. He was looking around the table for his socks, and as he moved, he accidentally knocked Jinho's briefcase off the table. It must have been unlocked, because it opened as it fell and a few pages fell out.

"What was that?" Jinho was awake.

"I was looking for my sock, and I knocked over your briefcase. I'm sorry, I'll pick it up."

Jinho chuckled softly. "Ah, it's alright, don't worry. Hmm, you are clumsy..."

Kevin put the briefcase on the table, and started picking up the pieces of paper that had fallen out. He picked up a file with a photograph attached to it, and he stared at it in shock - although he was nervous about looking at it for long, with Jinho right over his shoulder.

In many ways it was a benefit that Jinho thought of Kevin as being totally innocent and stupid. "Do you like that picture?" he asked. "That's a good looking boy."

"Oh, I guess so..." Kevin blushed. Somehow embarrassment had taken over fear. The photo he was looking at was a photograph of Hyungsik. How, and why, did Jinho have this in a briefcase? "Who is it?" Kevin asked, hoping Jinho would still believe his stupid innocence.

Jinho rubbed his eyes, still sleepy from just having woken. "I'm not sure, let me see." Kevin handed him the photo. "It's Park Hyungsik. Kid works downtown."

"Why do you have his photo?"

"Apparently he used to work for us, the Bureau, that is. He was dismissed, but it's still fairly regular procedure to check up on where past employees end up."

"So where did he end up? Is he in trouble?"

"What? Ah, no, he's working as a waiter of some sort." Jinho scratched his head as he scanned the file. "Tied up with drug dealers apparently, but he's of no particular interest to us."

Jinho went to put the paper back in his briefcase and Kevin wished that he had held onto it a little longer. It might have told him where Hyungsik was living, or where to find him. But Jinho was being sweet on him now, so it was perhaps worth trying his luck.

"Can I know where Park Hyungsik lives?" he asked.

Jinho looked at him suspiciously. "Why would you want to know that? He's not the sort of person you should be seen with."

"Park Hyungsik was my _dongsaeng_ \- we dormed together at the Academy."

"Oh, you knew him?" Jinho smiled kindly. "Why didn't you say so?"

"It's been a while since I last saw him. I didn't see him much after he was dismissed." He came to sit beside Jinho, and allowed Jinho to kiss his neck. "We were very close back in the Academy, he always said I was like a real brother to him. I've always felt responsible for him, and I don't like to think that he's in any trouble."

"Should I check on him for you? I can make sure he will stay out of trouble."

"Ah... I would like to see him myself."

Jinho pulled back slightly, then held Kevin's face in his hands. "I'd much rather you didn't go down there. It's not a safe place."

"But I'm worried about my dongsaeng, and I need to see him for myself."

Jinho did not look convinced, so Kevin tried a little harder. He rested his head on Jinho's shoulder and squeezed his arm.

"I know you want to keep me safe, and that's because you love me. And because you love me, you know what it feels like to love and worry over someone. Can you see how I am worried over my dongsaeng?"

Jinho sighed. "You are right, I suppose. I am being quite narrow sighted. Suppose he is just a dongsaeng to you, nothing more?"

"Nothing more."

"Then promise me, that if I tell you where to find him, you will go there only once and you will not stay for long? It's no place for an employee of the Bureau. There are many people down that way who have a bad feeling towards us, and it's by no fault of yours, so I don't want you getting hurt. Don't draw attention to yourself."

"I understand."

Jinho went to retrieve the file from his briefcase. He examined it briefly then handed it to Kevin, pointing at a particular line.

"He is usually seen in this place, it's a cafe. The note also says he works at this place, which appears to be a nightclub of sorts. I think you should try the cafe first though."

"Thank you," Kevin said, and he smiled. "You are good to me."

Jinho sighed. "You know you have me completely at your mercy."

Kevin leaned in, allowing Jinho to kiss him on the lips. He stayed there for a little longer than usual, since after this favour he felt that Jinho deserved to have his way with him. But they had to break apart eventually.

"You are sweet to me," Jinho said, appreciatively.

Kevin blushed. "I have to go now. I think Siwan would be waiting for me."

"Yes, you should go back to your small and handsome Siwan. It would be selfish to keep you for myself."

Feeling relieved, Kevin put his shoes on quickly. Jinho did not move. He remained seated on the bed and stared sadly at the window. This was how Kevin left him.

* * *

A few nights later Kevin made his trip downtown. He tried to dress casually, combining his gym clothes with an old jacket. He knew that going downtown was dangerous, especially these days, and he knew better than to go looking like someone from the Bureau.

He first went to the place that Jinho had suggested, a cafe style ramyeon shop. It was a small and run down looking place, with plastic chairs and a broken light that flickered above the heads of the patrons. Kevin sat down at the bar and ordered some ramyeon. He carefully looked around the place, checking for anyone who might be dangerous, or anyone who might be friendly and help him find Hyungsik. At this time the place was almost empty.

A little later, the waiter brought him his food, and a large group of young people poured into the shop, talking in loud voices. Kevin checked them, in case Hyungsik was among them, but he did not see him. He noticed that a number of the youths were wearing insignia for the Liberation Army and he began to feel nervous.

The crowd did not pay any attention to him. They were talking contentedly among themselves, rowdy enough to command a presence, but not loud enough for Kevin to overhear them. Kevin had just about finished his soup when the waiter came to stand in front of him.

Kevin looked up in surprise. The waiter leaned down, and lowered his voice. "This is no place for a Bureau employee to be having dinner."

Kevin was stunned. He didn't know how the waiter had identified him, and he didn't want to ask. "Should I leave?"

The waiter gave a slightly forced smile. "That depends. What did you come here for?"

"Personal reasons. I'm just looking for a friend."

"What friend?" He paused, and smiled at Kevin - this time more genuine. "I might be able to help you."

"Park Hyungsik."

The waiter looked surprised. "You want Hyungsikkie? What for?"

"I don't want him, I just want to see him. I'm his friend."

The waiter nodded. "I see. And you don't know where he is?"

"No. Do you?"

"Yes, I'm quite close with him. Well, to put it another way, I like to look out for him."

Kevin sighed. "I don't suppose you'll take me to him."

The waiter smiled. He was young, and he had small, round eyes and Kevin thought he seemed quite trustworthy. But perhaps the waiter would not easily trust Kevin.

"Come with me for a bit," he said, and Kevin followed him outside of the shop. He was encouraged to walk a bit further, so that they were out of earshot of the cafe. "My name is Kim Taeheon," he said. "I've known Park Hyungsik for almost a year. He's a very likeable guy, but there's something, I dunno, childlike about him."

"He's very innocent," Kevin said, and the guy shook his head.

"Innocent, perhaps, but I was thinking more like vulnerable."

"You're worried that I've come to hurt him?"

Kim Taeheon did not agree nor disagree. "Tell me your name," he said.

"Kim Jiyeop."

They arrived at the door of a dark building, and Taeheon instructed him to wait outside. "I'll check if he's in first."

He disappeared behind the door and Kevin waited impatiently on the step, hugging himself to fight against the biting wind. Taeheon appeared a few minutes later.

"He's says he doesn't know you."

"Huh?" Kevin looked at him in shock.

"I told him you were Kim Jiyeop, and he said he doesn't know you."

Kevin's face burned slightly. "Tell him it's _Kevin_."

Taeheon nodded and disappeared again. When he returned a minute later, he beckoned Kevin to come in.

They entered an extremely narrow hallway, which was almost in complete darkness. Taeheon guided him up a staircase, which curved around back and forth for about three flights. At the top, Taeheon pushed a door open, and he beckoned Kevin to go in. He stood back to let Kevin pass, and then he disappeared again.

The room was lit by a single lamp, and the moonlight from the window. A man was sitting on the floor in the centre of the room, with a pillow in his lap and his legs crossed. Kevin looked at him carefully. 

It was definitely Hyungsik, down to every feature - the single lidded eyes and the mole on his chin - but something about him was not right. When he looked at Kevin, there was an emptiness behind his eyes, as if he did not actually recognise him.

"Hyungsik," Kevin said, his voice wobbling slightly. Then it was more like a question: "Hyungsikkie?"

Hyungsik moved his head to look upwards at Kevin, and he didn't say anything.

"It's me, Kevin?"

Hyungsik blinked slowly. "Oh, right... What is it?"

Kevin cautiously moved forward, and he took a seat on the floor in front of Hyungsik so that they were face to face.

"I just came to see you. I lost you for a while, I didn't know where you went." Kevin's voice was shaky as he spoke. He didn't feel as though he was talking to his best friend; this was a stranger.

Hyungsik rubbed his eyes. "I don't really want to see anyone right now. It's too late."

"Too late," Kevin repeated softly. Did Hyungsik mean it was too late in the night, or too late in general? Perhaps he was right - Kevin had come to find him far too late.

As Kevin's eyes began to adjust to the dim light, he could see Hyungsik better. Hyungsik had always been thin, but now he looked gaunt. His complexion was now more pale, and a little patchy in places. He was wearing a dirty and unironed shirt, and an old jacket over top. It took a moment or so for Kevin to see the pattern on the jacket - it was the insignia of the Liberation Army.

"What have you been doing?" Kevin asked him, his voice now gaining strength.

"I don't have to work tonight, you shouldn't be bothering me."

"Where do you work?"

"I don't have to talk to you."

"But Hyungsik, you don't have to be scared - it's me, Kevin..."

Hyungsik picked up the pillow that was in his lap and threw it at Kevin's face. "Fuck off," he said.

Kevin was completely stunned. He had never heard Hyungsik swear before, and certainly never at him. "What did you say?"

"I said, fuck off!" He raised his voice this time, sounding more aggressive and dangerous.

Kevin stood up and headed out the door. He realised now that he was frightened - not that he thought Hyungsik might hurt him, but because Hyungsik had changed so much he no longer knew him.

He pushed through the door and headed back down the creaky staircase into the narrow hallway. Kim Taeheon was waiting at the bottom.

Taeheon had been friendly to him, by letting him come here, but now Kevin looked upon him with a sickening anger. "What have you done," he said. "What have you done to him?"

He raised his hand threateningly, but Taeheon held it back with a steady arm, and Kevin realised that his opponent was indeed quite large, and not worth fighting. He did not seem to want to have any violent friction with Kevin; he encouraged Kevin to put his hand down again.

"I haven't done anything to Hyungsik," he said. "Like I told you, I only try to look out for him."

"So he was like - _like this_ when you met him?"

"You mean, was he a heroin addict when I met him?" Taeheon's voice was quite calm, and his eyes looked upon Kevin with a certain piousness. "Yes, I think so."

Kevin felt suddenly overcome by despair. "It's true, I came much too late for him."

Taeheon continued speaking in that same calm voice. "I think you should go home now." He guided Kevin back onto the street. "I promise I'll keep looking out for Hyungsik."

Kevin glared at him. Was this what he called "looking out" for Hyungsik? But then again, it might have been worse, and Hyungsik might not be alive at all.

He was about to ask Taeheon if Hyungsik had joined the rebels, then it occurred to him that Taeheon may well be a member of the Liberation Army himself - he worked in that ramyeon shop where the rebels had gathered, and he had a keen eye for detecting people from the Bureau.

Before they parted, Taeheon left him with some warning words. "Don't come back down town," he said. "It won't do any good for Hyungsik and you'll only get in trouble." With that he was gone.


	26. Chapter 26

Kevin still visited Jinho often. He didn't fully understand why he did it - he felt no love for the man, and there was no benefit in the affair for him now that Siwan had been promoted. Still he continued to do it, and over time he no longer felt disgust and he even began to feel comfortable in Jinho's presence.

Sometimes Jinho would tell him secrets, or feelings that he needed to express, but was not able to tell anyone else. Kevin supposed that Jinho thought that he was stupid, and therefore harmless, so telling these secrets would have no consequence. Sometimes he spoke about the personal regrets towards his family, and the path he had chosen in life. Sometimes he spoke about the committee, the internal struggles and frictions. Sometimes he even spoke about the rebels.

"The Bureau underestimates the strength of the Liberation, in my opinion. Our current life is not stable, and eventually history must take its course..."

Kevin tried to probe him with a few questions, but Jinho just brushed them off. "Darling, you don't want to hear me talk about these boring things, do you?"

Kevin felt that he had to play along with it, so he just shook his head, and allowed Jinho to pat him.

He could tell that Jinho was sad - he possessed a deep sadness that Kevin would probably never be able to touch. Perhaps this was the reason he was not able to break off the affair - he knew that by not seeing Jinho anymore he would be pushing him back into that dark well of sadness, and that would make him feel too guilty.

* * *

Kevin was surprised to find Siwan already home when he got there; it wasn't even late. He had his head over a bunch of papers on the kitchen tabletop and he didn't look up when Kevin came in. There was something tense and unusual about the sight, so Kevin moved around cautiously.

He was about to go to the shower when Siwan called to him. His voice was so serious and grave that Kevin was frozen in his steps.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I didn't say anything was the matter."

Kevin spoke slowly. "You seem a little... upset."

"I'm just stressed. Very very stressed!"

"Ah, can I...?"

"Come over here."

Kevin hesitated. Siwan was staring at him now with a dark and hollow expression. Kevin suddenly felt frightened to go near him, but just as frightened to ignore his request. He stepped forward.

Siwan reached in to him as though he was going for an embrace. He pulled Kevin in closer, so their chests were flush against each other, and his face was level with Kevin's neck. Kevin's heart beat harder. There was nothing warm about their embrace, and as Siwan started to touch him, Kevin realised he was being interrogated.

"Where did you go tonight?" Siwan asked, softly.

"Nowhere. I came from work." Kevin's voice wobbled slightly.

"Are you lying?"

Kevin breathed out slowly. "Yes."

"Are you sleeping with someone?"

Kevin didn't answer.

"You are. Again. You must really hate me." Siwan's voice was so level and unemotional, as though he were only stating facts.

"It's not what you think. I did it for you. He's old and I don't even like him! It was the only way you could get promoted."

At this Siwan took a step back and Kevin could see the horror slowly appearing behind his eyes. "You're lying. Say it isn't true!"

Kevin said nothing. Siwan hit him across the face.

"I should divorce you," he said. "I could have you dismissed. I could have you sent to a labour camp! I know you went downtown to the rebel headquarters, people saw you there. I could have you finished!"

Kevin still said nothing. His cheek was stinging from where Siwan had hit him, but apart from that he felt almost nothing. 

Siwan hung his head so Kevin could not see his eyes. "Give me one reason I shouldn't divorce you."

"I don't have one."

"You think I should?"

"Yes... I think you should."

They stood in silence for three seconds that felt like hours. At last Siwan said, "just leave. I don't want to see you anymore."

* * *

When Kevin left the apartment he went back to Jinho's room, since he had no where else to go. He had no idea if Jinho would still be there. He felt oddly light on his feet. In some ways it was a relief that Siwan knew his secret, if only for the fact he didn't have to lie anymore. But what future lay before them, he could not think of it.

When he arrived at the room, Jinho was just leaving. He was surprised to see Kevin, but not unhappy.

"Jiyeop, you came back? What's the matter?"

Kevin shrugged. "I don't really feel like going home tonight."

Jinho offered his arm to Kevin. "Me neither. Let's go for a walk."

He took Kevin outside and they walked arm in arm on the street. Kevin turned his head to look around.

"Sir," he whispered. "Do you think we shouldn't be walking like this?"

Jinho chuckled. "If people see, who cares. What's the worst that can happen?"

Kevin knew that there must be some consequences - he had just been threatened with divorce and dismissal that night - so there must be consequences just as bad for Jinho. Or perhaps it didn't affect him, because he was on the Committee.

After a while, Kevin decided to tell Jinho the truth. "Siwan is mad at me," he said. "He found out about this. He says he wants a divorce."

Jinho sighed, a little sadly. "Don't worry about your Siwan. He is young, and young hearts mend easily. I know you love him, and he will see that."

Kevin stared absently at the blue haze of night sky. Siwan had never been his preference for anything. _I never wanted to marry him. I never even wanted to be in Level 1 with him!_ He looked back at Jinho.

"What makes you think I love him?"

"Don't you? Jiyeop, I can tell you have a pure heart. I've been selfish, tearing you away from him like this, and I suppose I made him mad at you. But I know you don't love me at all, your heart still belongs to him, so you will find each other in the end."

Kevin held onto Jinho's arm tighter. He felt even worse now. "I'm sorry," he said, a little dumbly, and Jinho smiled on him fondly.

"Sorry that you don't love me? You've been kind."

They walked towards the bridge that led downtown, and stopped half way over it. They stood side by side at the ledge and watched the water below.

"I don't know if you know how old I am, but I have been at the Bureau for a very long time. Back when I started I had big dreams about what would become of this country - I dreamed of bringing stability, wealth and equality to the fatherland. But over the years I felt my dream slipping away. It was much too hard for me to hold onto it. Ah, why am I going on like this?"

He squeezed Kevin's arm. Together they looked over towards the dull lights of downtown.

"Did you find Park Hyungsik?" Jinho asked.

"Yes," Kevin said. "I found him. But in a way, I think he is still lost."

From where he stood, downtown looked like another country. The wind picked up around them, full of misery.

"Jiyeop, don't be sad," Jinho said, his voice partly carried away by the wind. "Just promise me you'll look after Siwan. He needs you, you know."

Kevin was a little startled by this, so he mumbled in response.

Jinho was holding Kevin's arm, but then he let go. No sooner than Kevin had noticed this, Jinho had stepped up and folded himself over the ledge of the bridge. The cold wind beat harder around his ears. He heard the sound of the body hitting the water.

"Mr Kang!" he screamed. "Kang Jinho!"

He yelled out a few more times but there was clearly no point in it. At this time of year the water would be close to freezing, and a person would freeze to death before they drowned.

The black water moved slowly, thick like tar. Beneath it lay the dark and uncertain abyss, to which he had lost Jinho, just like he had lost Hyungsik and Kwanghee. As Kevin hung over the ledge, he was possessed by a strange longing for the comfort of death. No one would miss him, he thought, because he was alone without any family, the bastard son of general who had fled the country in disgrace - for what cursed reason had he even returned here? There was still Siwan, he thought. Siwan who hated him and wanted to divorce him.

In the heat of emergency there seemed to be no other option. Kevin pushed himself over the ledge and into the water.

As soon as he was under the water the world seemed to change. His longing for death was replaced by a survival instinct, and he fought his way to the surface. He cried out but there was still no sign of Jinho. The water was so cold that his body felt numb, and he was barely able to keep himself above the water as he tried to fight his way back to the shore.

After an uncertain amount of time, a light was shone in his face. It was coming from the bridge.

"Hello? Who's down there?"

Kevin tried to cry out but his energy was drained. He raised his hand. The people on the bridge had seen him, and they would come to rescue him.

He was taken back to bank of the river by two military policemen. "What were you doing out there?" one asked. "It's no time of year for swimming."

"Rescue," Kevin spluttered. He was shaking so much he could barely make out the words. "Rescue Mr Kang. He jumped."

"Rescue? Is there someone else out there?"

"Kang... Kang Jinho..."

They took Kevin to the police station. As he sat alone on the bench, wrapped in a blanket, it slowly occurred to him that a Committee member had died, and he had been the only person to witness it. The policemen were talking amongst each other, but Kevin wasn't able to hear their conversation. He wondered if they suspected him.

When they came back to him they asked if he had anyone he could call. He nodded and went to the phone, dialed the number without thinking.

The phone rang on the other end for a long time before it was answered.

"Hello?"

Kevin's voice came out broken. "Siwan... please come."

Siwan paused for what seemed like an eternity. Then, "Where are you?"

"The central police station. Kang Jinho killed himself."

"Stay there. I'm coming." Siwan hung up the phone.

Kevin walked slowly back to the bench. The police officers were now talking urgently into phones. Someone had gone back to the bridge to search for the body.

At last Kevin was taken in for interview. Now that his shaking had stopped, he could speak normally. The military policeman, who had been his saviour just an hour ago, now seemed like an intimidating menace.

"What was your relationship with Mr Kang?"

Kevin took a moment to answer. How could he possibly describe it? "We were friends," he said. "My partner works for him. We saw each other often."

"Is that why you were alone on the bridge with him?"

"Yes."

"Did you jump in immediately after him?"

Kevin remembered that he had shouted, and then paused for some contemplation. He couldn't remember how long. "I don't know. I can't remember."

There was a knock on the door and the policemen was called out. A minute later he came back and told Kevin that he could leave.

At front desk, Siwan was waiting. Siwan bowed to the policemen. "Thank you for rescuing Kim Jiyeop. He's been very shaken. He was close with my boss."

The policeman seemed amiable again. "Very well, take him home."

* * *

As he opened the apartment door, Siwan said softly: "I'm sorry for hitting you."

Kevin was going to say something to excuse it, tell him he was sorry for every bit of trouble he'd caused, but for some reason he wasn't able to get any words out. Kevin rarely cried, but at that moment he was not able to contain it, and he began to weep violently. He cried for everything that had happened that night, for Jinho, and for everything and everyone he had lost all the way back to his own father many years ago.

Siwan held onto him tightly, and in that moment they were closer than they had ever been before. They remained standing like that in the doorway for a long time, until eventually Siwan guided him upstairs to bed.

"Go to sleep," he whispered. "I'll make sure everything will be fixed."


	27. Chapter 27

The next morning Kevin woke up late. He was still wearing his clothes from the day before. He looked around in confusion, as the events of last night came back to him slowly, and he thought he could hear someone in the house. Siwan must be downstairs.

Kevin got up slowly, and made his way downstairs to the kitchen. There Siwan was, looking cleanly dressed as he paced back and forth, sorting his folders. He stopped when he saw Kevin.

"You slept a long time," he said. "But that's probably for the best."

Kevin came to sit at the table, and took an apple from the fruit bowl. He stared at it and realised that he had no appetite.

Siwan sat down across from him. He said, in a soft voice, "I think everything will be okay. Apparently there were two witnesses who said that Kang Jinho jumped from the bridge. And you jumped in after to rescue him." 

Kevin stared at him. He felt nauseous.

Siwan continued. "Having said that, I think it would be best if you took leave for the next week or so. You are no longer under suspicion, but there may be scandal. I'll do my best to manage it."

Kevin nodded dumbly. He was too slow to catch up with what Siwan was saying.

"I'll call my parents. Would you be okay with staying at their house for the time being? Getting out of Baksan for a while might be a good idea."

Kevin cleared his throat. "What about divorcing me?"

"Divorcing you?" Siwan stared at Kevin as if he had said something absurd. "Are you crazy?" He laughed suddenly, a hollow and unhappy laugh. "How can I divorce you? You are the only person I have left!"

He tapped Kevin on the head lightly with the folder he was holding. "Go down South for a while, and I will be there in time for New Years - after I've sorted out whatever needs to be done here."

Kevin was still in a state of shock, but he did as he was told. Siwan wasn't mad at him anymore, and it wasn't because of anything he had done. He only knew that he had to hold onto this opportunity, because Siwan was right - they only had each other now.

* * *

Kevin caught the train that following afternoon, and he arrived in Siwan's hometown in the evening. Siwan's family seemed happy to receive him, and Kevin didn't know exactly what Siwan had told them. They didn't ask many questions - they just gave him dinner and put him to bed.

It was a cold night. In the south the winter was not as cold as in Baksan, but Siwan's family lived on the coast, and there was a different sort of coldness in the air. At night Kevin thought he could hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the docks, violent and threatening, but somehow very far away. He couldn't sleep so he thought about Siwan; had he been to the funeral? Would he lose his job now that his boss was dead? Had Kevin's thoughtless actions put him in even deeper trouble?

He stayed awake for a long time. Siwan's family had given him his own room to sleep in and it felt abnormally big to him. He hoped that Siwan would arrive soon.

* * *

The next day Siwan's sister came to the house, and Kevin spent the morning with her. She seemed eager to talk to him, although he was not in the mood for conversation.

"Siwan said you saw a man die and you were in shock."

Kevin mumbled something in reply. He could not tell from her expression whether she was sympathetic to this or not. People always said southerners were more tough skinned; it was possible that she was not.

"He sounded a little worried about you when I spoke to him. I hope you are settling into the house well."

"I am. Thank you."

Kevin was tempted to play on the piano the family kept in the living room, but he was too shy to do so in front of the sister, since he knew she was a famous pianist. She would find his technique very basic. Eventually she encouraged him to play with her, since she could tell that he was bored and he wasn't much good for conversation.

They played a small piece together and Kevin played quite hopelessly, but the sister didn't seem to mind and she encouraged him warmly.

"I haven't played in a very long time," he told her, a little bashfully.

"That doesn't matter. You can play here for as long as you like."

* * *

That afternoon Kevin went for a walk outside, down by the docks. The cold winds were harsh, but Kevin's curiosity and restlessness were too strong to stay inside. He wore his heaviest coat and and made his way all the way up to one of the cliffs. He stayed put once he got there, since he felt compelled to watch the waves crash and the sea birds swirl above.

He wasn't sure for how long he sat there. When his solitude was finally interrupted, it was Siwan who came to see him.

He heard Siwan calling out to him from about 50 metres away. He turned to see coming up the hill, also wearing his heaviest coat and looking a bit like a penguin as he waddled around the rocks and stones. Kevin stood up, and went over to greet him, but Siwan motioned for him to go back.

"You can stay here, if you like," he said. "I just wanted to see you."

When he came to Kevin's side he was looking quite pink in the cheeks. Kevin thought he must be very cold. "Are you cold? We can go back."

"No, it's alright. Mother said you went for a walk, but I didn't think you would come this far. It's not such a bad place. There's a good view."

They sat down, side by side. Feeling a little frustrated by Siwan's obvious coldness, he pulled the hood from Siwan's coat so it was fitted comfortably against his face.

"How's the family been treating you?" Siwan asked.

"Fine. How was the funeral?"

Siwan sighed. "There was no real problem with it. But Kang Jinho left behind all sorts of trouble to fix. The real hard work will begin after New Year."

"Will you still have a job?"

"Yes, I think so. Don't worry about me."

"What about the scandals, the ones I caused?"

Siwan shivered a little, so Kevin instinctively moved closer to him. "They don't matter, or at least there's nothing concrete that anyone can prove. Being seen going out with Jinho doesn't really mean anything unless you know the whole story, and only me and you know that."

"What about the stuff you said about me being seen with the rebels?" 

Siwan glanced sideways at him, "Well Jiyeop, are you affiliated with the rebels?"

"Of course not."

"Then forget it."

"I can't easily forget it," he said seriously, and Siwan looked at him with interest. "Something bad's happened to Hyungsik, and I can't easily let it go."

Siwan nodded. "I know. It's hard to keep track of him now though, since he's outside of the Bureau."

"How do you know? Have you seen him lately?"

"No, I haven't seen him at all. Kim Taeheon has told me about him though. He told me about you too - he said he saw you there, and he took you to see Hyungsik."

"So, Kim Taeheon..."

"He works for the Bureau, yes. You never did anything illegal, so don't worry about being reported. It was more for my interest." He paused for a few moments. "I'm sorry about Hyungsik, sorry that I can't really do more. Right now it's not clear whether he is siding with the rebels-"

"He's not siding with anyone! He's lost his mind."

"I know... but still, it's hard for me to keep up on everything and still stay on the right side of things. I'll do everything I can, but I can't really help someone who has chosen to side with the rebels. It becomes too much risk."

They silently together for some time, and Kevin began to feel increasingly frustrated. At last he said: "Is it really necessary to keep secrets like this from me? If you knew something about where Hyungsik was, you should have told me. And you even had an informant spying on me? Tell me the truth - do you actually suspect me of being a rebel too?"

"No, I don't," Siwan said. Then he smiled, very quickly, and said, "Are you?"

Kevin hugged at his knees. "Do you remember how people were always suspicious of me, when we were trainees? Because I came from another country. Since you seem to know so much, do you know why it was that my family first left this country?"

"No. You've never told me."

So Kevin told him. "My mother was a singer, she was working in a nightclub when she first met my father. My father was a general in the army, and he fought in the revolution - he was, by all means, a national hero. He wanted his son to follow in his footsteps - that wasn't me, this was the son from the family he had a long time before I was born. Anyway, he did that - he joined the army too. But for whatever reason - I never learned what - he decided to become a traitor and he was a part of the first uprising. It crushed my father's heart, not just the scandal, but personally too - since had a lot of faith in the fatherland. The betrayal must have had a really big impact on him. He left his family, his real family, and he emigrated with me and my mother. I don't think he was ever really happy in the new country. He died shortly after."

Siwan had been listening patiently. When Kevin was finished, he said, "I didn't even know that you were an illegitimate child."

"That's why I don't have any family. But I'm not mad at him, since he always did his best to look out for my mother and me, and he saved us from poverty. I guess I always fancied that I could be the son that he had wished for - the better one who would make him proud."

Siwan took a hold of his hand. "I think you're right," he said. "I shouldn't keep any secrets from you. From now on I'll trust everything to you."

It was getting late, so they began walking back to the house. Siwan still held his hand.

"This might sound funny," he said, and Kevin was listening intently, "but when I was younger I used to hope that one day I would get married to someone like you."

"I don't believe you."

He laughed. "Really? why? Ever since I was young I had planned on going into the Bureau, and this is pretty much what I imagined my life would be like. I imagined that I would marry someone that I liked, someone who was pleasant and gentle, and then over time I would come to love them. I thought that it would be better that way. I guess the last bit didn't go exactly how I would have liked, but there's still time."

"So are you happy?"

Siwan scrunched his nose. "No, not really. There were quite a lot of things I didn't know about when I was younger. Work's more stressful than I thought, and I've had to sacrifice more than I wanted to. But I'm glad I still have you."

Kevin was a bit dumbfounded, so Siwan swung his hand cheerfully and kept talking.

"My parents really like you," he said. "I think they prefer you to me. I have no idea why..."

* * *

That night Kevin could not sleep. The room felt even more foreign and unusual to him than it did on the first night, and he was more wound up than he thought. He eventually decided that he should get up and try going for a walk.

He only made it as far as the end of the corridor, where he found Siwan standing at the door of the dining room. He was wearing his pyjamas, and he looked a little dazed, as though he might be sleep walking.

Kevin had never known Siwan to sleep walk, but he was careful all the same. He lightly touched Siwan's arm. Siwan turned to smile at him with perfect lucidity.

"You can't sleep?" he said.

"No," Kevin replied then added, a little shyly, "I'm not used to sleeping without my husband."

"Me neither. Let's go back."

Together they returned to Kevin's room, and climbed into the single bed. It was smaller than what they had at home, but it didn't matter - they could fit in it together if they lay curled up against each other. Siwan lay curled with his back to Kevin's chest, and Kevin could smell his freshly washed hair. It was so comfortable and familiar, Siwan's breathing and his warmth.

For some reason, just as he was about to fall asleep, Kevin remembered the dream he used to have when he was younger, the dream about the small, warm body lying next to his. He always imagined that his future wife would be like that, small and pale, just like in the dream.

 _Siwan is small and pale,_ he thought, and he wondered why he had never realised this before.


	28. Chapter 28

The journey back to the grey city of Baksan struck Kevin as foreboding, and only on that journey did he notice for the first time how the mountain seemed to loom too close to the buildings. Their old apartment now seemed smaller and darker than ever.

Still, it was back to work now, and Kevin returned to his job at the Department of Comms with much trepidation. He knew there would probably be some gossip going around about what had happened with Kang Jinho, and especially since he had taken leave after the incident.

To his relief, he made it to his desk without having to make any awkward conversation. Only at lunchtime he was interrupted by someone from the media office, who had a press release to show everyone.

"It's about the Committee," she said. "They're putting in a new person to take the place of Kang Jinho."

Kevin lowered his head, slightly, not wanting to be part of the conversation, but he was tapped on the shoulder not long after.

"Isn't that your husband?"

Kevin blushed. "Sorry, what?"

He took the paper they were passing around and he read it quickly. Sure enough the announcement said that Siwan would be taking the place of Kang Jinho on the Committee. Kevin handed the paper back feeling dazed. Siwan on the Committee? It was unimaginable.

The rest of his department chatted about it for the rest of the afternoon. It was interesting news, because he would be the youngest member of the committee, and his promotions had been quite rapid ("Maybe next year he'll be the chairman!" someone said.). They were also excited because of his connection to Kevin, as if that might bring good fortune to all of them. Normally people didn't pay much attention to each others' personal lives, but now everyone was telling Kevin to give good wishes to Siwan.

It was an exhausting day and Kevin was relieved when it was over. At home he made dinner and hoped that Siwan would not be too late.

Siwan came home just in time for dinner, and Kevin was curious about how he would tell this story. He said hello, and sat down to eat immediately. They ate in silence for some time, with Kevin's curiosity building.

"Don't you have some news for me?" he asked eventually.

"Yes," Siwan said, "I do." He waited until he had finished eating, then said, "We're getting to move to a better house."

"And...?"

"I'm replacing Kang Jinho on the Committee. But I'm guessing you already knew that, you work in the Department of Comms."

"Is that good news?"

"I'm not sure. Well, of course it's a prestigious position. But I was chosen for it only because I was highest ranked person who worked under him, and I am quite familiar with this portfolio. Having said that, I don't yet know if it's a blessing or a curse. It could well be more responsibility than I can handle."

Kevin nodded solemnly and they resumed eating. Later, Siwan added, "Of course the best thing is that we're moving to a new house. I don't know about you, but I can't stand this place."

* * *

It was an actual house this time, in the uptown neighbourhood, and it had windows and rooms, and even a garden. It was still only a fraction of the size of the house Siwan's family lived in, but Kevin still found it impressive.

They spent one half of Saturday moving in, since they did not have much furniture to begin with. When they were done, Siwan took a place standing in the kitchen, leaning over the sink to see out the window. He was like that for a while, as if completely lost in thought. Kevin watched him. The way the afternoon light fell on his soft hair and cheek was infinitely delicate, and Kevin now saw him in a way he had never seen him before. Overcome by a sudden desire, he went over to wrap his arms around Siwan's waist and kiss his head. Siwan remained still.

Kevin had never been active in love, hardly active in anything, but now he realised what he had to do. He gently put his hand on Siwan's cheek, then turned their faces together.

* * *

The afternoon light turned dim, and the gentle beating of rain on the window replaced the sunshine. Siwan repeated _Jiyeop, Jiyeop_ over and over into Kevin's ear, his breathless mumbling like a spell conjuring the storm outside, a storm that felt so close and yet so far away. Siwan's body was warm and comfortable beneath his, and Kevin wondered why they had never lain like this before. He used to have dreams about it, but that was years ago. Still, the desire and attraction he had felt back then was still there, lying latent only to be woken by this experience.

When the light outside the window was completely gone, Siwan, having rested for a while, wriggled out from underneath Kevin's arm. "There's still some work to do," he said simply. His manner was changed now, as though they had not spent the last few hours making love at all, as if it had been like any other day. Kevin followed him slowly and they spent the evening putting the rest of the house together.

But surely something between them had changed. There was an unspoken, harmonious tenderness between them, and Kevin felt acutely aware of every little movement Siwan made. He placed his hand carefully on Siwan's back add they walked down the stairs. How suddenly protective he felt! It was silly, only Siwan had ever protected him.

They ate together cordially, much like they always did. But instead of looking at his food, Kevin instead looked at his lover intermittently, each time struck by just how beautiful he was. How had he never noticed this before? He'd always known it, but never noticed it until this evening.

When they went to bed they made love again, almost for as long as the first time.

* * *

A year passed. Kevin was eventually promoted at the Department of Communications. He spent his days writing up media releases about the current state of affairs in the Bureau, in Baksan and in the country as a whole.

Every day the student protesters that took to streets seemed to become stronger and more defiant; they camped all the way along the street to the town centre, and they could not easily be moved. They were a harmless, albeit annoying presence, but Kevin was under strict instructions to portray them in a negative light.

As the for the rebel terrorist group, who called themselves the Liberation Army, he could say nothing at all. To give the group attention was to give them power, so he followed instructions to not mention them in anyway that was not dismissive or diminishing.

Kevin actually put very little thought into his work. For him, it was just a way to pass the hours of the day, and his real life seemed to come from Siwan. He lived vicariously through Siwan on the committee, because every night Siwan would come home into his arms, and share with him every story and experience he had.

Siwan often talked about the dangers that came right from within the Committee (and so Kevin often forgot about the dangers that lurked outside, such as the Liberation Army). He told Kevin about the factions and the politics, and how he sometimes feared that he was on the wrong side of all of it.

"They always think there will be a change of guard," he said. "Park Jinhee and Bang Ubin are mounting an alliance against Pyo Kyung."

It was late at night and Kevin was holding Siwan against his chest. They spoke softly, but it was hours before either of them would sleep.

"Are you going to side with them?"

"No, I'll stay loyal to the chairman."

Kevin held him tighter. Siwan was always loyal, and surely that must count for something.

* * *

In the following spring they prepared for the yearly War Memorial event. In recent years the event had been interrupted by protesters, and this year would be no different. Kevin finished writing a media release about the event, and did not mention the protesters.

The event itself was simple. The committee would appear and the Chairman would give an address. The military leaders would also give appearances and well dressed officers would fill the town square. The bureaucrats would also attend, filling the square, and Kevin would be one of them.

It was not an exciting event, but any means, but as Kevin sent off the press release, he felt a certain trepidation. These were tense times, the protesters were getting stronger, the Liberation Army was building, and within the Committee there was a plot to overthrow the chairman. His press release said nothing of this - it couldn't possibly - but Kevin felt acutely aware of all of it.

He watched Siwan getting dressed in the morning. He looked so handsome in his official clothes, and Kevin felt a swell of pride in his chest. How right it was that _his_ Siwan was on the Committee! He felt an exaggerated belief in Siwan, and the worries about the Committee and the event now fell away.

They parted ways in the morning. Kevin was going to stand amongst the other grey coated bureaucrats in the crowded town square.

He saw the protesters as soon as he arrived. They were standing, blocked off by barracades, but determined to remain there, shouting their slogans for democracy and a free country. The very sight of them made Kevin feel guilty. He remembered how he had met those students at a night club, that time with Kwanghee, and how they were so bright and jubilant with their music, and full of life. For some reason his grey Bureau jacket made him feel like an imposter, just like it had on that night.

The sky was full of clouds that day; it was warm, teetering on the edge of the rainy season. Kevin hoped that it wouldn't rain until the ceremony was over.

And so the ceremony began. Kevin stood awkwardly, feeling increasingly hot, but he felt his heart jump in chest when Siwan came up to the stage, with the other Committee members. Kevin ignored the military addresses and kept his eyes fixed on Siwan. It was unlikely that Siwan would see him, since the crowd was so big, but there was still a chance. Siwan seemed to be fixated on something in the distance, and he had a curious frown on his face throughout the entirety of the general's speech.

It was time for the Chairman's address. Pyo Kyung rose slowly from his seat, and Siwan rose too. He accompanied the Chairman to the centre of the stage as he was holding a folder to pass to him. He bowed deeply as he did so, and he rose, just by an inch - and then it happened.

Exactly _what_ happened, Kevin would never be sure. It was extremely sudden and there was no time to think about it. One second the crowd was silent and the next there was chaos. A shot was fired, but the resulting pandemonium almost covered it, but Kevin saw Siwan fall to his knees, and then to the ground, and time seemed to stop for him.

He stood frozen, not knowing how long, but it can't have been long, since the crowd moved quickly. Before he knew it he was moving too, running, but he didn't know where.

More shots were fired. Suddenly the situation became clearer. The military had been armed all along, and they were approaching the protestors. There were screams, more shots, and Kevin ran.

He ran without destination, and as a result he seemed to go nowhere. He could not move past the crowd. Before he knew it, he had been knocked to the ground and the world went black.


End file.
